The Last Great Work Hangover...

Some days are better than others. Sunday morning on the quiet streets, on my way to work, I passed this lake.

I can hardly believe I am through three out of my last 5 shifts at work. This weekend I worked with all good nurses, and nice people. One of our long time patients, who is seriously ill and wheelchair-bound, made a special trip over to the hospital just to bring a blanket that he had made for me. I was so touched, I just about lost it...

I've started saying good-bye to a lot of people all over the hospital, people I've worked with for the past seven years. I'd say shock, surprise, and envy are the most frequent reactions I get when I tell people. Initial surprise, but after a moment they are not so surprised. I tell them what I'm doing, and I think in most cases, that says it all. They understand why, without even having to explain.

Monday was extremely rough in the morning, I could not get going. I made plans to do a lot of things but by 10:30 am I hadn't done anything except stare into space, so I decided it is useless to try to get anything productive done this week. I just need to get through the end of this last week of work and then I can rest and get my life back.

Yesterday I took Isabelle to the vet, she's been moving slowly and seems to be having more trouble with her arthritis. She's doing quite well for a 12 1/2 year old dog but I want her to stay more active. She has some arthritic changes to her knees. Some days are better than others. We're starting her on an anti-inflammatory to see how she does. I've avoided using drugs until now but I think she needs a little more help. Iris, on the other hand, still acts like a puppy.

I had a great conversation on the phone with a nurse colleague in another state last night. We are working, a group of us, in several states, to roll out a project that will be a step in the direction of better support for nurses. I'm going to be moving out of traditional nursing but that will in no way diminish my desire to support nurses. More about that later.

Today it's cold outside but the sun is starting to peek through the fog. My energy levels are still very low, but I understand what that's about. Not much longer. I'm going for a walk today with a fellow writer and artist. Looking forward to that very much.

Tomorrow is my second-to-last shift. More good-byes, more emotions. The hurt and anger are dissipating. Some days are better than others. I'm getting there. Things will be better, very soon.

Detox Day One: Healing from Health Care

I survived the weekend. Thankfully everyone there this weekend was cool. We actually had enough staff and we were able to get through our days without being impossibly rushed. As soon as I got there Saturday morning and saw who was on I was able to relax and enjoy the weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed the patient care part of it.

I'm looking forward to the real detox, though I know it will be difficult to make it through those last two weeks when I go back in November. I look forward to having some breathing time, do a little healing, though I know how fast that can be reversed! At least when I go back, I will know it is my final stretch. So this is sort of a pre-detox session, and I will do the real one when I'm completely done after November 16th.

I woke up Sunday night hot flashing and came into the extra bedroom office and tried to cool down. I wish I felt like my life was mine again. I want to get back to feeling better physically so I can move forward too.

I went back to the pool this morning and started my workouts again. I won't be working too hard, just getting the relaxing effect of a long workout in the water followed by an easy run on land. Running in the pool and swimming are both physically and emotionally therapeutic, and the water supports you. It's almost like getting an all-over hug.

Last week again I was too stressed to do anything substantial, I ran an hour each on three different days. I'm starting to envy all the people posting about their marathons and workouts on Facebook.

So this morning in the pool I ran for an hour with no problem. I even did some intervals to break up the monotony. I planned to swim 1200 meters after that. I got in the pool and began to swim. On my very last lap before I hit 800 meters, I got a killer calf cramp that made me stand straight up in the pool and I almost screamed out loud. Fortunately I was in shallow water and I was on the lane next to the edge of the pool so I grabbed onto the side of the pool and stood there until the cramp let up, but it never really did. Every time I thought it was easing up I started to move and then it would seize up again, just as painful as before.

I knew I was done for the day. I was probably dehydrated from my work weekend- I never drink enough during my shifts, and I've been drinking beer at night and coffee in the morning. I knew I needed to get out of the pool, go home, and rehydrate. But first there was the problem of moving without cramping.

Finally, I used my arms to pull myself to finish the lap and waited for a few minutes, stretching, before trying to climb out of the pool. When I got myself up there, I got two more cramps- this time in my gracilis muscle- my inner thigh- and the arch of my foot. All the cramps were on my left side. So I sat there on the edge of the pool, I couldn't get up. I had to pull myself up by the starting blocks and slowly limp toward the locker room.

Later I had lunch with a friend who used to work with me, she went through a remarkably similar experience to mine before she left. It was good to talk with her, and I know that I will move on beyond this, as painful as it's been.

The thoughts that go through my head these days are about nurses who get out of nursing, and there are so many of them, there is so much support and validation from those who got out. I'm discovering a whole world out there of nurse entrepreneurs, independent nurses, people who either couldn't deal with the oppressive environment of hospital and corporate nursing, or got out on their own for some other reason.

It makes me wonder, what is it that keeps people in hospital nursing, in these toxic environments, for twenty or more years? How can anyone stomach that? But they do. Do they love it that much? Scared to change? Scarred by compassion fatigue from lack of time to debrief after traumatic experiences? Slaves to a paycheck? I suppose there are people who are able to separate themselves mentally from the environment so they can go on. And there are others who are sensitive to it and stay and become sick.

I know I look sick. I am washed out, wrinkled, overweight, my eyes are sunken into my head, I don't even feel like I have an athlete's body anymore. I want to get back to taking care of myself. The past six months I haven't even been able to stick to a consistent routine of working out and eating right.

Sunday my coworkers were talking about one of the nurses we used to work with who was in a different department from us but used to come to our area to help us a lot. She left about a year ago. They said she looks great, she lost 60 pounds, she looks younger, her face doesn't look drawn or stressed anymore, and she's happy.

I had some pictures taken last week by a professional photographer, for my business website, and I couldn't believe how bad I looked. I really do look awful, pale, older, matronly. Not healthy or athletic or anything resembling active or vibrant. I don't even recognize that person in the photographs. I need to wait until about 6 months after I leave the job and then get them re-taken.

I wrapped up the day by going out with another former coworker. As we talked, there were a few things that came up in the conversation that validated my decision to leave even more. I got home by 9 pm and went to bed, and slept pretty much straight through the night...

