Time and Trauma = TNT

Caution: This post contains some four letter words. Don't read it if you don't like it. 

This morning I went running on Coyote Ridge with a group of women I run with regularly. It was spitting a light mist and everything was socked in- visibility was minimal. It wasn't very cold but I left the house without much extra clothing, a jacket or a hat, planning on not running more than 10 miles.





The trail was wet but not muddy, and I couldn't see the foothills around me, just shadows in the fog. It has a way of closing you in and protecting you.

It was precisely what I needed.

This past week was the week of the now and forever infamous Senate Judiciary committee hearings on the allegations of sexual assault by Christine Blasey Ford against Brett Kavanaugh, nominee for the Supreme Court.

It's been a week filled with talking heads, 24 hour news coverage, contention, hostility, anger, and ugliness.

I wanted to reach through the screen into that Senate hearing room, beyond the "female assistant" (WTF- she's a professional prosecutor, not your damn water boy), and throttle Chuck Grassley and the other senile fuck faces on the GOP side. I wanted to yell to Kavanaugh's wife, Run!!

We just saw the ugliness of power, of rich white male entitlement, on both sides of the hearing- on the Republican Senators side, and on Brett Kavanaugh's side.

I hadn't planned on watching any of it, I had work to do. I turned the laptop on before 8 am and saw a link to the live hearing, and clicked on it. And at 11 am, I was still in my bathrobe, with a cold cup of coffee sitting next to me, glued to the screen. I had to get out for an appointment so it was time to get dressed and peel myself away from the chair.

A little later I came back and managed to catch the part of the hearing where the prosecutor from Arizona asked Kavanaugh some questions, before they sent her packing.

I have some other blogposts I want to write, like about my 12 hour run last weekend, and my current challenge with having decided to go off statins, but this whole political nightmare has pretty much consumed my focus since the middle of last week. I'll get to those other topics later, but for now...

So much I want to say, but in a way, I don't have the emotional resources to say it now. I am wiped out. This week was so intense, watching the hearings, reliving past events, memories of things coming back that I haven't thought of in forever, many of which stir up anger and resentment even decades later. Some are minor and trivial, others were major and traumatic.

I am where I am. I have chosen to be where I am now. But when I am reminded of the events leading to the ways the course of my life has been altered by male privilege and entitlement and sexism, I go between feeling sick to my stomach and angry and disgusted. Things have not changed that much since the 1980s when I was in college as well. And white male entitlement has not changed much...though it is dying, it won't go out without a fight, as we saw on clear display this past Thursday in front of the entire country.

When I think of the things I experienced and witnessed throughout my life around male entitlement, both the traumatic experiences and the less traumatic but absolutely frustrating and enraging crap, having to endure the attitudes of entitlement, guessing at the rules because they never told you the rules, and constantly resisting and unlearning everything they tried to stuff into our heads about how girls and boys should be...

It's all been said so many times in so many places this week, I don't need to repeat it here. Privileged rich white boy finally runs into accountability- his good ole boy buddies in the Senate try to save him by paying lip service to "hearing" the accusations, but won't change a thing, digging their heels in, until drama ensues...and now we have to wait to see the results of the drama and see if the FBI investigation doesn't get micromanaged in ways that will continue to "protect" the public from the truth, and leading to the lifetime appointment of yet another alumnus of the school of beer-and-dick for brains.

What I am thankful for today are the many men in my life who are not Brett Kavanaughs or Orrin Hatches or Chuck Grassleys or Lindsey Grahams or Joe Kennedys or the other bloviating arrogant aging frat boys who think Kavanaugh deserves this promotion because of what he has between his legs regardless of what he did with it.

And I am thankful that I don't have children of my own who might become the prey of such horrible examples of humanity.

What does make me angry are the women who support this piggish display of male good ole frat boy culture. Makes me think those women are bitter and hurt. That they have never been kind to themselves. That they too have experienced this crap but buried it and did the pull yourself up by your bootstraps number...so they have unhealed wounds and attack other women. I don't know if that's true, but I just don't understand women who think sexual assault is something to take lightly. It makes me think these are the women who raise their boys and girls to be assholes and bullies.

