Evolution of a Runner and Thoughts on Life and Death

Monday was solstice and I made a commitment to myself to get moving. So far this week I have been successful. Lifting, doing my abs and core work, my hip strengthening exercises, and running and walking. My neighbor has helped, she's been off work after hand and wrist surgery so she can't do her usual yoga, and we decided to walk while she is unable to do her routine, which helps me get out the door.

It's been cold and I haven't been running a lot, I did an hour on Monday and a little over a half hour each on Tuesday and today. I will try for an hour of running tomorrow even though it's supposed to be super cold. But Christmas and any big holiday have always been my favorite times to run because traffic tends to be light, people tend to be in a decent mood, at least less likely to run you over. I'm sure that will all change on the 26th when the shopping frenzy resumes.

I was thinking a bit about how I've evolved as a runner. For me it has never been a straight line, I have gone back and forth with being competitive and non-competitive, being highly driven and laid back. I love to run and I am thinking about finding some fun adventures to do in the coming year, though they won't be about racing or being competitive. I am ready to explore some trails and places I've been wanting to go but my specialized training for roads and my ankle problems never allowed me to put much effort into it. I have some new running partners who are also on-foot adventurers, and one of them is as much a photo freak as I am, and I find myself looking forward to their company.

Tomorrow is Christmas. We are taking it easy, having one friend over and that's it. I made tortilla soup and I got some stuff for quesadillas, and baked some cookies. After two tries on the cookies I finally did it right. I don't know why but cooking in the kitchen has been disastrous this week, I attribute it to the lack of a kitchen supervisor watching me. Isabelle took over Iris's position, and she was getting good at it. But now it's just me. Cooking is not nearly as much fun without Buffaloes.

We got Isabelle's ashes back last night. Dennis cried as he walked in the house with her, having picked her ashes up on his way home from work. A little turquoise box. It's almost an affront to fourteen years of companionship. But that's the way they do it, and now we have them both back.

It's so strange to receive the remains of your dog, the whole, wiggly, soft, furry, loving, interacting, communicating, responsive creature, in the form of a little cheesy-looking box in baby turquoise blue with a little pawprint charm attached to it, with some fake flowers to top it off. Now Iris and Isabelle are both home for Christmas, sitting together on top of the dresser, next to the hedgehog and bone pillow they each loved.

I remember how Iris and Isabelle used to run and could go forever, running circles around us, covering ten times the distance we did. Then they gradually slowed down, going from running Dennis's pace to my pace, to slower than me, then just walking, and in Isabelle's case, barely walking, until she could only go places being pushed in the cart.

I miss my girls, but I wouldn't have wanted to prolong either of their lives beyond where they both ended. I wouldn't have subjected Iris to being reliant on medications to prevent her from having seizures until she got so bad that she herniated, and I wouldn't have wanted Bella to keep losing her balance, falling, not being able to get up without help, losing bowel and bladder control, and living with the pain in her joints.

I know I'll keep moving as long as I can. I just hope that by the time I am unable to move forward on my own feet, that I or someone will be able to help me end my life when I feel like there's no reason to live. I hope by then we have more progressive laws that allow for that to happen for humans.

Death is a part of life and we're all going to die someday so we might as well accept our mortality and live each day the best that we can. If more people would not avoid thinking about and discussing death, and learn to face it as a normal part of what happens in our lives, and deal with the reality of it, we would be so much better off.

We would live our lives better, take better care of ourselves and each other, spend so much less on medical interventions, and we would finally expand palliative care to be a major part of medicine and health care. Instead of treating people as diseases, we could treat them as people who need help either healing or being made more comfortable.

The days are getting longer, and that means more daylight to enjoy each day. Only one more week until spring. Full speed ahead!

Obituary: Isabelle Leck

The Buffaloes have reunited.

Isabelle Leck was born July 5, 2001 in Mesa, Arizona. She came to live with her parents and sister Iris in Fountain Hills, Arizona on September 6, 2001. Isabelle was bred to be a show dog, but she was destined for a much better life.

Isabelle was the shy, quiet one of the two girls, but she was full of surprises. She could be sneaky, and her vicious bark belied her lifelong sweet puppy face. From the first day we met her, her favorite activity was lying down. She loved the cool feel of the tile on her soft pink belly.

Iris was her big sister, trainer, disciplinarian, and groomer. The girls started out as the Buffaloes, stampeding around the tiny house in Fountain Hills and exploring the desert. When the girls were five years old, they moved with their parents to Fort Collins, Colorado. Mom and dad promised them a house with a big yard, grass, trees, and squirrels, and they delivered.

Isabelle loved to fence fight with the neighbor dogs, leaping over anything in her path to be the first one snarling at the fence. She was an ace mouse chaser and bird catcher. At the same time, Isabelle was afraid of many things, particularly insects. Moths and flies were her nemesis, they were terrifying. She relied on her sister to catch them.

