Scatter my ashes here...

Scatter my ashes here...
scatter my ashes in the desert...

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Sticking with Velcro

There is not much running content here, but there is someone new in our lives. We went to pick up Miss Velcro in Ogallala, Nebraska last weekend and she has taken over our lives.

Warning: Many cute puppy pictures will follow. She's cute and sweet, and she also has a diabolical side. She can go from sweet innocent puppy to devil dog in a split second. She's an athlete, already has figured out how to climb and descend the stairs, jump over boxes, play fearlessly with dogs three times her size, and knows how to demand things.

I won't spend a lot of time writing this, just showing you what's new in my life. I did have two consistent weeks of running with 30+ miles per week. And we've been doing the Donut Friday runs, except for during our first snowstorm last week, which we made up for today.

Velcro got to see her first snow, and became the boss in a week's time. Her sister Gypsy will be coming to live with us in another 4 weeks.

And this morning at the Donut 5K predict, I placed third at correctly predicting my 5K time without a timing device. I was only 8 seconds off. I guessed 29:30 and ran 29:38. I won a frozen turkey.

I'll have more to report on soon. I have so much more to say.

Right now I can only do things during puppy naps, so it's hard to complete long tasks. Enjoy the cute puppy pictures. Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016


I am seeking peace with myself. I am trying to live with the fact that Donald Trump will be President.

I have accepted that as a fact, but it's like swallowing poison.

What kind of people have I been sharing this country with?

Someone who lives on my street was remarking on the mild weather we've been having this month, and she added, "Glad we don't have to worry about global warming anymore." She really meant that. She's a Trumpeteer all the way.

I cannot believe WTF I am seeing and hearing about, even though I have done my best to avoid social media and the news. Trump won't live up to his promises and he has a bunch of Neanderthals ready to start in his cabinet. I'm terrified of these same neocons, with the same agenda, recycled from the W administration, same players, same old POWDERs. Pasty old white dudes explaining righteously, except now they are proselytizing too, trying to force their Christianity down my throat.

I'm angry now. I've had a week to digest this news and I have seen enough and heard enough that I'm terrified. We need education, intellectual curiosity and stimulation, not entertainment. Too much dumbing down for too long. Ever since Reagan initiated the dumbing down of America, took away the fairness doctrine, we have been headed downhill and setting too low a bar. Then we got Rush Limbaugh. And Fox News. And CNN. And iPhones. And Facebook. We've created a society of imbeciles.

I'm not being PC but I don't give a fuck anymore. Call it what it is. I'm not going to be nice. A bunch of crazy stupid motherfuckers hijacking the country, the Constitution, after having achieved, over more than a generation, a dumbing down of a nation sufficient to make it acceptable to have a neo-Nazi, white supremacist, woman-hating, Bible thumping bunch of scoundrels responsible for running our government.

There is not too much that pisses me off more than someone telling me this is a Christian nation. I was worried about Mitt Romney four years ago, that he would follow the LDS directives before the Constitution, but I am even more afraid of Pence. He has close ties to the Blackwater CEO and I know these crazy hawks are licking their chops for another war. Repeat Bush Cheney, except worse. And then blame it all on Obama. Seems like the collective memory of the years 2001-2008 are completely gone. Washed away like a Big Mac with a Supersize Coke chaser.

It seems like everyone has forgotten about the war crimes and irresponsibility of the Bush Cheney players like Rumsfeld and Ashcroft and their questionable contracts with the war industry. Here we go again, but this time we have a dictator paired with a holy roller instead of an idiot paired with a sociopath. Bush Cheney on steroids, as if they needed them.

I can't keep quiet and I know these words are inflammatory and vitriolic, but speaking of vitriol, if you feel the need to be the self-appointed guardian of the sacred testicles I have no intention of stopping you. But I would like to continue having my first and fourth amendment rights kept intact...but to these people the second amendment is so important they forget about the others... Maybe they can't count past two?

And healthcare...that's going to be even more fucked up. If you think they've been greedy and shortsighted under Obamacare, just wait. This administration will not be doing ANYTHING to help labor. (unless it involves giving birth to fetuses)

Pretty soon women will all be wearing tattoos of numbers, rating them on a scale of 0-10, as long as they are young enough to be fetal incubators. Once you can no longer incubate fetuses, you no longer matter, because you lack stamina for anything other than being a grandma to the fetuses. And they're gonna need those grandmas after the fetal incubators die by coat hanger.