As for Kavanaugh, what an arrogant little shit he was in high school and college, and still is. Not expressing compassion for his accuser in any way. Completely unconcerned with the fact that she is traumatized for life. His wife looks like an abused woman. He looks like an alcoholic, and acts like one in his denial. His juvenile answers to the committee, his lack of self-control in front of the committee and the entire country, who in the hell acts like that except for a spoiled preschooler?

And then there are the trivialities, random memories that came back this week, things that were said and done to me along the way that ranged on the spectrum from disrespectful to earthshattering. And there is a lot more, and worse, that I won't share here. And I won't even begin to talk about the crap I've endured while running. Yeah, #metoo.

• Fuck you you little asshole in the school yard in third grade who attacked me with a tree branch while calling me JewGirl, but I got in trouble for kicking you in the balls. 
• Fuck you little snot-nosed turd in my sixth grade class who told me I was fat, on his way to college at Swarthmore and becoming an attorney.
• Fuck you, asshole hockey player who tried to push his way into my dorm room freshman year.
• Fuck you, forestry professor who asked me if I was there for my MRS degree.
• Fuck you, football and wrestling coaches who wanted me to let their athletes get away with "independent study" to maintain their eligibility for sports instead of doing the real work like the other students. (Funny how the female coaches and female athletes never asked for these entitlements)
• Fuck you, administrators in higher ed and healthcare who wanted me to keep my mouth shut, not ask questions, and put up with your bullshit uneven playing field for women.
• Fuck you, you former frat boys who never matured past your beer-soaked pats on the back unspoken agreements to help each other up the ladder to success while you used our shoulders and our ideas as stepping stones.
• Fuck you, professor Fuck Faces in the 80s and 90s hiring no women professors to act as mentors or examples for us to look up to, so we were stuck with the arrogant pricks who told us things like "Your ideas have no place in our discipline".

Yeah, FUCK YOU.

The fog was therapeutic this morning as I could finally let go of some of the emotions- no one could see my tears or my clenched fists or vocalized rage. But it also made me think, this is how those POWDERs (pasty old white dudes explaining righteously) want us to be- in the fog, unable to see clearly. Keeping the truth from us. Well boys, the fog is burning off. Time's up.

POWDERphobia

I am seeking peace with myself. I am trying to live with the fact that Donald Trump will be President.

I have accepted that as a fact, but it's like swallowing poison.

What kind of people have I been sharing this country with?

Someone who lives on my street was remarking on the mild weather we've been having this month, and she added, "Glad we don't have to worry about global warming anymore." She really meant that. She's a Trumpeteer all the way.

I cannot believe WTF I am seeing and hearing about, even though I have done my best to avoid social media and the news. Trump won't live up to his promises and he has a bunch of Neanderthals ready to start in his cabinet. I'm terrified of these same neocons, with the same agenda, recycled from the W administration, same players, same old POWDERs. Pasty old white dudes explaining righteously, except now they are proselytizing too, trying to force their Christianity down my throat.

I'm angry now. I've had a week to digest this news and I have seen enough and heard enough that I'm terrified. We need education, intellectual curiosity and stimulation, not entertainment. Too much dumbing down for too long. Ever since Reagan initiated the dumbing down of America, took away the fairness doctrine, we have been headed downhill and setting too low a bar. Then we got Rush Limbaugh. And Fox News. And CNN. And iPhones. And Facebook. We've created a society of imbeciles.

I'm not being PC but I don't give a fuck anymore. Call it what it is. I'm not going to be nice. A bunch of crazy stupid motherfuckers hijacking the country, the Constitution, after having achieved, over more than a generation, a dumbing down of a nation sufficient to make it acceptable to have a neo-Nazi, white supremacist, woman-hating, Bible thumping bunch of scoundrels responsible for running our government.

