On Ice

I'm doing okay. It's been a stressful week.

The good news is that I've been consistent about stretching every morning this week, I've been doing a stretching routine and I can feel the difference just walking around afterwards. My hips feel better, my gait feels smooth, and I have an easier time walking around. I didn't realize how tight I've been. I'm also getting into the habit of doing my strength training and hip exercises, and my core routine. I'm putting a few more miles in than I was, still having a little trouble with motivation but I have been more consistent this week.

The stressful parts have been worrying about Isabelle, and then the incredibly frustrating experience of redoing my business website and all the other things that go along with that.

The other night Isabelle decided to try jumping off the bed by herself. Usually she waits for one of us to help her down, but she was unusually restless that day. She gets confused at times. She took a dive off the bed, landed on her shoulder and cried. We couldn't tell that any damage was done but she was uncomfortable for a while. She's also been having some issues with incontinence, and we've been putting towels under her and trying to get her on a schedule, but every once in while we find a surprise. Fortunately we have tile floors, easy to clean.

After her fall, we didn't sleep very well, we talked about whether it's time for her to go see Iris, but she bounced back and the past two days she's been herself, no issues, and the shoulder seems to be okay. She likes hanging out with us, and I just don't feel like it's time yet. It's coming, but not yet.

Other than getting scary bills from attorneys and the anguish of waiting for quotes from different vendors and getting all the compliance stuff set up, I feel like I'm fine, it's just been awfully hard to move forward on a lot of things. I feel like once I can get my website crap out of my lap and drop it someone else's, I'll have so much more energy to concentrate on the stuff I want to get to. It's okay though.

It could be much worse, I could be back in my nurse slavery days. And according to my former coworkers, it's even worse now than it was then.

When I think of where I was 3 years ago, the stress of this is a gift. I'm doing what I love to do, building something I believe in, and knowing that when it's up and running, it will be something that really moves people's lives in a good direction. And better yet, I've been able to be a stay at home dog mom at the end of the girls lives.

Just trying to get the work stuff together and move forward, and it takes time to go through the process.

Take deep breaths, and go for a run.

Day Two NaRunMoMo, What Doesn't Kill Me...

The time change is killing me.

Usually it wouldn't be a problem in the fall since you get an extra hour of sleep. But I keep waking up at 4 something a.m. and can't get to sleep until late.

Today was one of those days where you enter into it with good intentions and everything goes on a tangent. I did get a few things done that needed to be finished, and it's really not all that bad, but it totally screwed me up being half brain dead anyway. What happened?

1. Picking up my new laptop from the Geeks. I didn't go to the original Geek Squad. I have never used the Geeks before, I can usually manage on my own. But this time I'm busy, distracted, irritable, impatient, and I didn't feel like messing with it. Windows 10 will take some getting used to, as well as the new keyboard.

Plus they had some private information, my temporary password for some of the stuff on the computer, and email and phone number around the purchase of my laptop, and they left it sitting there on the counter. I happened to look back as I was walking out of the store, and my info was just sitting there on the counter next to the register, while they were ringing up more customers. I walked back up to the counter and looked at the clerk straight in the eye and said, "If you're not going to shred this, then at least put it somewhere so it's not in plain view." Oh I was pissed. I thought about raising even more hell, but I'll save my energy.

2. Getting caught up in social media distractions. Some of this was productive but it was very time consuming.

3. Issues with Blogger. I can't get photos to upload. And I'm an idiot because I just got a new computer today and I am way behind the learning curve here, between Windows 10 and my brain fog. So again, my apologies, but until I figure out what's wrong there will be text-only posts here.

4. Finishing up some continuing ed classes and stuff I had to do for certifications, etc. Took way too long.

5. Not getting out to run until 4 pm, when I'd already been up for 12 hours and working for 11.

So I went for a mile run, which took me 12 minutes and 27 seconds, and I was looking at my watch the whole time, it was the longest mile I have ever run in my life. I didn't think I could get through it without walking. Somehow I did, but I decided it was enough. I'll do better tomorrow. I followed it up by pushing Isabelle 2 miles in the cart. And then it was dark outside.

I already warned Dennis who is on his way home, that I had a day and I need to be chill. I feel sort of like I used to after those 12 hour shifts at the hospital, where I simply could not function or interact with another human being until I re-established the safe zone, the energy field around me, because I felt so stripped bare.

I haven't had a day like this in nearly 2 years, so that's good. But I don't want to have any more of them.

So now I need food. But at least I got through Day Two of the double challenge, running and blogposting. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better and can have a more balanced day.

Oh by the way one of our neighbors saw me pushing The Bella in the cart and told me when he dies, he wants to come back as my dog. That was the highlight of my day.

Blowing Away!

The notorious Front Range winds have picked up over the past week, raising the temperatures most days, melting most of the ice and snow, but raising hell when you try to run into it.

Right now the wind is at about 25 mph with gusts up to 40 mph. It's cold, too, but sunny. This morning I went out for a quick 7 miler before I met with the accountant. Glad to have dumped that pile in her lap so I can forget about it. We'll see what the damage is when she finishes our returns. But I'm not going to stress about it.

It took me several days to move through the emotions stirred up by that experience with the taxes on Monday. I've been super emotional and irritable, I had dreams each night, very confusing dreams about people from my past and having a hard time moving forward to where I wanted to go. There were all these obstacles in my way. I don't worry much about interpreting dreams, they're like a random mess of brain residue. But I could see where the frustration was coming out.

I know I still need to resolve some feelings about my experiences with my former employer. I plan to have a discussion with a certain key individual there eventually, once I have sorted through my emotions and more time has gone by.

But for now, I'm training, I'm studying, and I'm about to launch into a busy time of marketing my services and hitting the pavement. I'm looking forward to all that.

Running is going well and I've felt good this week despite the distractions. It helps to be pissed off, too, because I had a great run in the wind fighting the demons in my head. The wind was nothing!

This weekend I'm very excited to be running with my old running partner and crew member from Badwater 2008, Katy. We used to run trails and Rock Repeats together a lot, a few years ago, and then life happened, injuries happened, and so on. We're finally getting it together this weekend. I've missed her company, and sometimes those runs were like therapy for both of us.

Between that run and a 20 miler this weekend, I should be close to 70 miles for the week, and feeling good. This week feels easy, none of my runs are very long. Next week I need to find a 40 mile route to keep me entertained. I hope the wind lets up at least a little by then. I'm ready for 70 degrees and shorts weather.

Suffering From PTTSD: Neither Health Nor Care

I have been feeling really good lately, I've been getting physically and mentally better all the time since I quit my nursing job last fall. I've been moving forward and feeling great about things. So today was the first setback in a long time and it really took me by surprise. I have Post-Traumatic Tax Stress Disorder. Triggered by doing my taxes.