Shaking It Off

Yesterday was my favorite kind of day, October weather when everything smells earthy, the sky is dark, the wind is howling, tree limbs scratch the siding on the house, leaves are flying off the trees and landing in bright colorful displays on backdrops of green grass and gray concrete.

When I started the day I didn't feel so great, it was a work hangover morning. I woke up at 7:30 am, late for me, and missed the best opportunity to get over to the pool. I decided to put that off until Tuesday. I worked 10 hours Saturday and 8 on Sunday but it was still tiring.

I like the people I work with on the weekends, that always helps. No matter how busy it gets, it seems like we work well together. And of course I always hear the latest news, as if this would be any surprise by now, I found out two more nurses I used to work with are leaving. There must be a reverse polarity magnet around here...

So yesterday morning in my brain fog, I got out for a walk with Iris and then a run in the afternoon, and both times I brought my phone so I could take pictures.

When we started on the walk, my neighbor was on her way to work, she pulled over and put her window down and we talked. Her work hours have been cut and her husband is furloughed from his federal job, and they are struggling.

She asked me how my change at work is going, and I told her I can't tell the difference yet. One more week like that and then I have 2 1/2 weeks away from there, which will give me time to reclaim myself again and get back to my own stuff.

I purposely didn't give myself a lot to do since I knew I could feel like that. I did get some work done and then it was afternoon, so I went out to run for an hour. I wanted to go down by Warren Lake and the neighborhood south of there, so many trees with beautiful colors in the fall. It was perfect timing. I'm glad I did it then since it could snow later this week and the leaves will be gone soon.

At lunch on Sunday I sat outside on the patio and there was a table full of people talking. I sat at another table by myself and listened. It's funny to see how some people stuff their feelings, and you know they're seething inside, but they try so hard to make things look pretty on the outside, even though nobody's life is as smooth and unflawed as they try to make it seem. It was interesting that at one table of five people, some people had every excuse and apology in the book for the same things that other people found completely unacceptable.

I prefer to express myself honestly. I'd rather be true to myself, and keep my sanity and self-respect. Holding things in is too stressful. Stress does all kinds of horrible things to your body and I'm now paying for that. Of course I'm still having to hold some of it in, because I can't name it, but it's coming out in other ways.

For nearly five years I volunteered a huge amount of my energy, effort, and time into some projects, that were very important to me, personally and professionally. I spoke face to face with the people who were making it happen, multiple times, and made no secret of my interest and willingness to lend my knowledge and skills, which were a great fit for the project. I naively expected that I would get the courtesy of a return email or face-to-face conversation when about a year ago I reiterated my interest and offered even more of my time and energy in making one particular project go forward.

You would think you'd be able to get an answer without having to chase people down for months. You would think that you could be in the same room with someone and they could speak to you one-on-one instead of avoiding you and running away at every opportunity.

After putting four or five years of your life into something you'd think you'd get that much. As I said, I guess that was naïve of me to expect that professional courtesy. Anyway, for a while I was devastated and hurt, and then I got angry, and then I realized that I could wait the rest of my life but the decision was out of my hands from the very beginning and I have been used. I was too trusting and then later found out that this is not the first time this chain of events has occurred, and I'm not the first person who has experienced this.

I suppose when you give so much of yourself you are at risk for being taken advantage of by people who think they can just take and take and take, and they certainly did. I still hope that whatever I gave will serve a good purpose for someone, someday.

Another situation came to light today, the stadium deal for CSU is looking worse all the time. Still, you know that those holding the power will push for this, it doesn't matter if it's a bad idea for the people of Fort Collins or for the students at the university.

I wonder when people are going to have enough. I'm not very old, but maybe I am showing my age, that I get outraged by things that seem so unjust and unethical. Maybe I'm just a hopeless idealist. Maybe I'm a dinosaur. Maybe I'm just naïve as hell in thinking that there's some injustice in squeezing the life out of the little guys so the big guys can enrich themselves. Maybe I'm just clinging to a utopian fantasy!

It's sad when politics, favoritism, shortsightedness, insecurity, and incompetence get in the way of things, but that is the way of the corporate world on corporate money-tainted legislation-enabled steroids. Big entities can abuse their power in so many ways these days. It's gotten to the point where people, human beings, are being squeezed to death, there's so much abuse of power, exemplified in the current government shutdown.

Before this post gets too morose, I have to interject this bit of hilarity. I don't have TV and I tend to avoid pop culture, but the uproar over Miley Cyrus and her performance at the VMA barely caught my awareness when it happened. I read the outraged comments of so many people who thought she should have been less or more...whatever. I really didn't care. But then I saw this clip from her performance on Saturday Night Live and I became somewhat of a Miley Cyrus fan. This is about the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

So I'm slowly and still a little painfully moving on to smaller things. I don't need the reminders of the big power-wielding entities and they are everywhere. But eventually I will be better off following my own path.

I know my own path, as hard as it will be, will ultimately be much more colorful and unique, more satisfying to me. But most of all, I know it will be effective and do what I value most in serving other people as human beings.

As a utopian dinosaur, I still believe that beating people down in the name of powerful interests is morally wrong.

Mother Teresa said, "If we have no peace, it's because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

In the Rain

It's been raining on and off all week and it's been a huge relief.

Being on my work hangover day, I'm pretty worthless. I don't ever expect much of myself the day after back to back shifts. Certainly nothing that requires brainwork. I'd love to have the energy to go out and run on this rainy day, maybe after a nap I can do it. I feel pretty much depleted to the core, but looking out the window at a scene that looks like the Pacific Northwest, makes me happy.

Today I'm meeting an old friend for lunch, we knew each other nearly 20 years ago, and we've been talking about getting together forever, and never get around to it.

The Buffaloes are staring me down, waiting for their walk. I guess I need to get something done...

I will give it a shot at getting on a routine of working out again next week. I don't remember any other time in my life when I lacked the desire to get out and move. It's raining again. Time to break out the Marmot jacket.

Work Hangover Wednesday: Dropping Like Flies

Another one bites the dust.

What an emotional couple of days these have been...