Yes I'm spouting off a bunch of crap but I'm so pissed, so hurt, so ANGRY!

Hillary was too centrist and too establishment for me. But now they are wasting their time trying to revive the DNC when they ought to gut it and start over with a new, Progressive party, and it pisses me off to see Keith Ellison being fast-tracked, when he'd do better in Congress, and Howard Dean? I used to like him way back when he ran his primary, but now he's been destroyed by his run with the DNC. Let's start from scratch.

All week I've seen people walking around, staggering, stunned, eyes down on the sidewalk, not talking. Quiet in the coffee shops.

I've seen women supporting each other, it's saved me over the past week being with my women friends. But it has to go beyond the platitudes: honor each other, express appreciation, thank Hillary, and wear safety pins.

That won't be enough. We will have to be vigilant, and can no longer afford to get lost in our cell phones and social media distractions.

I didn't like Hillary so much, but I could live with the moderate approach. She would have been a hell of a lot better than taking us back 60 years.

But most of all, I don't understand the lack of empathy. I don't understand these people who can't understand the fear and the feelings that people have. As if it's not OK to have those feelings. I think a lot of people see things that way, can't possibly allow someone to express a feeling that is different from theirs. They can't just be OK with people disagreeing with their point of view and verbalizing it. They have to be right.

That's a consequence of poor education and lack of critical thinking skills, beliefs are more important than facts, the Bible is the only book you need to read.

I'm so glad my life is half over or more, I am so glad I do not have my own human children to worry about going forward. So glad I lack stamina and I'm no longer visible. I worry about my nieces and nephews, their world will require so much more work to fix their pathetic predecessors' legacy.

I don't know what else to say, my brain's been a jumble between sleep deprivation, the grief of this horrible event, on top of my usual state of intermittent brain fog.

It just sucks, and I don't see a way to improve things without risking my life with these concealed carry-toting wackos.

Time to find some POWDER-B-GON.

This really, really sucks. People are stupid. People suck. Maybe only half of them do, but dammit, thanks for fucking up the rest of our lives.

But we can always blame it on Obama, right?

Thursday, November 10, 2016

No Glass Ceilings, Only Blue Sky

The Trumpocalypse happened.

And here we are.

I am trying to type these words without hyperventilating and it's not working very well. Wednesday I was consoling Dennis. Today, I'm a mess.

The night of the election, things started to look a bit unfavorable for Hillary as we approached 9 pm. We went to bed early. We both woke up around 12:30 and decided to check, even though we didn't want to. They had just called the election for Trump.

I was okay on Wednesday. I decided I wasn't going to worry. I decided that if we got through 8 years of Bush Cheney, we can get through 4 years of Trump. I was hanging on to desperate hope.

I ran for 4 1/2 hours today, starting at 8:30 this morning. I had to get out. I went up to Horsetooth Mountain Park and ran the trails, took Southridge and Westridge up to the Towers, down Mill Creek, back up Mill Creek, down Spring Creek to Wathen, up Wathen back to the Rock Repeat route and back down to the trailhead.

It was more like running about 3 hours, with long, 15 or more minute breaks in between whenever I felt myself hyperventilating with anxiety. I was thinking about everything, another existential crisis. Good vertical, not a lot of miles but I took my time. Hopefully I won't be too sore after not doing that much vertical for a while.

I kept wiping the tears from my face, I was a salty mess between the sweat and tears. No blood, fortunately. It's hard to run or even power hike uphill and cry.

I canceled all my appointments today. I just couldn't face it, I was supposed to talk to a breast cancer survivors group tonight and I just didn't have it in me. I couldn't force myself.

After the run I went home, ate some food, then got in touch with Crisann and we went out for a beer at Odell's. It was a beautiful afternoon, sitting there on the outdoor patio, soaking up rays, in mid-November. I had sandals on.

The sunset on the way home was a reminder that another day went by, the sun is still rising and setting.

On one of my run breaks today, I looked at Facebook and one of my friends posted something about glass ceilings. So I commented, "Off the grid, there are no glass ceilings, only blue sky."