I decided to take the day off from running because I hit it hard over the past 4 days and I plan to get some good miles in this week. I needed time to get some work done, I'm meeting with our accountant later this week and I want to have all the papers and numbers organized to give to her.

The way I do my taxes is organized chaos. All year I save the necessary hardcopy receipts and papers in a folder and by the end of the year it's overflowing onto the floor in the corner of the office. I take one day and I go through everything, organize it into piles and go through every single item and write down the numbers, then discard or shred the unnecessary stuff and place the important receipts in a neater, more organized form into the folder to store.

This year it's a little more complicated having started a business, but I was much more organized with the business stuff than I was with our personal stuff. I whipped through the business tax items in about 30 minutes, and then was ready to dive into the messy pile of everything else.

It started out okay, a few utility bill receipts, mortgage and real estate taxes, W-2s, you know, routine stuff. But as I got deeper into the pile I started finding things.

Continuing education receipts for classes I took. Donations to charitable organizations. Okay, I can deal with that.

Receipts from rollovers of my retirement funds.

But then: continuing education classes required for my job that I wasn't reimbursed for, in-kind and other donations I made to the hospital's foundation and payroll deductions for the same, supporting the Cancer Center. That reminded me of all the speaking engagements, marketing pitches, cheerleading and other support I gave, only to be treated with cold indifference by people running the show in the end.

A receipt for the ACLS class they wouldn't pay for (never mind that I was doing moderate sedation, chemotherapy, and infusing other IV meds like Rituxan and blood transfusions...that people commonly react to). I kept up my skills anyway, just paid for it out of my own pocket. Reminded me of the patient who had the transfusion reaction and I called a code and we started CPR and he had a good outcome. And the other patient who had a medication reaction when I was working alone at night and I had to deal with that all by myself. She had a good outcome too. And the safety presentations I did for my unit for emergency preparedness.

Then I came across the receipts for health care expenses I had that are directly attributable to the stress of my old job. Reminders of the distress, being in a doctor's appointment and having a total meltdown when she asked what was going on. Receipts for antidepressant medication. Measuring my blood pressure at 160/100. Labs to rule out other things. It cost me big.

And then when they switched our health insurance over, we had even less coverage so I had more out of pocket expenses. Yeah, mergers are great for the employees.

It's all had the effect of giving me flashbacks and it feels horrible. I feel the old anger bubbling up and the resentment, of feeling discarded, unappreciated, disrespected, used, etc. It makes me mad that nurses, as professionals, are treated like this: they expect you to give your life up for them for such low pay and dwindling benefits, yet they won't support you in your professional development.

I posted about it in a nursing support group on Facebook, asking, Has anyone experienced this while working on their taxes after they quit their nursing job?

The dozens of responses I got were filled with fire, bitterness, resentment, and echoes of similar PTSD experiences. So many nurses experience these things, wrong on so many levels. People who have suffered from the destructive, bullying, mean-spirited behavior of the minions of those corporations claiming to be about patient care.

Minions who will do anything to boost their patient satisfaction scores so they get more reimbursement, but the things to boost patient satisfaction in their eyes have nothing to do with providing more quality nursing care. No, they'd rather spend money on decorations in the patient rooms or bigger TV screens. That's what six and seven figure administrative salaries will do for patients. Meanwhile, the nurses and other staff are reduced, being forced to exhaustion and stress, and PTSD-like experiences.

That is neither health nor care. It's wrong and it shouldn't be happening to people who bust their asses daily and are expected to go without meeting their own personal, human needs to care for other people. One nurse on Facebook wrote about how two things saved her: her dog, and quitting her job. I can relate to the dog therapy. Iris and Isabelle did a lot of licking my tears during the time I worked at the hospital.

On the bright side, I'm out of there. But it doesn't feel very good having all these reminders today.

Neither health nor care, I tell you...

We can do much better than this. I'd rather make a difference for a few individuals in my own practice, than do things half-assed for thousands and let things slip through the cracks, which is all our current health care model allows.

Onward and upward.

Fort Collins in January: Thoughts on Running, Eating, and Drinking

Geese, ice, and wind. That's what you'll find in Fort Collins this time of year.

I love running in January. Yesterday it was super cold and windy, in the morning it snowed and then stopped. It was warm enough that the snow melted off the streets and didn't affect the footing. The trail was dry, no mud sticking to my shoes.

Today the paper had an article that said Fort Collins is ranked as number 4 in the heaviest drinking cities in the U.S. It ranks up there with several other university towns or places that are mostly in the northern or midwest part of the U.S., with long, cold winters. with all our breweries and a university it's not surprising. But Fort Collins is also known for it's active outdoor lifestyle. It would be interesting to compare the most popular activities of the other towns listed.

Speaking of drinking, I have not had a single sip of beer or any alcohol in two weeks. I've been able to make it for fourteen days so far on this strict eating plan to get myself back on track with healthy eating, and that means no sugars, no alcohol, I haven't had any grains except oatmeal, fruit, or any carbohydrates other than from vegetables. I've been eating lean protein and veggies, with some yogurt and cottage cheese, is about it.

After this I am going to slowly add variety back to what I'm eating, but watch my portion sizes and stick mostly to what I've been doing, going back to the salads and fish and vegetable-dominated meals that I used to eat before I got stressed. what I find so amazing is that I've had a relatively easy time of it, I haven't been hungry, and I've had lots of energy.

I haven't been brave enough to step on the scale but I can tell that my mountain bike tire around my midsection has shrunk a good bit, and I still have a ways to go. I don't know if I'll ever get rid of all of it, but running lighter will certainly help me feel better and run better.

I don't want to focus on the numbers but I am curious to see what I've dropped. I'm a little afraid of seeing it in case it hasn't moved very much, I don't want to be frustrated or disappointed. So I'll wait until the right moment. Whenever I think that is.

Looking back, it really was the emotional eating component of the stress of my old lifestyle, the nursing lifestyle I would now call it. The cortisol circulating in my body all the time from stress, feeling hungry all the time, developing some insulin resistance, and sitting on my butt because I felt so crappy, when I should have been up and moving. And not watching how much I was eating.

And then the drinking beer. I was often drinking two beers a day, which is a lot more than I ever consumed in the past. I used to be able to only drink about half a beer. I love beer, but I always wish the breweries would make half-size bottles, like 6 ounces, for people who want to taste it but don't want to drink a lot.

It's been taking me a while to recover, seems like the 30 miler I did last weekend has stuck with me a while. I needed naps over the past few days. But yesterday I did feel a little better on my easy run and it wasn't hard to pick up the pace.

This week appears to be shaping up nicely as far as the weather goes. It looks like we might get into the 50s again and sunny, but the wind will hang around, which is normal. I plan to run the Prairie Dog Half Marathon in Louisville, close to Boulder, on Sunday, to get a timed, solid workout just to see where I am. A reality check.