Tuesday I worked on negotiating the terms of what's called a relief position, at work, which would give me some hours but I wouldn't be putting in these long shifts or back to back exhausting days anymore.

That would start as of October. It would give me a way to transition out, and restore my health, and start putting energy into things that help me move forward, like going off on my own.

It was an exhausting day, I went home after work and crashed for an hour. Today it was busy, we had barely enough help and then got slammed at mid-morning.

By 6 pm it was all I could do to make it through another three patients when I'd been going since 8, plus a 4 am killer calf cramp that woke me up to my own screaming out loud, then being unable to go back to sleep.

The saving grace was around 10 am when I was about to start an IV, and a friend stopped by to drop off a bottle of water for me, and told me to drink it. Being up early, I'd facebooked him about the calf cramp, and he surprised me.

But by the end of the day I couldn't wait to get out the door.

Another nurse is leaving. She resigned and came by to tell us today. When she did, one of the nurses on our staff cried. "How can this be happening every day," she said.

Great nurses, the best nurses anywhere, leaving. Nurses who learned to practice under the best and most supportive of conditions and took pride in the work they did.

On my way back from lunch today I was in the stairwell and ran into a nurse from another unit. She told me she's been hearing about my blog. She said, "You could be our leader."

Well as one person I have very little power. I can write my heart out because I am a writer, it's what I do. That's how I process things. As a writer who happens to be a nurse I can write about nursing. I can write about the workplace. I can write about health care. I can write about how demoralizing it is to feel like there's a mutiny going on.

I can't be the only one, though. It takes more than one voice. If no one believes anything will change, that's because there aren't enough people making enough noise to make the people who have the power and resources to change, change.

I have already felt the backlash, that certain people don't like me writing about what's going on, they are embarrassed, they feel it reflects poorly on them. They are fearful of the competition, which is coming.

Well you can try all you want to blame the people with no power and no resources to change things, but that doesn't make it okay for the people with the power and resources to go ahead and trample the resistance, like in Tianenmen Square.

It's a result of inhumane resources. No, it's not a new department name. It's the misguided use and distribution of resources that ends up hurting people.

When people feel like they work for an organization that doesn't care about them, that they are bodies filling shifts, that they are disposable, especially after years when they had all the support in the world, it's a hard landing, like crashing on concrete.

Strong organizations have clear direction, strong leadership, strong accountability for those in the highest ranks of the organization, know where they're going and allow employees to do their best work, and provide the conditions for that.

They don't blame the people who are hurting as a result of cutthroat policies and have little outlet for their frustration, and lack power and authority to change things. They don't make excuses by slashing already marginal pay and benefits from the people who do the dirty work, they cut the fat from the top if they're smart.

There has to be several million dollars to save in excessive salaries and perks. For example, Vanderbilt University, which in 2008 paid $20 million dollars alone to just 10 of it's top positions, several of which are health care executives. Instead of going without nurses, how about going without a CEO or President?

Strong organizations don't flinch too much if there's competition coming. If they are secure in what they're doing, there's no reason to worry. If they give consumers a reason to stick with them, show them why they're superior, then they end up winning. Like in an ultramarathon, you wouldn't go out and run as fast as you can in the first few miles because everyone else is doing it, when you risk crashing and burning. You run your own race, you conserve your resources, and in the end you end up way ahead of the competition.

Nurses, you wouldn't hesitate for a second to advocate for your patient's needs. But when it comes to yourself and your coworkers, why are you silent? When you have to get tough with a physician who is resistant to returning your calls, when you need an order NOW and you're not getting a response, when some jerk doctor acts like a prick and is condescending and pulls rank that they fantasize that they have but they don't, you don't take their bullshit. You don't get bullied into silence when it comes to your patient.

The fear of losing your job is one thing, but losing a job that is taking advantage of you and making you miserable- isn't it worth the chance of setting some things right? of making something better? If they continue to demoralize the workplace anymore, you'll be too sick and too tired to keep your job anyway. Case in point, right here behind the keyboard.

I really don't care if people think I'm idealistic and live in a fantasy world with justice and treating people fairly. I hate that the corporate world works the way it does. We as citizens have allowed it to get to this point. But when enough people are hurting, doesn't it make you want to do something other than zone out on Facebook? Can't we do something about it? One small thing? Today?

Work Hangover Wednesday: DNF

Everybody has a limit. One of the downsides of being an ultrarunner is that we are able to withstand discomfort and adverse conditions for a long, long, time before we throw in the towel.

Sometimes we put up with harsh conditions long past the point where we knew better.

I attempted to give notice at my job yesterday. I was actually going to quit altogether, but after a long discussion with my boss about everything that's been chewing at me for the longest time, we arrived at a workable solution, pending more thought on my part, at least for now. So I caved. Nothing is decided. I guess that qualifies as a DNF for quitting my day job.

It's like bailing at mile 90 in a hundred mile race after puking your guts out all night when your crew has one thing in mind and your mind has long since left the planet. Do I want to? Does it really matter at this point?

There is an option, where I would no longer have a regular schedule or be obligated to work these back to back 12 hour shifts that are killing me, and it would be a more comfortable transition for me as I ease into my future plans. But I don't know yet. It might not happen.

So Work Hangover Wednesday might soon become a thing of the past.

Today the hangover is intense, I am getting close to going down for a nap because I have not slept much all weekend. I feel like I've been operating a jackhammer, I feel completely rattled to the core with the emotions of the past few months and days as I've been contemplating this transition and finally arrived at a time limit for myself to wean off the teat of steady employment.

When your job takes you so far away from who you are, and where you want to be, it's time to change. I'm not running, I haven't run since vacation, I did a couple of bike rides, other than that I've been a zombie, doing a few walks.

I've been physically, emotionally, spiritually drained. While I'm far from alone, my friends and colleagues who are in the same boat as me all have limited resources to support each other through this challenging time. And there are a lot of us who've had each other's backs through the toughest days, and those days are far from over.

I love the work I do with the patients, but the old advice "don't quit your day job" does not apply when your job is taking more from you all the time and is hazardous to your health physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's not the work I do, it's all the other crap that gets piled on top of us that has nothing to do with the work of true patient care. It makes you crazy.