I decided I liked the way that sounded.

I'm trying to understand my acquaintances, even some friends, who voted for Trump, knowing they are not hateful people. Trying to understand what was so bad about Hillary Clinton, and knowing she was not my favorite either. I think we need to do away with the electoral college and also the DNC and RNC should be dismantled and the people can form their own new parties, progressive, conservative. Politicians are entrenched, tone-deaf, bought off, corrupt, and only self-interested. But still, how could they support Trump? Was Hillary THAT bad? Was it just total disgust and frustration with the establishment?

If it was, then we had to face it sometime, might as well get it over with now. We do need reform, but having all Republicans taking the country down paths that don't serve the people well, is my big fear. They could seriously set us back a long way. Maybe we need to let the Republicans run things, let them show us if they can be reasonable, if they can run things, if they can lead. Let's see it. But...

We need to be concerned about more than the second amendment- the first, fourth, fourteenth, and all of them, dammit.

And most of all, when empathy is missing, that's what I don't understand.

Best thing I think each of us can do is to talk with someone who voted differently from the way you did, listen to them, don't judge, try to understand their point of view. You don't have to agree with them.

Just have empathy. We need peace. But we don't need silence and fear. Remember their life experiences have played an important role in shaping their point of view. But when you cannot empathize with another person's experience, there's trouble.

Here's an example.

When the story broke about Trump on the Access Hollywood bus with Billy Bush, the "grab 'em by the pussy" story- that was a glimpse into a sexual predator's mind. That kind of abuse, and yes, it IS abuse, is what so many women have been subject to for all these years. And it is a crime.

I really thought, at that moment, there was no way any woman could vote for him. I was wrong.

"Smile" "Loosen up" "Get over it" and the idea that a man is entitled to force himself on a woman, or anyone else, is the same kind of crap that we've dealt with for years, women of my generation, street harassment, feeling like you're being undressed by someone's eyes as you walk by, having to listen to rude and lewd remarks, wishing I were in a burqa just for that moment to hide myself from their leering eyes.

Do you know how many women have been subject to some kind of sexual assault in their lives- whether it's groping, touching, verbal assault, outright rape? Do you know how many women have feared for their safety or been threatened with sexual assault?

Most of us, if I count all the women I know. It's not okay. It doesn't go with the territory. And it's not a man's birthright to harass or assault women.

People must not realize how traumatic that is for women, or the extent of re-traumatization that occurred when that story broke. Or maybe they just don't have empathy.

I don't need to go into any more stories or details here. There are enough examples from what we've seen during the 18 months of hell of this election, and I am sure there are plenty more that haven't come out yet.

Personally, I don't like Hillary all that much, but I didn't think Bernie was going to win if it was him. Though I know Hillary would have made a great President, had she been supported by at least the Senate. Even if Trump doesn't last the four years, Mike Pence scares the hell out of me. So does Paul Ryan. So do Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani and Ben Carson and Michael Flynn and whoever the damn hell else he is going to have on his Cabinet. Peepol R stoopide.

People are upset. I have seen some ugly discussions on Facebook and I've had people try to pick a fight with me. I don't fall for it.

I am worried about healthcare. I am worried about what will happen to immigrants, what will happen to people who are not white, straight, men, Christians, wealthy, and willing to be silent and compliant. I am worried about hate. I am worried about young women's reproductive health and options.

Being on the "wrong side" of most of those categories, I worry about those who cannot "pass" as I can. Those who don't have privilege that I have as a result. I am afraid that the ugliness we saw from the extremists covered by the media will become more prevalent. I am hoping it was the media stirring things up for a story because that is what they do, but that most people are not that way. I don't think they are.

What I think is that people are lazy, ignorant, and don't think very deeply about anything. I think they are fearful as a result, and I think they are shallow and distracted and have allowed themselves to become that way because it hurts too much to think about what our lives are like, and it hurts even more to think about how they could be if we made the effort. It would be a hell of an effort at this point. But still possible.

I think this is true for both Democrats and Republicans, and across all of the possible categories you could think to label someone.

There's always the possibility of a meteor. Talk about shattering a glass ceiling...

I'm trying to be positive here, but I'm not very successful.

WTF, tomorrow is Donut Friday and I need to get up early.