Not so bad when this is your reality!

Full Moon

Snow, full moon, fall colors, and crisp,  biting air. I had almost no energy today, the emotions of the past few days drained me. 

I need to hang on and make it through the weekend, then I can have time for myself, before I do the final stretch of work shifts in November. 

It feels like someone took a bottle brush to my gut, my insides feel so raw. 

I want to take care of myself, but I am just hanging on for now. By the next full moon, this hell will be behind me. 

Got the Belt Buckle This Time!

As every ultrarunner knows, the belt buckle for finishing is one of those perks. It's never about the buckle, it's about the satisfaction of finishing and succeeding at what you set out to do. There's a lot that goes into that belt buckle, not just in the race itself, but in all the preparation, dedication, discipline, focus, and pure enjoyment along the way to holding one of these in your sweaty, sticky palms after being up all night and into the next day.

About a month and a half ago I tried to do something and failed. I tried to quit my job but somehow came away with a DNF, did not finish, I didn't quite accomplish the task. Somehow I ended up taking on a relief position. Well that was a mistake. I should have gone with my gut the first time. I'm paying for it by having to do another 4 weeks of work, but today, I finally got the buckle. I turned in my letter of resignation and in 30 days I'll be gone for good.

Why? There are multiple reasons why, and as you've read through my tirades about nursing over the past months, it's obvious that I am completely burned out. I'm burned out on the things that are wrong with both nursing and health care. I'm burned out on the things that are wrong with corporate dominance and our ruined legislative and judicial systems. It happens everywhere, and I just don't want to be a part of nursing in the corporate world anymore. I'm not going somewhere else, it's the same everywhere. I'm getting out.

I am tired of spending maybe four times more time in front of a computer than doing actual face-to-face, hands-on nursing care with the human beings who come in. I'm tired of watching an endless parade of nurses marching out the doors, I'm tired of them eating their young, and not-so-young. I'm tired of watching nurses (mostly women nurses, unfortunately) backstab each other, playing the dead even rule, attacking those who shine in some way, are recognized, or have skills or talents that make them stand out. I'm tired of those evil little passive aggressive games like in junior high. I hated every minute of junior high. It sucked. It was traumatizing. I don't care to relive it.

I'm tired of executives and administrators who live in their own little self-contained world and don't speak to nurses, and don't include us in making any decisions about how things are implemented that will affect patient care. I'm tired of watching the Peter Principle in action and people trying desperately, and sometimes viciously, to hide their incompetence from anyone who might question or threaten their qualifications to be in their comfortable positions. I'm tired of knowing about the well-padded lives these people live as they play games with the bone-on-bone lives of those who do physically and emotionally draining work for long hours to directly support the needs of human beings who are sick, scared, and vulnerable.

I'm tired of the people who talk out one side of their mouth about cutting budgets, staffing, and unnecessary spending, then out the other side dictate decisions that enrich the executive class like huge extravagant severance packages, or slashing staffing based on the bean counters of some expensive consulting firms. Adopting their suggestions that don't have any basis in the reality of what goes on in the patient care areas.

I'm tired of watching them backpedal and pull themselves back from dangling over the edge of a cliff because they put too much faith in those bean counters and now, they have to hire expensive travel nurses because they got rid of too many of their staff. Putting tons of money into building up their public image while providing less care for the real people who use the services, because they cut staffing.

I'm tired of hearing people talk about concepts like leadership and accountability when they couldn't lead their way out of a cardboard box, or account for which box they'd been in. And the list goes on...

What's hardest for me? I wish it had been more satisfying, more understanding, more caring, more empathetic, more supportive among nurses themselves. It creates toxic work environments that leach waste into everyone and invade the deepest crevices of their lives in every possible way, on their days off, during their sleep hours, into their family lives, and more.

Oh yeah, and I made quite an investment of my time, almost the last 10 years of my life have been devoted to this. I went back to school at 41 and got my first nursing job in 2006, and almost exactly seven years to the day after starting that, I am done. That's all it took. Seven years to burnout.

Now I'm trying to salvage my health, aware of my increasing age, knowing what stress can do, in the back of my mind knowing my family history of breast cancer and leukemia, and who knows what else, hoping that I haven't done irreversible damage to my body, and lately my stomach feels like it's getting a hole in it. And trying to keep track of my own mental health, too, making sure I'm not falling into a pit of depression.

The main reason I'm leaving corporate nursing is simply stated by the bumpersticker I happened to see on this car in front me as I drove over to the hospital to deliver my letter of resignation to my boss this morning.

There is a great need for more kindness. In life in general, in workplaces everywhere, yes, but nursing could use an infusion of this stuff, at least twice a day. Corporations might have certain rights as human beings, but they are not human, and certainly not humane. The larger they get, the further removed they are from being able to recognize the real needs of people who are served by them, or work for them.

So it's time to heal again. This nurse is healing herself. I'm healing from health care.

And more fall pictures. This year has been so colorful. Maybe it just looks that way against the dull backdrop of my mental state lately, but I know it's real. This is the world I'm returning to.

Cleaning Up

I've been gone for a week! I'm spending all my time working, other than a few breaks to go running, run the Buffaloes, and go to the pool. It's an intense time but I'm enjoying it. The hours and days fly by.

Outside my window the sky is dumping a sleet-like rain. Thirty-seven degrees this morning. Yesterday afternoon before the temperature started dropping I pulled most of the remaining peppers, tomatoes, and basil out of the garden.

The leaves on the cottonwoods and the other trees around the house are still green, but won't be for long.

I can feel the toxicity melting away. I feel like I've been a living Superfund site lately. What's amazing is how making a change can turn things around so quickly. I felt like the stress was eating a hole in my gut. I'm hoping the hole is healing, a little Pepcid helped.

It's hard to put so much time, energy, and effort into something and have a huge disappointment and be let down by people you hoped would be more honest and forthcoming. Over the past year I've experienced so many negative feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, fury, disgust, shock, disappointment, disbelief, and a few more...

But I also know that following your own heart is the most important thing. And things do happen for good reason. I'm still in the process of letting go. I can tell that I've been in a deep dark hole for quite some time, because the feeling I have now from making this decision to move on is helping me find my energy and enthusiasm again, and my positive outlook is returning.

I have quite a few very supportive friends who have helped me get through this tough time and are helping me move forward. I am so thankful for the many people in my life who are here for me.

Just A Mouse Click Away...

I am enjoying my official return to a sane life, less than 24 hours after completing my last involuntary 12 hour shift. I am trying to pretend that the fatigue I feel today is not a work hangover. It really is, but let's pretend it's not.