It's almost a joke that since becoming a nurse, in 7 years, my hair has turned gray, I've gained 20 pounds, take more medications for my health conditions, and drink more alcohol than I ever have in my life. Good thing I'm a lightweight or I wouldn't be able to afford myself. Unfortunately it's NOT a joke. It's true.

It's not right that the business of delivering health care has to be so hard on the people who actually deliver the care.

Health care reform is not taking us to a good place. We need health care reform desperately, but we've gone about it in a way that cannot succeed unless we reform the political process and legal system in this country, and stop the corporateering, profiteering and gaming by those who hold the power. People need to step up and say we're not going to take this. Until we start caring about each others' well-being independently of our rungs on the socioeconomic ladder, we are going to continue our downward slide in quality of life and the quality of our future.

Have you seen the movement by the people in Boulder who took on a big energy corporation? Well the same will happen to health care if things don't start to improve. People are being pushed to their limits. Things will change but only when everyone decides they've had enough. When things get rolled out later this year for the Affordable Care Act, if it's not well-orchestrated, there could very well be protests in the streets and a lot more forceful action on the part of the people. And long overdue, in my opinion.

When our politicians do nothing and we let them get away with it, we have only ourselves to blame, and the only way to fix it is to start cracking the whip.

Sunset Flight

The past few days have been uncomfortably hot around here and it's been sapping my energy, but I've managed to get some decent bike rides in and some good walking. I'm starting a regular cross-training program as of Monday and I'll be feeling much better soon. I've been watching the birds and squirrels, they have been more active and they know the days are getting shorter.

Yesterday I met with a local coach, Wendy, to get her opinion on what's been off with my training. When you coach yourself, you can get tunnel vision and miss certain things that are obvious to someone from the outside. I've been at the bottom of a pit.

I already knew subconsciously, or even consciously, that I've been neglecting, hills, strength, and core work. All I've been doing for a long time is running roads and flats, few hills, with very minimal work on my abs and core, no weights, which amounts to almost no overall strength training. My performances plateaued, I can run forever, I have great aerobic capacity, but I am vulnerable to injury as a result of the staleness and lack of variety in my training. Wendy pointed that out to me in 5 minutes, and I've been marginally aware of the need to do all this but had little motivation.

Also, the lack of strength training has most likely reduced my muscle mass, which also reduces my metabolic rate, leading to fat gain. I need to shake things up. I've just had zero motivation, it seems like mental exhaustion and physical fatigue have been taking over. And I know why...the thing I've been bitching about for so long, I'm burned out and frustrated with my job and it's sucking the life out of me. Feeling physically, mentally, and spiritually depleted is not good. Extreme depletion precedes defeat. I will not allow this to get me to the point where I feel defeated.

Change is coming, and soon. The feeling of relief washes over me like waves in the ocean. I feel like I'm floating in the water, or lifting off the ground.

Work Hangover Wednesday: Walking

It's the end of the day and I almost didn't blog because I didn't feel hungover from work. I did slip into the negative mindset for a short time but I caught myself and remembered what was important, and getting back to a positive vacation frame of mind was the key.

The thing I always do on vacation is walk. I try to cover as much territory on foot as possible because that's how you can really observe and see people, places, and things, up close, and interact with them. At home in my usual routine I'm usually running, and that's part of training, so walking gets cast aside. I think in a way this injury has been a blessing, because I need to walk now, it's a key part of reclaiming myself after this stressful episode in my life.

Tuesday morning I was on my way into work and I ran into an advance practice nurse I've known since I started this job, she has been with the organization a long time and is good at what she does. I initiated the usual start to the conversation: "How are you doing?" and these days, when greeting my fellow nurses, it doesn't get answered with a smile and a confident-sounding, "Good".

Instead, now it's always "Okay. You know...been better." with a downward deflection of the voice.

That's exactly how she answered me. She asked me what I thought of things, and I told her, honestly, how disappointed I am in the way things have gone. She agreed with me, and she's also considering alternatives. Later in the morning I ran into another nurse who has been there forever, and she told me she is working on starting her own business, doing something related to nursing. It's sad to see so many people echoing the same feelings and escapist ideas. Even the people you thought would never have left.

Today I slept in until 8:30, which is rare for me. I needed it. That's why I didn't have a work hangover, even after a busy, long day on Tuesday. Since we got back from California I haven't slept well, with my work schedule it's hard to get a good night's sleep anyway.

I started this morning with a walk with Iris, Isabelle didn't want to go. I tried, but she refused. When an Australian Shepherd makes up her mind not to do something, that is how it is. So she stayed home. During the walk with Iris I was able to stop myself from thought perseveration on the frustrations of work, and turn my attention to better things. I began to come up with ideas, and those ideas became organized thoughts, and when I got home I was able to write things down.

I didn't put too much pressure on myself to work on anything too hard, I just got a few things done and then called Troy, and he came into town around 12:30 and we went for a bike ride for a couple of hours to Loveland and back. I felt like I got a good workout, didn't ride overly hard but steady. The pool at EPIC is closed until the middle of September and until then I can either find a different pool or just stick to the bike and minimal running. I'm figuring out a training plan that will keep me fit but not too tired so I have plenty of energy to work on the important business of my future.

After the bike ride I went for another walk, to think and clear my mind. It was a hot afternoon, and I tried to rehydrate myself. Walking always helps the thoughts flow so much better. I did a ton of walking on vacation, and I think it will save me if I continue to do it now, when I need more than ever to be able to think clearly, make plans, and move forward. Each day, just a few more steps forward, and I will get where I'm going.

Like I always tell Wheaties Boy when he asks me about my approach to a race I've trained hard for, I have a job to do. So I go there and do it until it's done.

I have a job to do. I'm not waiting for anybody's mediocre B.S. to get in the way of my ability to do something satisfying and meaningful to me, and helpful to others, I'm doing it myself.

Life is too short to wait, too short for mediocrity, and too short for B.S.

Spin Doctors Come to Jesus and the Mystery Body Fluid

So the past two days have been interesting...must I elaborate?