She also hated sprinklers, but her sister would protect her, biting the sprinklers to keep them away. She did not like four letter words. We had to watch our language carefully so we did not offend the Flying Nun.

Isabelle had many nicknames. She was the Hedgehog, Mouse, Flying Nun, Sister Bella, but most of the time, she was The Bella. "Don't scare The Bella" was our household mantra.

Isabelle loved to sing and dance, swim in the pool, and cool her belly on whatever surface was available. She loved blizzards, and would stay outside until the snow buried her, with only the tips of her black ears visible above the snow until she shook it off.

She loved to play in the mountains, visiting the shed and the cabin, chasing her sister through the tall grass, sniffing for doggie M & Ms that the deer and elk would leave behind, camping out under the trees and going for long trail runs.

Isabelle had a devious streak. When her sister wasn't looking, Isabelle would finish her own food, then nonchalantly move over and start working on her sister's bowl. She would let her sister do all the work of begging, but Isabelle was always rewarded. Food was Isabelle's comfort and raison d'etre, all the way to the end.

When her arthritis got so bad that she couldn't walk very far, dad would take her for a ride in the Rocket, a special cart her dad built, to get Starbucks pup cups, or for drives on summer evenings to Dairy Queen for cones filled with whipped cream. Isabelle thought Dad was the greatest creature on earth.

She is survived by her Mom Alene and Dad Dennis, grandparents, and many aunts, uncles, and cousins.

There are no words to capture the pure joy these two beautiful girls added to our lives. The Buffalo generation will be missed and remembered with many tears, smiles, and laughs for as long as we live. And the next generation, whenever we bring them into our lives, will surely hear endless stories of their predecessors' antics and legacy.

Now Isabelle joins her sister again on the other side, free to chase squirrels and run, or just lie down, whenever she wants to. The Buffaloes always belonged together, and they always will be.

With A Mohawk

I put 33 miles on my feet last week, mostly running. I feel like the blob. But I did stretch every day and did my weight workout, hip and abdominal exercises twice. That's a start.

I wish I had more to report. I've had more on my mind than my brain's capacity to remember, my life is ruled by little scraps of paper with miscellaneous lists everywhere.

There's so much I want to get done but everyone slows down around the holidays, so I'll take advantage of that and take a breather myself. Work is a process. RFM.

I was happy to sell another painting today. Out of the blue there's been a spike of interest in my artwork. Of all times. I'll take it. I'm not actively creating anything new, but the old favorites seem to keep selling. Cactus with a Mohawk and Peach on the Dashboard are the ones that sold.

Isabelle continues to hang in there. She sings and dances with me. Today I made an exercise video for a client who uses a walker, and as I was doing the exercise moves, Isabelle was singing. She gets excited whenever I move around like I'm dancing. The other day we sang O Holy Night together, as a duet. It was really good.

We had another squirrel visitor in the chimney, I thought Santa made an appearance two weeks early but it was the squirrel again. Dennis swears it's the same squirrel. At least this time it didn't jump in the toilet and track soot all over. I wondered if it was Iris, coming back to see her sister. The problem with old dogs is they can't tell you when they've had enough, and Isabelle doesn't seem ready to give up, most of the time. I don't want to torture her, keeping her around for our benefit, but she does still seem to enjoy our company and the few activities she can still do.

And the food. She loves the food. Dog food mixed with chicken or turkey broth and chopped up grilled salmon or baked chicken. And the pup cups, not as often now that it's so cold outside, but on a warm sunny morning we wrap her up in a blanket in the cart and go to Starbucks.

I had some good ideas for a blogpost this morning but I got so busy and the day got away from me, and I ended up forgetting my idea and riding the bike indoors because I only had a half hour. Maybe it will come back after I get through the rest of this busy week. Maybe.

On Ice

I'm doing okay. It's been a stressful week.

The good news is that I've been consistent about stretching every morning this week, I've been doing a stretching routine and I can feel the difference just walking around afterwards. My hips feel better, my gait feels smooth, and I have an easier time walking around. I didn't realize how tight I've been. I'm also getting into the habit of doing my strength training and hip exercises, and my core routine. I'm putting a few more miles in than I was, still having a little trouble with motivation but I have been more consistent this week.

The stressful parts have been worrying about Isabelle, and then the incredibly frustrating experience of redoing my business website and all the other things that go along with that.

The other night Isabelle decided to try jumping off the bed by herself. Usually she waits for one of us to help her down, but she was unusually restless that day. She gets confused at times. She took a dive off the bed, landed on her shoulder and cried. We couldn't tell that any damage was done but she was uncomfortable for a while. She's also been having some issues with incontinence, and we've been putting towels under her and trying to get her on a schedule, but every once in while we find a surprise. Fortunately we have tile floors, easy to clean.