Yesterday I was so happy. Even though it's a seamless transition between working as a regular employee to going to a relief position in the same department, it really felt like I stepped over a threshold. I suffered through the usual stuff all day, and made mental notes once again of all the ridiculous little steps that get in the way of actually interacting and taking care of the patients' needs.

Lately it's been coming down to how many mouse clicks does it take until you can get back to patient care. Adding an extra mouse click after the login screen, for example, to force you to look at the "message of the day"- before you can click into the work that you really have to do- it's just one more mouse click that adds to the already built up stress that is driving people crazy and leading to random meltdowns and four letter expletives. Now I will spend fewer hours of my life dealing with that.

I went to the pool at EPIC this morning and ran for 45 minutes in the deep water followed by 800 meters of swimming. I'm getting more efficient, it's like riding a bike, it comes back even after years of not doing it. I can't believe I didn't do it for so long. The last time I swam regularly was in graduate school, back in the early 90s, at the CSU rec center, when it was new. Now they've already updated the facility. I loved swimming then, and gave it up after graduate school.

The other night I ran with Wheaties Boy and it went much better this time. We went slow, but picked it up to a sub-8:30 pace at the end and the hamstring was fine. I just need to ease into it. I feel like I've lost very little fitness despite the long breaks and minimal activity of the past 5 months. And the intentionally unknown amount of weight gain...

I wish the tire around my midsection would at least keep me warm. It's cold today, I turned on the heat! I am a wimp, I know, but it was 59 degrees in the house and the toilet seat was cold. WAAAH!

So I spend my time now working on parts of my business plan. I found a great website designer to help me, she is highly recommended and is local. I also found someone to help me redesign my logo. Those are the fun parts.

So much to do! After the website and logo, there's filling in the details of the business plan, the certifications, the client inquiries, the marketing ideas, the trademarking- yes I'm going that far- you name it. And it all costs money. But...someone once told me there are only three things you need for success in business. Compassion, courage and cash. And cash is the least important of the three. So I think I'm on the road to success.

Of course that's oversimplified. All the stresses of working for someone else are replaced by different stresses of working for yourself. But it's really a different stress, and completely different than what I've been doing. For example, it's raining today, and 48 degrees. I had to run across the yard to my office, the Woman Cave, in the rain, and turn on the heat.

But during my breaks from work I made lentil soup and danced with the Buffaloes. And I had time to pee when I needed to.

Ask any nurse, it doesn't get much better than that!

Seeing Stars

It's refreshingly quiet this morning, the air is cool and heavy with moisture but the stars are visible, with more clear sky than clouds overhead, as far as I can see in the darkness. No rain falling. For the sake of everyone stranded, evacuated or flooded, I hope it's done.

I go into work this morning to start the last of my scheduled back to back 12 hour shifts. Weekends are always easier. It's just as busy, especially on Saturdays, and we're not usually staffed any better, but it's just me and my coworkers and the patients, none of the extra people in suits milling around who do things that tend to get in the way of patient care. If I didn't have a life outside of work, I'd probably just work weekends.

But I can breathe a little easier, knowing that after this weekend, the exhaustion can abate and I can move forward making plans for what I need to do. I need to sleep again, get those afternoon naps that I've been missing out on, and restore clarity to my thoughts. Getting back to working out will be a big piece of that, too, once my energy returns.

Lately I've felt like there's an endless well of sewage, outrage and frustration that I needed to purge...getting re-focused will allow this to resolve. I've dumped much of it here, and I thank my blog readers for bearing with me.

Writing about it helps, and there's a lot more writing going on than just here on the blog. It's been pouring out of me like the flood we just had. Being honest about your feelings is important, if there isn't an outlet it will drive you crazy and eat holes in your insides.

I'll take a few deep breaths and stretch my body a little before work. The pool reopens on Monday and I'm already planning to meet Connie there, we'll resume our pool running and I'll swim a few laps too, recover from my last work hangover day, and get back to living my life.

Work Hangover Wednesday: Dropping Like Flies

Another one bites the dust.

What an emotional couple of days these have been...

Tuesday I worked on negotiating the terms of what's called a relief position, at work, which would give me some hours but I wouldn't be putting in these long shifts or back to back exhausting days anymore.

That would start as of October. It would give me a way to transition out, and restore my health, and start putting energy into things that help me move forward, like going off on my own.

It was an exhausting day, I went home after work and crashed for an hour. Today it was busy, we had barely enough help and then got slammed at mid-morning.

By 6 pm it was all I could do to make it through another three patients when I'd been going since 8, plus a 4 am killer calf cramp that woke me up to my own screaming out loud, then being unable to go back to sleep.

The saving grace was around 10 am when I was about to start an IV, and a friend stopped by to drop off a bottle of water for me, and told me to drink it. Being up early, I'd facebooked him about the calf cramp, and he surprised me.

But by the end of the day I couldn't wait to get out the door.

Another nurse is leaving. She resigned and came by to tell us today. When she did, one of the nurses on our staff cried. "How can this be happening every day," she said.

Great nurses, the best nurses anywhere, leaving. Nurses who learned to practice under the best and most supportive of conditions and took pride in the work they did.

On my way back from lunch today I was in the stairwell and ran into a nurse from another unit. She told me she's been hearing about my blog. She said, "You could be our leader."

Well as one person I have very little power. I can write my heart out because I am a writer, it's what I do. That's how I process things. As a writer who happens to be a nurse I can write about nursing. I can write about the workplace. I can write about health care. I can write about how demoralizing it is to feel like there's a mutiny going on.

I can't be the only one, though. It takes more than one voice. If no one believes anything will change, that's because there aren't enough people making enough noise to make the people who have the power and resources to change, change.

I have already felt the backlash, that certain people don't like me writing about what's going on, they are embarrassed, they feel it reflects poorly on them. They are fearful of the competition, which is coming.

Well you can try all you want to blame the people with no power and no resources to change things, but that doesn't make it okay for the people with the power and resources to go ahead and trample the resistance, like in Tianenmen Square.

It's a result of inhumane resources. No, it's not a new department name. It's the misguided use and distribution of resources that ends up hurting people.

When people feel like they work for an organization that doesn't care about them, that they are bodies filling shifts, that they are disposable, especially after years when they had all the support in the world, it's a hard landing, like crashing on concrete.

Strong organizations have clear direction, strong leadership, strong accountability for those in the highest ranks of the organization, know where they're going and allow employees to do their best work, and provide the conditions for that.

They don't blame the people who are hurting as a result of cutthroat policies and have little outlet for their frustration, and lack power and authority to change things. They don't make excuses by slashing already marginal pay and benefits from the people who do the dirty work, they cut the fat from the top if they're smart.

There has to be several million dollars to save in excessive salaries and perks. For example, Vanderbilt University, which in 2008 paid $20 million dollars alone to just 10 of it's top positions, several of which are health care executives. Instead of going without nurses, how about going without a CEO or President?