I will. Tuesday I met with three different friends at three different times of the day, and the conversation each time was partially about my future plans. I really need to get on a different track, and I'm taking small steps but haven't been able to focus on what IT is. I'll get there.

Tuesday night I got slapped in the face by my own dose of reality, my own Come to Jesus. I went running with Wheaties Boy, and we were about 7 miles into the run, going at an easy 9 minute pace and the hamstring had held up well, when suddenly....

A pine cone appeared under my feet and I rolled my right ankle on it, and after a few four letter words and stopping to check the damage, things seemed okay. I iced my hamstring when I got home, I could feel it at the end of the run. Then in bed I could not get comfortable. My right hip, front, side, and back muscles at the level of my iliac crest were screaming, I had pain shooting down my leg, and I tossed and turned all night, sleeping poorly.

As I was lying there awake, I realized it was dumb of me to go running, I should not be running at all right now. I should be sticking to the bike and the pool. The hamstring needs a certain level of rest and rehab first, and I have not given it that. The universe was saying, don't run now.

And the other thing I realized was that when I twisted my ankle, I must have thrown my pelvis, hip, back, SI joint, and whatever other movable parts there are back there out of alignment, because everything hurt, and I was cracking and popping in all sorts of weird ways that I hadn't been before the run.

So I plan to get in the pool and try to loosen up my back and on vacation I will have a non-training agenda.

You know you're ready for a vacation when you see things in a flat light. Today I barely made it through the work day, I was simply not having any fun at all. Your mind is forced to be there but it wants to be somewhere else.

My mind kept coming back to my back- how sore it was, how my entire lower half feels twisted, and both hamstrings hurt. I just wanted to find someone to walk on my back, shake my legs and crack my SI joint back into it's proper position.

But even more than that, one of the nurses I like and work with often told me today she gave notice. She's moving out of state and she's looking for a completely different job. She doesn't even have a job lined up yet, but she'll have no problem. We've been talking about changes for a while, so I'm happy for her, and truthfully, I envy her. She's been a nurse for the same amount of time I have been.

But she's 20 years younger than me and has the world in front of her, and I envied her freedom and that she is getting out and moving on. I have the ability to do the same thing, with more at stake, as I'm in a different place in my life. There's a big difference between 30 and 50, for a lot of reasons. But sacrificing your happiness and sacrificing being true to yourself are not healthy options, and I'm paying for that now, and have been for some time.

Nursing is such a dead end job. Working directly with patients at the bedside, chairside, in a hospital setting is the worst. There's something wrong with a profession that burns so many of it's members out in 7 years or less. There's plenty of lateral opportunity but you can't really stay in the same workplace and move up or into more fulfilling jobs. Unless you're one of the few who enjoy torturing themselves with management duties, and/or being a yes man. Becoming a nurse practitioner might look appealing on the surface, but they are going to be forced into getting more and more education, the value of which is not looking too favorable. And then there's always the glut that happens after the big sell job by the diploma mill.

If I felt like my own skill set was valued, I might feel differently, but I don't. Sick care, not creativity, original thought or innovation, is the only thing that drives the health care industry in the hospital setting. It's nothing more than a factory. It's all about the bottom line, all about the bucks, not at all about the people who serve and are served. The spoils go to the yes men who can recite the scripts, or scripture. Corporate culture is more like a religious cult.

It's been an interesting time. Seems like every time I turn around someone else is leaving. And this week the muckety-mucks are freaking out because they got a big dose of reality after a survey that showed staff satisfaction has plummeted into the gutter. Literally, turned inside out. But how could they even be a little surprised?

What kinds of things are going on in the world of health care? What has health care reform brought us? Hospitals are merging, as we did. They are switching over computer systems, like we did. Mergers and big changes result in everything turned upside down, a gazillion people at all levels of the organization leaving for other places, and staffing levels are reduced, like we did. At the same time these organizations claim to be making the work environment efficient and lean, they spend huge sums of money on expensive consulting firms and wasteful, ineffective training programs, the hypocrisy of which is not lost on even the most menial of workers.

All this is happening in health care nationally at the same time. And here, they also chose to do it that way, in a short time frame, using those methods. No one said they had to do it that way, or all at once, or by carrying a big stick. It's easy to call the shots from your penthouse, when you don't have to live the day to day reality of it. It's a systemic problem, and we can blame it on our own apathetic response to our current system of allowing legislators to run amok with power and money.

So as far as getting slapped in the face with the reality of screwing up royally, that's what happens, when companies take on too much, too soon, and throw thousands of people's lives into a tailspin. Can't blame the people who had no say in the matter, the powerless peons. Given an opportunity to speak out in a survey, they will speak, because it's their only way to be heard. Those way up high, far away, have no one to blame but themselves when they hear the message they don't want to hear. They are now suffering from a big butt bite and all I can do is give them a rabies vaccine.

The spin is entertaining, if not sad. How many ways can you twist the reality of a clear message that you have fucked up into something that avoids taking full responsibility? Let's see how many ways it's possible to script a message into a yes-man digestible version to be distributed to trickle down to the masses. No matter how you spin it, it's not the fault of anyone but the people who have the power to initiate the changes. As in, those who make the six and seven figure salaries and never get their hands dirty. But many people below pay for it, out of their hides, every single day.

So that's my work hangover-induced rant. To add a twist on my otherwise doldrum-like day, I did have a little surprise to spice things up.

Early this afternoon I was sitting at the computer doing my charting, and I looked down at my pants. There was a quarter sized stain, with starfish-like extensions, dried on the front of my thigh. It was a brownish-green color. No one had puked on me, and I couldn't figure out where it came from. The only thing I could think of, and what it resembled most, was that someone had coughed up a big ol' loogie and hacked it on the front of my pants. They would have had to be low to the ground to do that, though. I haven't had to deal with much in the way of lung cookies since my ICU days. I suppose there are some things to be missed if one ever leaves the nursing profession...

I freaked out for a minute, in my own quiet way, and then went to the sink, wiped it off with some water and alcohol wipes, and it was gone.

Those pants are definitely getting washed separately tonight...

Work Hangover Wednesday: The Ripple Effect

I slept until 8:45 this morning after going to bed at 9 pm last night. I did wake up in the middle of the night though and was awake from 2 to 4 am.