After her fall, we didn't sleep very well, we talked about whether it's time for her to go see Iris, but she bounced back and the past two days she's been herself, no issues, and the shoulder seems to be okay. She likes hanging out with us, and I just don't feel like it's time yet. It's coming, but not yet.

Other than getting scary bills from attorneys and the anguish of waiting for quotes from different vendors and getting all the compliance stuff set up, I feel like I'm fine, it's just been awfully hard to move forward on a lot of things. I feel like once I can get my website crap out of my lap and drop it someone else's, I'll have so much more energy to concentrate on the stuff I want to get to. It's okay though.

It could be much worse, I could be back in my nurse slavery days. And according to my former coworkers, it's even worse now than it was then.

When I think of where I was 3 years ago, the stress of this is a gift. I'm doing what I love to do, building something I believe in, and knowing that when it's up and running, it will be something that really moves people's lives in a good direction. And better yet, I've been able to be a stay at home dog mom at the end of the girls lives.

Just trying to get the work stuff together and move forward, and it takes time to go through the process.

Take deep breaths, and go for a run.

Day 25: A Girl and Her Buffalo

We're just hanging out. I'm getting some work done, going out to lunch today with an old friend from my ICU days, all the Thanksgiving shopping is done to cook for tomorrow, and I'm working on bits of the new website. Still coughing, but it's getting better. No Turkey Trot for me this year, though.

I feel like going for a good walk and I might have to do that later because it's supposed to get super cold, like single digits, and maybe snow, over the next few days. I'll have to bundle up really well and I'm not sure how my lungs will respond to the intense cold air. I'll try though. I'm really hoping I have the worst of this behind me and can start on somewhat of a regular routine next week. I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, my body feels like a big blob.

I love my little Bella. She's looking forward to the turkey smells and tastes. She needs a break from salmon. I'm looking forward to the time to hang out with Dennis and Isabelle and not have to do much of anything. Wishing you all a happy Thanksgiving too.

Day 23: Return of the Geese

Like groundhog day, only better, because it only has to be repeated once.

I took my car back into the dealer today to get the airbags done, hoping their computers would be working. Fortunately they were. A friend picked me up and we went out to breakfast and talked about our businesses, then she dropped me off at home, and I walked back to the dealer later to pick it up. Yay, done.

Today the geese were flying overhead in their V arrangements, and I saw them at the schoolyard and other places where they like to hang out. It made me sad, I miss Iris. She loved to check out the geese, and of course, she loved goose poop. Isabelle never was much of a fan of it unless Iris was around to set an example. Otherwise Isabelle would have ignored it.

I tried taking The Bella for a walk this afternoon and she didn't want to go. She wandered around in the yard, front and back, but wouldn't go down the street. I know this will be a one day at a time thing from here on. She's still eating, and she still likes to talk to us, beg for food, and sleep between us at night.

Thanksgiving is coming and it's also a reminder that at this time last year, that was when Iris first had a problem with her eye, we took her to the vet the evening before Thanksgiving hoping to get something to help her get through the holiday. At that point we were treating it like an infection, but the vet told us the possibilities, and I conveniently tucked that brain tumor idea in the back of my mind at the time. Nine months later it became real for us, but who knows how much Iris was hiding that whole time. We saw signs like her tripping while walking, drinking a lot of water, and being more lethargic around the house than usual, but she never missed a walk or a treat. Easy to chalk it up to age when you don't want to think worst case scenario.

I had to go through my pictures today too, I've been looking for images for my new website, and I flipped through hundreds of pictures of the girls. I can't play the videos when Isabelle is around because she hears Iris's voice and it upsets her.

I know eventually Isabelle will "go see Iris", but she hasn't given us any indication that she's ready. So we will continue to spoil her with salmon and chicken broth dinners, occasional trips to Dairy Queen, and weekend rides in the cart to Starbucks for a pup cup. Here's a video of Isabelle enjoying a pup cup at Starbucks this past weekend.

Day 21: A Cold Day to Spoil The Bella

I wish I had some running news but I am still hacking up beautiful colors. Waking up this morning to 15 degrees, putting the Bella outside to do her business, I knew I would have to keep busy to distract myself from wanting to be out playing.

The Bella didn't want to come in, she likes to hang out in the cold. But after an hour I was starting to worry about her, so I coaxed her inside. She was shivering! I don't like the idea of my 14 1/2 year old dog being cold, so I heated up some chicken broth and gave it to her, and covered her with a blanket and rubbed her down, like I used to when we'd give her a bath in the bathtub when she was a puppy. She loved it.

Soon it was time for her dad to take her to Starbucks for a pup cup. He tucked her in under a blanket for the ride.

Spoiling the dog is a great alternative to running. I have no idea when I will feel better. If I am still really feeling bad by Monday I might go in and see the doctor. This sort of sucks. But Isabelle is enjoying it.