Strong organizations don't flinch too much if there's competition coming. If they are secure in what they're doing, there's no reason to worry. If they give consumers a reason to stick with them, show them why they're superior, then they end up winning. Like in an ultramarathon, you wouldn't go out and run as fast as you can in the first few miles because everyone else is doing it, when you risk crashing and burning. You run your own race, you conserve your resources, and in the end you end up way ahead of the competition.

Nurses, you wouldn't hesitate for a second to advocate for your patient's needs. But when it comes to yourself and your coworkers, why are you silent? When you have to get tough with a physician who is resistant to returning your calls, when you need an order NOW and you're not getting a response, when some jerk doctor acts like a prick and is condescending and pulls rank that they fantasize that they have but they don't, you don't take their bullshit. You don't get bullied into silence when it comes to your patient.

The fear of losing your job is one thing, but losing a job that is taking advantage of you and making you miserable- isn't it worth the chance of setting some things right? of making something better? If they continue to demoralize the workplace anymore, you'll be too sick and too tired to keep your job anyway. Case in point, right here behind the keyboard.

I really don't care if people think I'm idealistic and live in a fantasy world with justice and treating people fairly. I hate that the corporate world works the way it does. We as citizens have allowed it to get to this point. But when enough people are hurting, doesn't it make you want to do something other than zone out on Facebook? Can't we do something about it? One small thing? Today?

Simplicity is Better

I had divine intervention this morning, the universe prevented me from being able to sign up for Umstead. I wrestled with it all morning, knowing that when I'm injured I should never sign up for a race that predetermines when I will have to be un-injured. Fortunately, when I got on the website, I sat there for a few minutes refreshing the page with no luck and then decided it wasn't worth it.

So, no trip to North Carolina next spring. I'll figure something out. I might even go back to run Cornbelt again in May since that was so fun and low-key. But right now, there's no plan.

I did my first run this morning, in two weeks. I ran 32 minutes, about a 5K loop in my neighborhood, with one hill, and not a peep out the hamstring. It was already hot and humid. It did feel good to get moving again but I wasn't overly motivated to go out first thing this morning. Iris dragged me on a walk first, then I had to wait around for the big nothing of Umstead registration, so it was 10:30 before I went out the door.



Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with someone who knows the business of health care a lot better than I do. It occurs to me daily that the people who work directly with the patients and provide the direct care speak a completely different language than the people who make the decisions about how to run things.

They don't speak to each other. But when the decision-makers start throwing terms around like "value stream" and "evidence-based" and pick and choose how they want to apply those concepts without considering the hard, tangible reality of how their decisions affect the real live people providing the daily services, and consequently, the recipients of those services, it's a big mess. Ignoring evidence that is right there screaming in your face is not evidence-based practice.

Whenever you complicate a concept or task, adding steps and analysis to it, you get further away from the simple process of just doing it. You add all sorts of unnecessary in-between costs because you have all these overpaid bodies who get in on analyzing and tearing it apart, but actually make it much harder and more expensive to deliver the product. They accidentally forget to include the people who do the work of delivering it, who would most likely tell the analysts to put that in their pipes and smoke it.

Each day I'm feeling a little more positive about my future, less trashed, and more determined to move forward. I'm still very much trashed, though. If I can salvage my health before something seriously goes wrong with my body I'll be in good shape. Being a nurse, especially an oncology nurse makes you a little paranoid at times.

Tinfoil Hats and Black Helicopters

Survived the first day back at work.

Thought I was going to lose it this morning before I left the house, Dennis was leaving before me and he said good-bye to the girls and Iris did this little guilt trip thing she does. She does her multi-syllabic whine: "mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!" And then she gives you this heartbroken look and lifts one paw up...she knows how to work us.

Dennis spent a few extra minutes saying good-bye and then it was my time to leave. By then Iris figured out that her trick didn't work, so she tried the next trick- sitting below the kitchen cabinets where her treats are- and staring up at them so I'd feel compelled to give the girls a treat before I left.

I took my tinfoil hat with me, keeping it invisible but firmly planted on my head to keep the evil from creeping in and sucking my thoughts out. I think it worked, and I lucked out, we were overstaffed for the afternoon and I got to go home early, at 2 pm. Awesome. I came home to the girls who were thrilled to see me.

Being back, I kept my head on straight, despite all the bitching around me and all the little annoyances and stupidities that pick, pick, pick at you all day long, all of the ridiculousness, irony, and unresolvable frustrations that eat away at your resolve, I managed to ward them off with the invisible tinfoil. But they were there, and I have to keep my guard up until I get through the next two days. I work Tuesday, then Wednesday we have a staff meeting at 7 am. The joy of it...

Three of our patients died while I was gone, none of the deaths were a big surprise, but the timing is never what you think. I always say good-bye when they leave their appointments because you never know. A reminder of how important the patients are, regardless of the endless crap that gets slung around that has nothing to do with taking care of them.

While we were gone the CEO and President of our newly merged organization either relieved themselves, or were relieved of their duties, in one way or another, who knows, who cares, and I say good riddance. They have no clue what their underlings do. Completely and totally out of touch with their factory workers. Buh-bye. Have a nice retirement. Enjoy your spoils, because we underlings are all suffering as a result of your corporate success.

Actually I knew all about it, despite the fact that I turned off my work e-mail while we were away. I got texts, personal e-mails, and of course saw on Facebook the "big news". BFD.

How insignificant it makes the chatter and hubbub of the day, of the past weekend's corporate events that everyone who is not in a direct patient care position worries about, things that the muckety-mucks somehow think are earthshattering and they go clamoring for explanations and excuses, but I could not care less. I have little concern for the fate of a couple of multimillion dollar salaried executives. I think they'll survive.

What I care about are the people who are getting their first chemotherapy treatment today, and are worried about everything in their lives being turned upside down, including just being alive. Because there's no guarantee. How much is it going to hurt when I tap their port for the first time? How much nausea can they expect after their first chemo infusion? Will they be able to continue working? How successful is this type of chemotherapy treatment for people who have the same stage of cancer that they do? Is it all true, what the doctor told them? That kind of stuff.

A few fresh raspberries from the garden and a glass of wine mellowed me out, Sophie's Red from Mountain Spirit Winery in Salida. Then I was ready to finish laundry, unpacking, and empty the dishwasher.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm bringing my tinfoil hat again. I might have to double up the layers of aluminum in case there's any metal fatigue.

Hamstrung

I decided to go radical today.

Trying to run through an injury is pointless, and I can't exempt myself from my own advice. I've been trying to give my leg a few days off and it's just not enough. I want so badly to be able to train hard and be in top condition for the 24 hour race in Oklahoma City in October, but I'm not improving, and I know it.