I start a long stretch off now and I am ready to reclaim my life, everything is in disarray after the chaos of the past month. Our basement is a disaster, all that's missing is the yellow tape. It's drying out this week. Then we start the process of figuring out what to do next.

While I might need a few afternoon naps to recover this week, a friend of mine who is a nurse on a different unit that was understaffed worked a 16 hour shift his last of 3 days and he slept away the first two of his four days off. He's not getting compensated to recover.

This morning was a waste, I stared into space, did a few things around the house, but didn't even think about a workout. I'm hoping after a nap I might be able to fit a run in this evening.

Injury report

I guess it's fair to say, yes, I am injured. There, I said it. Do I feel better? No. Freakin hamstring. I can run, but I can't train. There's a big difference.

I am hoping to figure out where I am with this hamstring injury over the next few days and make a plan, I need to see if there is anything I can do for it that will allow me to get more improvement and do the training I want to do before October. The plan is to see if I can handle two 20 mile days this week and some shorter runs, and get some good rides on the bike.

Wheaties Boy crashed on his bike yesterday. He got banged up but nothing major. The bike took a worse hit than he did. The ground probably took an even worse hit than the bike. But he's tired, even though he doesn't think he is, and it's easy to be brain fogged for a day or so after a hard race like that triathlon, I think he needed to get more rest. When you're that fit, your body feels great even after a major effort, but there's more to recovery than just the body.

I don't know about him, but I know I am completely brain fogged the day after a long hard race. After a race it takes me a few days before I can even think clearly. You become more accident-prone because you don't have the mental sharpness that you usually have.

Stress report

All the stress at work and the distractions at home of cleaning up the basement, not being able to free my mind to focus on what I need to do to take care of myself, is part of the reason I'm injured. Work has been somewhat less stressful, we're starting to go back to our usual level of staffing but we're still running into glitches with the computers, and we have less support available now. It seems to be going pretty well, but there are many speed bumps.

Stress brings out the worst in people, every change seems to sweep a new wave of toxicity over us. It's amazing when people slowly reveal the inner core of their personalities. I always have to laugh when I hear patients refer to nurses as angels. Ha...if they only knew.

Sometimes if you pull a weed you think you're getting it out of the garden but it already went to seed and the seeds are sprouting other weeds. Little weeds grow up to be big weeds. It's a never ending cycle.

And on top of all of this our schedules are changing, which is not a bad thing, but getting a dozen people to change their daily pattern around is another source of tension and disruption to everyone's lives. There have been so many changes, I'll be glad when we get past all of this and things settle down again. Maybe by next year? I hope it won't take that long.

The Bright Side

I am just looking forward to going on vacation at the beach, a real vacation, no racing, no thinking, no stress. Just the sand, sun, and surf, and I'm planted on a towel in the center of it.

The good news is that I think I've finally come up with a fun Colorado mini-adventure run idea for my 50th birthday. No, not 50 WalMarts. It involves running 50 miles, and it also involves beer. And food, of course. I'm in the planning process. More to come...

Work Hangover Wednesday: Gluteus Minimus, Flashus Maximus

After a three month reprieve, my hot flashes are back with a vengeance. Not sure why they suddenly decided to come back, but the past two nights I've been unable to get comfortable, keep waking up in a sweat, throwing the covers off until I cool down.

I got dehydrated over the past few days. Between the hot flashes and not drinking enough while at work, and for some reason, peeing a lot, I felt funny this morning when I decided to go out and test my back with running.

I took Iris out first and then brought her home. I went back out to do a loop that's about 6 1/2 miles, because I only had about an hour until I had to leave for Loveland. I did fine for the first 45 minutes, it was a warm morning. My back was okay, I felt some intermittent numbness in my leg and hip, mostly in the left hamstring and around the front of my hip, but it didn't seem to be affecting my gait.

I started aching in my hips, though, both sides, and felt really weak all of a sudden. I stopped under a tree in some shade and felt dizzy, like I would pass out. I held myself up on a street sign.

Once that passed, I started running again, and about 5 minutes later the same thing happened. Again, I let it pass, I was only 2 miles from home. I ended up stopping three times on the way home in the last twenty minutes of the run, and walked for a minute each time, I kept feeling so weak and dizzy. Each time I had to stop and hang on to some object because I wasn't sure if I could stay upright.

Then I remembered the hot flashes, and not drinking enough, and decided that as soon as I got home I'd weigh myself to see if it was dehydration. I got the scale out of the closet. Five pounds down. I was 125, and I've been consistently weighing 130 lately. So I started pounding the fluids, blended up a maradol papaya with orange juice and ice and two S-Caps, and I'll keep drinking.

I iced my back to be safe. I got 8 miles in this morning, and I'll go out for another 4 or 5 this evening once I rehydrate. Seems like the dehydration was a lot bigger issue than any muscle strains.

I did my day at work Tuesday, and my back held up well. The only things I couldn't do were bending over and picking things up off the floor unless I squatted, which is hard enough to do anyway, but you really don't want to do that if your scrub pants are even a little bit tight.

At work yesterday it was a slow morning and occasionally if it's slow, the oncology massage therapist will come over and ask the nurses if they want a neck or shoulder massage. She brings her chair over and works on us. It's one of those rare things but yesterday it couldn't have been better timing. My 11:00 patient didn't show up and I got a massage.

I told her about the muscle strain in my back and as she worked on me, gently, she told me she thought it was my gluteus minimus that was injured, she could feel a swollen area, and it made sense given the way I've been feeling through my butt and around my hip. Sitting for long periods of time is uncomfortable, I start to feel a little numbness down the back of my leg, which gets better once I stand up and start walking.

I was relieved to hear that I have a gluteus minimus. All this time I would said I have a gluteus maximus, that is expanding with age. I'm all for being minimalistic when it comes to my glutes.

Today I went out for lunch with my friend Pam, whom I haven't seen in quite a while. We always do sushi when we get together, we both love it. This time we went to a place in Loveland that I haven't been to. It was good. And even better to see Pam and catch up on things. While we were eating, it was a little warm in the restaurant, with bright sun coming in, but I started having a hot flash. The sushi wasn't even that spicy, but suddenly I was sweating.