There is not too much that pisses me off more than someone telling me this is a Christian nation. I was worried about Mitt Romney four years ago, that he would follow the LDS directives before the Constitution, but I am even more afraid of Pence. He has close ties to the Blackwater CEO and I know these crazy hawks are licking their chops for another war. Repeat Bush Cheney, except worse. And then blame it all on Obama. Seems like the collective memory of the years 2001-2008 are completely gone. Washed away like a Big Mac with a Supersize Coke chaser.

It seems like everyone has forgotten about the war crimes and irresponsibility of the Bush Cheney players like Rumsfeld and Ashcroft and their questionable contracts with the war industry. Here we go again, but this time we have a dictator paired with a holy roller instead of an idiot paired with a sociopath. Bush Cheney on steroids, as if they needed them.

I can't keep quiet and I know these words are inflammatory and vitriolic, but speaking of vitriol, if you feel the need to be the self-appointed guardian of the sacred testicles I have no intention of stopping you. But I would like to continue having my first and fourth amendment rights kept intact...but to these people the second amendment is so important they forget about the others... Maybe they can't count past two?

And healthcare...that's going to be even more fucked up. If you think they've been greedy and shortsighted under Obamacare, just wait. This administration will not be doing ANYTHING to help labor. (unless it involves giving birth to fetuses)

Pretty soon women will all be wearing tattoos of numbers, rating them on a scale of 0-10, as long as they are young enough to be fetal incubators. Once you can no longer incubate fetuses, you no longer matter, because you lack stamina for anything other than being a grandma to the fetuses. And they're gonna need those grandmas after the fetal incubators die by coat hanger.

Yes I'm spouting off a bunch of crap but I'm so pissed, so hurt, so ANGRY!

Hillary was too centrist and too establishment for me. But now they are wasting their time trying to revive the DNC when they ought to gut it and start over with a new, Progressive party, and it pisses me off to see Keith Ellison being fast-tracked, when he'd do better in Congress, and Howard Dean? I used to like him way back when he ran his primary, but now he's been destroyed by his run with the DNC. Let's start from scratch.

All week I've seen people walking around, staggering, stunned, eyes down on the sidewalk, not talking. Quiet in the coffee shops.

I've seen women supporting each other, it's saved me over the past week being with my women friends. But it has to go beyond the platitudes: honor each other, express appreciation, thank Hillary, and wear safety pins.

That won't be enough. We will have to be vigilant, and can no longer afford to get lost in our cell phones and social media distractions.

I didn't like Hillary so much, but I could live with the moderate approach. She would have been a hell of a lot better than taking us back 60 years.

But most of all, I don't understand the lack of empathy. I don't understand these people who can't understand the fear and the feelings that people have. As if it's not OK to have those feelings. I think a lot of people see things that way, can't possibly allow someone to express a feeling that is different from theirs. They can't just be OK with people disagreeing with their point of view and verbalizing it. They have to be right.

That's a consequence of poor education and lack of critical thinking skills, beliefs are more important than facts, the Bible is the only book you need to read.

I'm so glad my life is half over or more, I am so glad I do not have my own human children to worry about going forward. So glad I lack stamina and I'm no longer visible. I worry about my nieces and nephews, their world will require so much more work to fix their pathetic predecessors' legacy.

I don't know what else to say, my brain's been a jumble between sleep deprivation, the grief of this horrible event, on top of my usual state of intermittent brain fog.

It just sucks, and I don't see a way to improve things without risking my life with these concealed carry-toting wackos.

Time to find some POWDER-B-GON.

This really, really sucks. People are stupid. People suck. Maybe only half of them do, but dammit, thanks for fucking up the rest of our lives.

But we can always blame it on Obama, right?

POWDER Trips: A Rant

Been running into a lot of powder lately. Makes me want to cough, gag, hack. Go out for some fresh air.

Seems like everywhere lately, I get powdered.

I'm not a skier even though I live in Colorado and I'm not talking about the lightweight white stuff that falls from the sky four months out of the year. Nope.

I'm talking about some arrogant pasty bastards.

Pompous Old White Dudes Explaining Righteously. The mansplainers.