It's been in the back of my mind as a possibility, but I wasn't ready to make the final decision to change my plans. But this morning I had coffee with a friend and she said the thing that I needed to hear, even though I had spoken it to myself, inside my own head dozens of times. We were discussing work stress and life stress, and she said that the hamstring injury is a physical manifestation of all the mental stress I've been undergoing.

Sometimes it's necessary to hear others say what we already know, before it sinks in enough for us to take action.

I came away from our talk feeling refreshed and relieved. I wasn't looking forward to forcing myself through workouts that are just mile after mile at the same pace, with no challenge, and no variety. I wasn't looking forward to our upcoming vacation wanting to run at the beach and feel good, and as much as I love running at the beach, I also didn't want to have to train through a vacation that is badly needed as a vacation.

Having a nagging thought in the back of your mind about some body part, being worried about further injury, not being able to give your full effort in training runs, is not worth it, because you can't enjoy your runs, and that defeats the purpose of doing it.

The first thing I needed to do was tell Joanne and Hunter, my friends who were going to crew for me down there. And then tell Chisholm, the race director. And then everyone else. So I did those things and here I am. I even committed to volunteering for one of the races I signed up for, the Equinox Half Marathon, in September. Even if I am capable of running it by then, it's too soon and I'm not even going to try.

The next thing I will do is look into physical therapy so I can rehab this thing properly. It's not so terrible right now and I know it's going to be a lot easier to get back to 100% if I start now, before I do more damage.

So, I feel disappointed, sad, and slightly pissed off about the circumstances leading to my stress-induced injured state, but I know this is the best option I have. I need to let go. I have had to let go of other things recently, and this is just one more. It's freeing, and it allows me to have time and energy for other things that need attention.

I've been in such a tailspin trying to figure out what I want and where I want my life to go, I need to forget about it all and not choose a direction until I'm ready. I will know when I'm ready because it will come to me. The love of training and preparing for another big race will also come to me when it's time.

There are a lot of other things I'm wanting to work on, and this will give me the opportunity to do those things. I need to work on my overall strength because I have neglected weight and cross-training for too long, I need to do a lot of little things around the house, I need to get back to my writing project that I abandoned for the entire month of July.

I'm remembering my recent layoff two years ago, when I rehabbed my ankle, and I came away from that feeling better than ever from the cross training I did. I felt like I took years off my body's age. It would be nice to do that again. I also had an 18 month period of improvement in my running performances after that. There's hope on the other side of this...

Work Hangover Wednesday: The Ripple Effect

I slept until 8:45 this morning after going to bed at 9 pm last night. I did wake up in the middle of the night though and was awake from 2 to 4 am.

I start a long stretch off now and I am ready to reclaim my life, everything is in disarray after the chaos of the past month. Our basement is a disaster, all that's missing is the yellow tape. It's drying out this week. Then we start the process of figuring out what to do next.

While I might need a few afternoon naps to recover this week, a friend of mine who is a nurse on a different unit that was understaffed worked a 16 hour shift his last of 3 days and he slept away the first two of his four days off. He's not getting compensated to recover.

This morning was a waste, I stared into space, did a few things around the house, but didn't even think about a workout. I'm hoping after a nap I might be able to fit a run in this evening.

Injury report

I guess it's fair to say, yes, I am injured. There, I said it. Do I feel better? No. Freakin hamstring. I can run, but I can't train. There's a big difference.

I am hoping to figure out where I am with this hamstring injury over the next few days and make a plan, I need to see if there is anything I can do for it that will allow me to get more improvement and do the training I want to do before October. The plan is to see if I can handle two 20 mile days this week and some shorter runs, and get some good rides on the bike.

Wheaties Boy crashed on his bike yesterday. He got banged up but nothing major. The bike took a worse hit than he did. The ground probably took an even worse hit than the bike. But he's tired, even though he doesn't think he is, and it's easy to be brain fogged for a day or so after a hard race like that triathlon, I think he needed to get more rest. When you're that fit, your body feels great even after a major effort, but there's more to recovery than just the body.

I don't know about him, but I know I am completely brain fogged the day after a long hard race. After a race it takes me a few days before I can even think clearly. You become more accident-prone because you don't have the mental sharpness that you usually have.

Stress report

All the stress at work and the distractions at home of cleaning up the basement, not being able to free my mind to focus on what I need to do to take care of myself, is part of the reason I'm injured. Work has been somewhat less stressful, we're starting to go back to our usual level of staffing but we're still running into glitches with the computers, and we have less support available now. It seems to be going pretty well, but there are many speed bumps.

Stress brings out the worst in people, every change seems to sweep a new wave of toxicity over us. It's amazing when people slowly reveal the inner core of their personalities. I always have to laugh when I hear patients refer to nurses as angels. Ha...if they only knew.

Sometimes if you pull a weed you think you're getting it out of the garden but it already went to seed and the seeds are sprouting other weeds. Little weeds grow up to be big weeds. It's a never ending cycle.

And on top of all of this our schedules are changing, which is not a bad thing, but getting a dozen people to change their daily pattern around is another source of tension and disruption to everyone's lives. There have been so many changes, I'll be glad when we get past all of this and things settle down again. Maybe by next year? I hope it won't take that long.

The Bright Side

I am just looking forward to going on vacation at the beach, a real vacation, no racing, no thinking, no stress. Just the sand, sun, and surf, and I'm planted on a towel in the center of it.

The good news is that I think I've finally come up with a fun Colorado mini-adventure run idea for my 50th birthday. No, not 50 WalMarts. It involves running 50 miles, and it also involves beer. And food, of course. I'm in the planning process. More to come...

I'm With Stupid...

I deserve the Darwin award today. It's day 5 of this crazy attempt I made to drastically limit what I ate and I officially feel like crap.

I knew this would be difficult, and the hardest part is my energy levels. Not just for running but everything. I've been a walking disaster for the past 3 days. So today officially I'm ending it and going back to less restrictive eating.

I thought the hardest part would be missing certain foods but I had no cravings whatsoever. I didn't miss anything, except margaritas and beer, but I'm planning to continue to avoid both, because they aren't the culprit here.

So I tried the Joe Fejes approach and it didn't work. Maybe it's not a good time in my life either, given all the stress I've been experiencing with my work schedule and my increasing feeling of hopelessness about a viable future in my current so-called career. It doesn't help that I'm working nearly twice as much as I normally do, that saps my energy more than anything, and this was a really dumb time to attempt this.

The Fourth of July was a disaster. I planned to run the 5K and then help out with the kids' race afterwards, and then do more miles later in the day. I slept 13 1/2 hours on Wednesday, so I thought I'd be recovered. But I went to bed at 10 pm on the 3rd and planned to wake up at 6:30 and go to the 5K.