I'll try to be consistent this week with the running and cycling as long as my back, butt, and legs can handle it. A nap or two wouldn't hurt either.

Dawn of the Dead

I survived the work week from hell, and I could not wait to get moving again, as in, running and moving forward on my feet, outside, in the fresh air, outside of the confines of our cramped, windowless little work dungeon.

When I got off work Sunday night my feet hurt, and my legs ached. It's one thing to keep moving, but all this new charting stuff has me standing there. There aren't a lot of opportunities to actually sit down. It's hard to stand in one place for so long, even if I try to shift my weight and move around, it kills my legs. I should have worn compression socks to work this week, I didn't even think of that.

Around 2 or 3 am I woke up with pain in both calves. It felt like my veins were going to explode. I wondered if I was getting varicose veins from my job. I went back to sleep.

This morning Dennis's alarm woke me up at 6, and I wasn't ready to wake up. I wasn't quite sure if I was alive, or just dreaming. I tried to go back to sleep but that wasn't working, so I got up, had coffee, and dragged my butt out the door with Iris.

Iris was more interested in a wild leash dance than a walk, so we went a few blocks and then she decided to turn around and head for home. It was already getting warm. I did some core work and a few pushups.

The woman cave looked inviting this morning but I had too many things I needed to do. Workouts were my top priority, despite my exhaustion.

I drank a protein shake and then went out with a frozen bottle of water. The plan was to get 10 miles for the day. It was already heating up and humid by Colorado standards, and I was suffering, mostly because my legs were so dead from standing on them for so many hours this weekend. During the run I had to stop a few times just to give my legs a break. They were toast.

After 7 miles I was done, I felt like I was barely moving. I figured I could get a few more miles in the evening if I had the energy. I went home, did a few errands, and then I was meeting Troy for a bike ride at 1 pm. While I was waiting to go I fell asleep on the couch.

The 20 minute nap refreshed me somewhat. When he showed up we rode out to Cottonwood Glen park and then up north by the cement plant and lake north of town, then back to my house, a little more than 31 miles. It was 90 degrees when we finished. All my water bottles thawed and got hot.

I went over to Sprouts to buy food for dinner and Dennis texted me to say he was on his way home and wanted to run. Perfect opportunity to get my miles in. I was hot, sweaty and more tired than I was in the morning, but I made myself go. We did 3 miles, I whined the whole way, but when we finished I had over 10 for the day. Not a peep out of the hamstring.

Now I feel much better, and I should be able to sleep too. I can't wait to feel human again. I wonder how many days that will take?

Sandwich Day: Partying with the Girls

I have two more days of epic hell this weekend before I go back to my normal schedule. So I'm enjoying my one day off with my girls.

I went for a run this morning, first I took Iris out, because Isabelle didn't want to go. We've figured out that she's not a morning person, she likes to go in the evening. Then I went out and got 10.6 miles in. No problem with the hamstring, again, slow, but not too slow. My legs felt pretty good. I slept well last night, got to bed early too.

I survived my first three days of work with the new charting system. It's extremely frustrating because there are so many kinks to be worked out, and what I want to do is get my patients in and out in a reasonable amount of time, and it just doesn't work that way. The charting part itself is easy. It's not a bad setup, it's just that between working with the lab and the blood bank and the pharmacy, everyone is trying to figure out how the new system works together with other departments, and it's been a big pain in the butt.

There's so much new information that it's easy to get overwhelmed and lost in what you're doing. There are twice as many people around because of all the helpers. Everyone is talking and asking questions and you're trying to get your work done and pay attention to your basic task you're doing at the moment, and there are so many interruptions, it's a nurse's worst nightmare. Fortunately we've had enough staff lately that we don't get overloaded with patients too, on top of everything else.

Whenever they decide to do things like this, it seems like they never consider what it actually does to the patient to caregiver interaction, where the most important work in health care is done. At least I think it's the most important work in health care. But we all know what the bottom line really is and who it benefits.

I know eventually we'll get to be as efficient with this system as we were with the old one, but until that happens, we're all going to be frustrated. And I feel bad for the patients because they are the ones who are being inconvenienced. Sometimes technology just sucks and that's all there is to it.

So other than my run, I'm not doing much except laundry, dishes, cooking, and other mindless stuff around the house. I'm close to brain dead and I need to save what's left of my brain to get through the next two days.

Isabelle, in addition to not being a morning person, doesn't enjoy cuddling and getting close as much as Iris does. Sometimes I can't help myself and I need to get some Bella kisses. But then I need to leave her alone. She likes to hang out, but at a distance.

What happens when you have enough raspberries from the garden to eat, but not enough to really do anything with them?

You turn an ordinary margarita into a raspberry margarita.

Then you share it with the girls.

At the woman cave, it's Friday Afternoon Club again.

Iris finishing up her margarita.

Our garden is doing well. We finally got some good rain yesterday, and the spaghetti squash I planted is turning out some monsters. They seem to be doubling in size every day. I'm sure I'll be coming up with some creative spaghetti squash recipes this fall.

Okay, just two more 12 hour days of this. Deep breath. I can do it. Psyching myself up. But I'd much rather spend those 24 hours running around in circles, anywhere, in any conditions, as long as it's outdoors in running gear instead of in our cramped little windowless dungeon in scrubs.

I'm With Stupid...

I deserve the Darwin award today. It's day 5 of this crazy attempt I made to drastically limit what I ate and I officially feel like crap.

I knew this would be difficult, and the hardest part is my energy levels. Not just for running but everything. I've been a walking disaster for the past 3 days. So today officially I'm ending it and going back to less restrictive eating.

I thought the hardest part would be missing certain foods but I had no cravings whatsoever. I didn't miss anything, except margaritas and beer, but I'm planning to continue to avoid both, because they aren't the culprit here.

So I tried the Joe Fejes approach and it didn't work. Maybe it's not a good time in my life either, given all the stress I've been experiencing with my work schedule and my increasing feeling of hopelessness about a viable future in my current so-called career. It doesn't help that I'm working nearly twice as much as I normally do, that saps my energy more than anything, and this was a really dumb time to attempt this.