Day 20: Hanging with The Bella

Cold, windy, snowy day. Not Much energy. I got a few things done in the cave, then I had a dentist appointment. Uneventful. After the dentist I came home and made a cup of tea and sat with the Bella until I had to leave to go meet a friend at her house for a surprise she had waiting for me. It was the kind of thing that gives you chills. She knows this musician and songwriter in Seattle and told him about the work I'm doing with the FIERCE exercise class I teach, and the concept of FIERCE, and he wrote a song about it!! Just about knocked me off my chair. The generosity and kindness from this complete stranger, who never met me. I will be sharing it with the class... 

Now I'm back home with The Bella and Dennis. She's snoring at my feet. If she didn't weigh 60 pounds, I'd pick her up and hold her like a baby. We will bring her up on the bed with us when we go to sleep, as usual. Then I'll have my chance. She's catching up on 14 years of attention that she had to share with her sister. 

Nice start to a restful weekend. I need it.

Day 19: Dragon

That's me, dragon butt. This morning I met a friend for coffee at Starbucks and the cold air actually hurt my chest so I drove the 4 blocks to meet her there. How pathetic...

It's supposed to be warmer over the weekend so I will get out and do some walking. It's going to take a while but I will be patient, I have tons of work to do.

I feel like I have this fog inside my head. It's been hard to think very clearly. Probably all the inflammation in my lungs. I got a few things done, but I know things will not go any faster than they will go. Too much depends on other people's schedules and my ability to coordinate them. It's okay.

So in between drinking tea, eating soup, and trying to not be too hard on myself, I sit here in the woman cave, with Isabelle at my feet, snoring and farting as only a 14 1/2 year old dog can do, and I think things could be a lot worse. This is okay. I'm happy.

This morning, the sunrise view from the woman cave...

Friek Friday: Day 13

It's happy hour. I'm happy because I just got back from my "run". I took Isabelle in the cart, for 4 miles, and ran for 20 solid minutes pushing her. I was tired and didn't feel like running at all, but she needed to get out. So I told myself I had to run for at least 20 minutes and I'd be off the hook for the day. I have a 2+ hour run planned tomorrow with Colleen, then trails with Emma on Sunday.

New beer just arrived, from Odell Brewing. It's a sour cherry/raspberry beer and it's awesome. FRIEK. I felt like a freak trying to open it. We did it, Dennis and I. We both tried and it took some muscle. First I tried, with the towel.

Soon we needed some backup help.

It was worth the effort, though.

It earned the Buffalo Seal of Approval.

Then it was time to run it off.

Boo! It's NaRunMoMo!

Yes, it's Halloween and I won't be out running all day in this beautiful weather we've been having, instead I'm indoors with the cookies. Not yo mama's cookies and milk,though...whatever this bug is that I caught in Arizona, it's got a grip on me. I'm coughing up lung cookies* and still feeling half wiped out.

Since getting back from Tucson I've been in a different type of work mode, though my energy has been only half of what it is normally. I've been working on marketing plans, social media stuff, some continuing education classes that I've put off for months, and thinking about the growing pile of edits I need to get started on, with a new website and associated busywork. The Bella has been at my feet, enjoying the sunshine in the woman cave.

We had our first frost this past week and the flowers haven't figured it out yet. Neither have the raspberries, the left side of the raspberry patch decided to bloom late this year and we've had some delicious berries as a second crop. That will come to a halt any minute, but it's been a nice surprise.

I walked a few times this week and the longest I went was about 3 miles pushing The Bella in the cart, and I didn't have much left afterwards.

I was planning to run with one of my new running partners, Colleen, this weekend, but I think it's going to be another week before that happens. If my energy comes back I might be able to run 20 or 30 minutes by tomorrow or Monday.

Color everywhere, even in the parking lots.

We're coming up on November and as of tomorrow not only will we have changed the clocks, but it's the start of NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo. Wondering if I should at least try to maintain some consistency since that is what I'll be doing in my work life.

If you're not familiar with those, they are National Novel Writing Month and National Blog Posting Month. I don't have anything that could be a novel, unless you count my past experience in nursing, but BloPoMo is right up my alley. Since I've been so lax in posting here this might help me get back to it!

the only way it will all be here, on this blog, is if I can make it #NaRunMoMo too...natonal running motivation month. Which is exactly what I need. As you can tell, I'm making this up as I write this post...

In my case, I'll be lucky to start with ten minutes a day tomorrow. But what the hell. Sounds like a good idea. I've never been much of a running streak type of person, it goes against better judgment in my opinion, but at this point in my life, I need to move regularly, and at a faster pace than a waddle, so it might be just what the doctor ordered. This doctor, anyway.
*forgive me I'm a former ICU nurse and I just can't help myself.