I woke up at 1:30 am feeling like crap. I was having a bizzarro dream too, about a doctor throttling me and yelling at me because I left part of a patient's orders undone. I dreamed that all my coworkers and all the other doctors I work with were all there while he was doing this. The doctor yelled at me, "You see how this feels? This is how the patient feels when you don't follow my orders!"

I said, "Take your hand off my throat now." So he did, and moved it to the side of my neck and continued trying to strangle me. I yelled, "I'm reporting you to the Board..." and everyone gasped out loud, and they all left the room. Then I went into a big auditorium where all of my colleagues were watching a video and when I walked in the room everyone ignored me.

After that vivid dream I felt sick to my stomach, and hung out in the bathroom for a while thinking I would puke but nothing happened. I felt nauseated until about 3:30 am, and I finally decided there was no way I was going to the race, I would need sleep more than anything.

Eventually my stomach settled down and I went back to bed. I slept until 10 am, and it was hot outside and I felt completely drained and unmotivated to run. I ended up doing not much of anything all day and even needed a nap. I slept for a while in the afternoon in the basement, I crashed on the floor after giving Iris a haircut. The butt cut.

When I woke up I felt a little better and talked Dennis into going to the store with me so we could get the ingredients to bake pupcakes for Isabelle's birthday, which is today. We decided to celebrate her birthday last night, before the fireworks got loud and she got scared. The pupcakes were a success, and the girls were happy. Our neighbor Stan came over and wished Isabelle a happy birthday and brought us a Thai basil plant that he had started from seed. I'm going to plant it in the herb garden.

I slept well last night and woke up at my normal time this morning. It rained overnight. Then I took iris out for a quick run but she didn't want to go very far. I brought her home and went out to run, and I was dragging ass. About 13 minutes into my run when I had stopped twice to pee and hadn't even covered a mile, I started walking. I thought through what I was doing and it made sense that this was a really dumb idea to try to do this combined with running and working this crazy schedule.

So, give me the Darwin Award, and don't worry, I didn't contribute to the gene pool, my girls were adopted. They are much smarter than me anyway. They eat pupcakes with cream cheese frosting.

I will try eating a little more food today and see if my energy is better tomorrow. I hate to write another whole week of shitty training, but it looks like this month will be no better than June, given that I have another work week from hell coming up the middle of July, which will take me days to recover from. So frustrating. It's my own fault though.

I did attempt a half-assed weight workout- my triceps, biceps, and lats are sore now. And I did my abdominal workout, and I feel it! That's something, I guess. And my legs, they're still sore from the Rock Repeats on Sunday! I am a disaster!

What I really need is a week vacation in Death Valley. DAMMIT!

It's Official...

It's official, summer is over. It was 35 degrees this morning outside my window and I heard there was snow in the foothills. I didn't see it because Horsetooth Rock was socked in behind the clouds. That's okay, it will come down here soon enough.

Today I actually did get out and run a total of 10 miles, first a couple with the girls, who are enjoying the cooler weather. I felt pretty comfortable in a warm pair of tights and a long sleeved running top under my fleece jacket.

Then I went down the Power Trail for another 8 or so, and on my way down there I ran into my friend Dan, who just retired from the Park Service this week. Dan was on my crew at Badwater in 2011, he's had a long career with the National Park Service and did a lot of work in Death Valley. He's trying out his new role as retiree, and trying to figure out what's next. He's been pretty much consumed by work the past 2 years, so it's a great relief to him and I'm glad to see him free and able to get back to the fun stuff in life again.

My left hip is still giving me fits but I think I just need to get warmed up and stretch more, and maybe more massage. I've had two visits to the chiropractor and it really isn't doing much. He hasn't even been able to pop me, I am stiff and not moving very well. I probably just need to take hot showers before I stretch, and hang out in the hot tub, which unfortunately is not working right now. I have another appointment with the chiro dude, who is really sort of a dork, early next week but I'm not so sure I'll keep it. I might be wasting my time and money.

I have my doubts that a chiropractor is going to do much for me that I can't do myself, since I already solved the problem on my own in the past. I do have a plan B, someone Wheaties Boy recommended. I'll resort to that if I don't get myself more flexible and moving better in the next week.

I finished my damn review course online, I spent 6 hours on it yesterday and got it all done, passed the test by the skin of my teeth, and now at least I have that hurdle out of the way. I might change the date of my certification exam to later, which means next year. I am tired of stressing about it.

I've had a chance to do a little reflection on what all is contributing to the way I've felt lately. I feel like I need something for me.

When I look back over the past year, I've given a lot of myself to a couple of close friends who lost people in their lives to cancer, in terms of time, energy, listening, caring, worrying, supporting, love, and so on. When you add that on top of a job that requires a lot of listening, caring, supporting, and energy every day for patients, after a while it does wear on you.

I also know a lot of people in the community who are dealing with cancer and I've given as much support to them as I can. Lately I haven't even been able to make it to the support group that I normally enjoy attending, because I feel like I can't give any more support. I need some myself.

I think I'm just a little depleted at the current moment and need to put something back. Compassion fatigue is the technical term my profession uses. I call it mild burnout. Add a little hormonal imbalance to all of that, and you end up with a crazy person. Which is what I've become.

So today I decided to do something nice for myself and went over to REI and went shopping in the girls section for a few new things to wear. I got 3 new bright colored shirts and a skirt. I used a coupon and my dividend, too. The skirt was from the adult section- I'm not going to pretend I can fit into girls sizes below my waist.

Something interesting I noticed though. I always shop in their kids section, and it is a great option for me for things like long underwear and t-shirts and stuff, the prices are so much lower than the adult items, and I'm small enough to fit into a girls large. Except today I bought a kids top there that was a medium!

I guess I'm reaping the benefits of obesification.

Tomorrow morning it's supposed to snow. The homecoming 5K is at 8 am. I haven't signed up. The only way I'm doing it is if I wake up super early and I have time enough to warm up really well, and the roads can't be slick, either. Call me a fair weather runner, but it's true. I don't want to freeze, I'm not used to it yet. If I feel good enough, I'll be doing 20 miles tomorrow. Maybe I can get my stiff body to crack and pop in all the right places.

I'm enjoying being outside for now, with the cool temperatures and all the colors.

And after I run tomorrow, I have two things on the agenda. One, cleaning out the hot tub so we can refill it and get it repaired, and two, going out with a girlfriend to drink a few margaritas or beers and blow off some steam!

Restoring Balance

I've been doing a lot of therapeutic blogging lately, and not so much about running. I've been struggling in general, even though running has been going fairly well.

So I have to apologize but this blogpost isn't going to be about running. I'll have more running to talk about by this weekend, but for now, I need to write about girl stuff. Sorry guys, perhaps my female readers will be able to relate to this...