The Fourth of July was a disaster. I planned to run the 5K and then help out with the kids' race afterwards, and then do more miles later in the day. I slept 13 1/2 hours on Wednesday, so I thought I'd be recovered. But I went to bed at 10 pm on the 3rd and planned to wake up at 6:30 and go to the 5K.

I woke up at 1:30 am feeling like crap. I was having a bizzarro dream too, about a doctor throttling me and yelling at me because I left part of a patient's orders undone. I dreamed that all my coworkers and all the other doctors I work with were all there while he was doing this. The doctor yelled at me, "You see how this feels? This is how the patient feels when you don't follow my orders!"

I said, "Take your hand off my throat now." So he did, and moved it to the side of my neck and continued trying to strangle me. I yelled, "I'm reporting you to the Board..." and everyone gasped out loud, and they all left the room. Then I went into a big auditorium where all of my colleagues were watching a video and when I walked in the room everyone ignored me.

After that vivid dream I felt sick to my stomach, and hung out in the bathroom for a while thinking I would puke but nothing happened. I felt nauseated until about 3:30 am, and I finally decided there was no way I was going to the race, I would need sleep more than anything.

Eventually my stomach settled down and I went back to bed. I slept until 10 am, and it was hot outside and I felt completely drained and unmotivated to run. I ended up doing not much of anything all day and even needed a nap. I slept for a while in the afternoon in the basement, I crashed on the floor after giving Iris a haircut. The butt cut.

When I woke up I felt a little better and talked Dennis into going to the store with me so we could get the ingredients to bake pupcakes for Isabelle's birthday, which is today. We decided to celebrate her birthday last night, before the fireworks got loud and she got scared. The pupcakes were a success, and the girls were happy. Our neighbor Stan came over and wished Isabelle a happy birthday and brought us a Thai basil plant that he had started from seed. I'm going to plant it in the herb garden.

I slept well last night and woke up at my normal time this morning. It rained overnight. Then I took iris out for a quick run but she didn't want to go very far. I brought her home and went out to run, and I was dragging ass. About 13 minutes into my run when I had stopped twice to pee and hadn't even covered a mile, I started walking. I thought through what I was doing and it made sense that this was a really dumb idea to try to do this combined with running and working this crazy schedule.

So, give me the Darwin Award, and don't worry, I didn't contribute to the gene pool, my girls were adopted. They are much smarter than me anyway. They eat pupcakes with cream cheese frosting.

I will try eating a little more food today and see if my energy is better tomorrow. I hate to write another whole week of shitty training, but it looks like this month will be no better than June, given that I have another work week from hell coming up the middle of July, which will take me days to recover from. So frustrating. It's my own fault though.

I did attempt a half-assed weight workout- my triceps, biceps, and lats are sore now. And I did my abdominal workout, and I feel it! That's something, I guess. And my legs, they're still sore from the Rock Repeats on Sunday! I am a disaster!

What I really need is a week vacation in Death Valley. DAMMIT!

Work Hangover Wednesday: The Mother of All Work Hangovers

I barely survived my last day of my long work streak, wrapped it up with a 13 hour day and stumbled home, within an hour I ate a little food, took a shower and was in bed by 9 pm.

I slept until 9 am. By 11 am I was ready for a nap, but I had a lunch meeting, and when I got home my brain was totally fried, I did some grocery shopping, laundry, and dishes at home until my eyes were closed enough to take a nap.

I slept another hour and a half, then went for a 2 mile run. That was all I could deal with. My legs are still sore from Horsetooth rock, I was so groggy I could barely move, and in the morning I am running a 5K! That will be interesting.

I'm running the Firecracker 5K, at City Park. It sounded like a good idea when I signed up. But this is easily a two day work hangover, so we'll see...

Someone is setting off fireworks in the neighborhood and Isabelle is scared. I hate that. I don't understand the appeal of making noise, especially when it terrifies animals. If they could see our little trembling Bella, would it even make a difference? Probably not.

Isabelle's 12th birthday is on the 5th and we're going to have a party for her. Poor thing always has her birthday on the day after she's been scared and freaked out all night.

I'm doing pretty well with the food thing, I'm sure I'll get sick of salads after a while. I'm hungry a lot, but haven't been ravenous yet. I just need to run more than 2 miles, now that I have a few days off.

If you don't like the weather in Colorado...

Wait a minute.

It's been hot in the afternoons! Today it was about 94 degrees when I got home from work around 3 pm.

Then suddenly around 7:30 pm, the sky got dark, the wind started blowing, it looked like a tornado or a haboob was coming our way, and within minutes, the streets of Fort Collins were flooded and the temperature was 30 degrees cooler. We didn't get hit with hail but people on the east side of town did.

You could almost go surfing down south College Avenue. It was nice to get watered by the sky for a change. I hope this rain becomes a regular pattern in our weather again, the way it used to be in Colorado, when you could always count on a good downpour in the afternoons.

I think of all the poor souls lining up at the start of Western States tomorrow. I hope they either spent a lot of time in the sauna, or are from Phoenix. If this keeps up Badwater should be gnarly this year, too. Dammit. I wish I could be out there.

I took a nap this afternoon to get a chunk out of my work hangover and I'm hoping I can sleep a lot this weekend. I'll get a few miles in, some intensity but not a lot of miles. This week is pretty much written off as far as accumulating any mileage, I've been too tired and busy. I'll shoot for some Tabata, and hill-fartlek runs. Didn't make it to the track again this week, either.

I'm watching Longs Peak and every day it looks more and more bare. It seems like just last week it had a ton of snow on it. I need to get up there soon, but it will be tourist city this week in Estes Park with the holiday, so forget that. Maybe the following week I can get up there super early one day and do a long, relaxed trail run and beat the crap out of my quads. That's what my quads need, is a good wake up call.

And next week is July. I have got to get my lazy flab in gear and start lifting again. I have a big blob around my midsection that needs to go. It feels pathetic. What has happened to my body? I feel like the Pillsbury dough boy, gluten-free version.