What the hell is it about men now in their 60s and older who seem to think they have a special mission to keep the world on track, working like it always has, in their favor, and when someone bends the rules and does something different, they can't deal with it? Especially if that someone happens to be a woman.

Look here dudes, if you happen to be white and reading this, and thinking, "That B****, how dare she lump me into a category with a bunch of fuddy duddies and dinosaurs? I don't think like that!"

Maybe you don't, but you probably unconsciously, deep down, have adopted or inherited some vestiges of white male privilege so just be aware. You can handle it. Breathe. Now read on...

When I was in graduate school, back in the last century, ancient times, I can remember how it felt, being a woman in a doctoral program in science, and having no role models or mentors of my own gender. I wasn't the only female grad student in my program, but at the time there were absolutely ZERO women on the faculty in my department. In fact, they hired the very first female tenure-track faculty member the year I graduated.

When I brought my ideas to several faculty members to try to get my graduate committee together, I was told by the other female students definitely not to go to the one dude who was known as a pervert and had been known to have multiple affairs with students over the years. Which I later found out was true one day, when was out on a run and I caught him hiking down the trail, holding hands with one of the undergrad students in the department!! EEK!

But the one statement that sticks with me all these years later was the fairly young at the time (40ish) professor who told me point blank, "Your ideas have no place in our discipline."

F*** You very much, sir, so glad your pompous arrogant ideas have no place in the modern world and that people have evolved over the last 27 years since you said that to me, to accept those ideas as second nature.

That was in the late 80s, the very end of the heyday of complete and total male dominion over natural resources in academia.

In my graduate program I had all men on my committee, I managed to find four of them who didn't cling quite as tightly to the ideas of dominionistic types. Not that I still didn't struggle with sexism in many blatant and subtle ways. But I managed to get out of there with a Ph.D. and I'm still moving forward.

Bizarre ideas and all. Such bizarre ideas I have, along with others of my ilk. Let's look at some of them...

In graduate school, that physiology and social psychology might actually have anything in common that was worth studying. That qualitiative research might have any value in producing real world-applicable results.

In education, that we would hold everyone to the same standard, not having a separate standard for wrestlers and football players. Or that a lesbian administrator at a university could actually function at her job and even hire women faculty without having an ulterior motive to drive the men out and take over the campus with some Amazonistic agenda.

In healthcare or anywhere, that we could treat people with compassion and sensitivity in our workplaces. That we could stop skewing and screwing the balance of economic resources across all people. That we could do a better job with taking care of patients than rushing them through an auto industry-designed assembly line with understaffed, unsupported and unappreciated nurses.

In cancer care specifically, that we could clean up the mess we leave behind as healthcare workers and physicians treating people with potentially life-threatening disease for which we give potentially life-threatening at worst, quality of life-diminishing and traumatizing at best, treatments. And in business.

I have been noticing this in many aspects of what I'm doing, now that I've crossed over to the dark side into the domain of the corporate and business world, still firmly held by POWDER. They are so sure they know how to do everything exactly the way they know is right. They don't know a damn thing about you or your business, but they want to sell their consulting services to you and tell you how you should market things to potential customers, even though they wouldn't know the first thing about what those customers might be concerned about, value, or want.

Or if a vendor wants to sell you their product, even if it's based on shoddy science and questionable claims, that if you reject them, they have to tell you how inhumane you are and question how you could possibly work with cancer patients. It doesn't matter if the vendor has unverifiable credentials or approaches you in a creepy and unprofessional way that immediately gives you the red flag to investigate them further...

I hope people who are non-white, non-Christian, non-male, non-straight, non-linear, non-robotic, non-upper middle class, non-dominant culture brainwashed don't have to deal with this crap much longer. It might be this way the rest of my working life, but damn I plan to keep doing something to change it until I turn up in a ditch off the side of the road with my stiff, running shoe-clad feet in the air. By my own doing, not by being ambushed by some coal-rolling, truck-swerving, gun-toting jerk high on POWDER.

Thanks for indulging me. As a certain poetic genius* once said, "Haters back off!"

*Miranda Sings, a girl.