Yesterday it was my first day off, work hangover day, and I didn't feel good at all. I had this overall feeling of being out of balance, things were not right. Some of it has to do with having a lousy day at work on Tuesday, but I'm having some physical issues too. Still on the hyperthyroid end of the spectrum, and I feel like my body is doing strange things.

I fell off my bike a couple of months ago, I was out on a ride with a friend, stopped, and turned around to say something to him and tipped over before I could pull my feet out of the clips. I fell on my left side, and soon after that began having issues with my right hamstring and IT band.

Dennis massaged me and I stretched a lot, and finally one night I rolled over in bed and felt my hips and pelvis shift, there was this big crunching click that felt like my pubis symphysis re-adjusted itself, and suddenly my right side issues were gone. Except about a month ago, I gradually started developing the same problem on my left side. The other day on my long run I felt like I was twisted- like my hips were pointed diagonally, and my left hip, hamstring, IT band, and glutes were sore for a couple of days.

Yesterday I tried to run and after 3 minutes I bagged it. I felt like crap. My body wasn't there, and my mind wasn't there. I walked home from where I stopped. I felt tense, upset, anxious, and in general, like everything was wrong. Sort of the way I've been feeling for the past month, but all hitting me hard at once.

I finally decided to try getting adjusted by a chiropractor, one I know from years ago, just to see if that would help. Late in the day yesterday I went and I'll give it a try for a couple of weeks of adjustments to see if that helps. If it doesn't, I'll try something else. Not sure what.

Going there yesterday, I didn't feel too much of a shift when he adjusted me, maybe slightly on one side. He did notice that one hip was slightly forward and the other one was back. The other thing was that while I was there they checked my blood pressure, and it was pretty high for me. I thought of checking it at work the other day because I felt like it might be up, but I got busy and forgot. It's not as bad as it was when I was working in ICU, but it was not good!

It's good to have some data to give you feedback on how you're doing every once in a while. I think it's a combination of too much thyroid medication, and I've already backed off, but it does take a while for it to settle down, and this hormonal thing with the onset of menopause. I've had so many women tell me they get anxious, tense, have unexplained rage, and all the things I've been experiencing lately.

Going back to half decaf coffee, getting through this certification exam which is causing me fits, there is so much information, and I took this online review class that sucks, it's been a total waste of time and money except I will get a big chunk of continuing education credits for it, if I can ever pass the damn review class test by the deadline in 3 weeks, and after that, I have to continue studying on my own until I take the actual certification exam itself.

Finally, figuring out what I can do to provide some peaceful, restorative time for myself these days, all will help me get back to where I need to be.

Last night I had this horrible realistic dream that I was back in ICU working, and this one doctor I absolutely dreaded working with was there. I had to call her because my patient's blood pressure was out of control. There were all these people in the patient's room and they were partying, totally oblivious to me trying to work with the patient. Nobody could hear me when I said anything.

I am in desperate need of some therapeutic recreational time. Running doesn't count. I think I've been feeling like I have all this stuff to say and no one to listen. Husbands and guy friends don't understand, it's just not something they can relate to, or what they want to hear about.

I'm going to see Steph in a couple of weeks, but I need girl time now! I miss my girlfriends, the ones I can trust and really open up to. They're in far away places like Denver and Grand Junction. I hate talking on the phone, and that's my only outlet right now.

I promise to start writing about running again soon. Thanks for indulging me. QUACK!

The Crunch: RPB Goes Berserk

Crunch time. Silly me, trying to make some money I signed up for two extra shifts at work next week in addition to this week's extra shift plus it being my work weekend. So now I will be working until the cows come home, it feels like that every day lately.

And of course we are busy busy busy and I was hoping I might get called off of an extra shift. Well that isn't going to happen. All hell broke loose soon after I was committed to the extra shifts. A new and urgent project at work, meetings to resume work on another project after being adjourned for the summer, and multiple things happening all at once, and somebody needing to take a leave of absence the next 2 weeks.

Yesterday was a 10 hour chemo plus an extra patient afterwards. And an extra chemo pump to hook up. A 10 hour chemo feels something like the feeling after a 50 mile run that didn't go so well, one that you were really thankful just to finish. Under most circumstances, it's easier to run 50 miles than it is to work a 12 hour shift, or even 10 hours. By the end of the night my brain felt ready to explode.

Even worse is that a good friend of mine was hit by a car while riding his bike in town last weekend, fractured 6 ribs, and is in unbearable pain. He lives out of town and a bunch of us are taking turns checking on him and bringing him things he needs, but I am really concerned about his safety, living alone up there. He's had a run of bad luck lately, and it's been a rough time for him.

I drove up this morning to see what I could do for him and he's barely able to do the basic things he needs to do, safely. I sort of wish he had been admitted to the hospital to get him through the first, most painful days. Right now I'm afraid for him developing pneumonia since he's hurting so much and on so much pain medication, and unable to keep using his incentive spirometer enough to get much benefit from it. But I'm equally afraid of him hurting himself at home since he's so out of it.

Fortunately there is a group of us watching out for him, who have worked with him in the past or are his coworkers now, and we're sort of tag teaming to keep our eyes on him. But this sort of thing scares me. You can go from being independent and healthy one minute, to something awful hapening that turns your world upside down. And this is the 4th bad thing that has happened to him this year, three of which have been really bad.

I'm trying not to get too stressed out with all this going on. I'm not putting in many miles this week and I will try not to fly off the handle like I did this afternoon at the woman who was placing handbill ads on doorknobs in the neighborhood. I went slightly berserk. The Random Perimenopausal Bitch (RPB) is alive and well.

We have a no soliciting sign on the door but she came up anyway to place the door hanger on there, the dogs went nuts and scared her, and I came downstairs to see what was happening and for some reason I freaked out at her. I opened the door and followed her down the driveway, waving the handbill at her.

I started yelling, "Does this sign mean anything to you?" Don't you understand that NO SOLICITING means none of this crap?" I handed it back to her. She said she didn't have time to read the door, the dogs scared her so much.

"Well, good. Next time read the damn door before you hang your trash here."

I felt absolutely enraged and almost like I wanted to physically attack her. It was like something came over me and I went rabid. Scared myself, too. I suddenly morphed into a raging maniac.

Is this what happens during menopause? Because I can't think of anything else that would explain totally losing it over a silly thing like that. Am I that stressed out?

And did I mention, last night the temperature actually fell below 50 degrees for the first time all season? Maybe since last April. Not sure, but it's damn cold and I love it. I wonder how much of that has to do with hot flashing all the time.

So now I have fifty gazillion things I need to get done in the next two weeks which leaves me very little time to do the things I wanted to concentrate on: namely, running and studying. If I can just make it to October without hurting anyone, I'll be in good shape.

Just don't hang anything on my front door.