Sunset Flight

The past few days have been uncomfortably hot around here and it's been sapping my energy, but I've managed to get some decent bike rides in and some good walking. I'm starting a regular cross-training program as of Monday and I'll be feeling much better soon. I've been watching the birds and squirrels, they have been more active and they know the days are getting shorter.

Yesterday I met with a local coach, Wendy, to get her opinion on what's been off with my training. When you coach yourself, you can get tunnel vision and miss certain things that are obvious to someone from the outside. I've been at the bottom of a pit.

I already knew subconsciously, or even consciously, that I've been neglecting, hills, strength, and core work. All I've been doing for a long time is running roads and flats, few hills, with very minimal work on my abs and core, no weights, which amounts to almost no overall strength training. My performances plateaued, I can run forever, I have great aerobic capacity, but I am vulnerable to injury as a result of the staleness and lack of variety in my training. Wendy pointed that out to me in 5 minutes, and I've been marginally aware of the need to do all this but had little motivation.

Also, the lack of strength training has most likely reduced my muscle mass, which also reduces my metabolic rate, leading to fat gain. I need to shake things up. I've just had zero motivation, it seems like mental exhaustion and physical fatigue have been taking over. And I know why...the thing I've been bitching about for so long, I'm burned out and frustrated with my job and it's sucking the life out of me. Feeling physically, mentally, and spiritually depleted is not good. Extreme depletion precedes defeat. I will not allow this to get me to the point where I feel defeated.

Change is coming, and soon. The feeling of relief washes over me like waves in the ocean. I feel like I'm floating in the water, or lifting off the ground.

The Sky's The Limit

Twenty miles easy this week, somewhat sore at the beginning.

I did 10 miles Thursday, 4 in the morning and 6 in the evening with Wheaties Boy, pushing it a little. I could feel the soreness again after that. Friday I did a slow, easy 5, and another easy 5 Sunday with Jen.

Next week I'll bump it to 40 and see how that goes. There are some races next weekend, I might jump into a 5K again, we'll see how it's going.

The leaves on the maples, oaks and cottonwoods are just about coming out, I'm sure by the end of this week the winterscape will be gone and we'll be green everywhere.

I worked all day Saturday and it was a long day, nonstop busy, loud and crazy all the way through.

When I took my lunch break I forgot my phone and couldn't check on the progress of the USA team at Worlds- the 24 Hour championships- but I was sitting outside and heard a voice calling down to me. I looked up and it was one of my old ICU co-workers. I got up and ran up the stairs to see him.

We walked over to the therapeutic garden that is being built between the parking lots. Most of the plants haven't leafed out yet, so it's not exactly what I'd call therapeutic, maybe once the leaves come out it will block more of the traffic noises. We walked around for a few minutes and talked and listened to each other. He expressed the same feelings I've been having. I keep hearing the same theme. Grief.

I finished out my day at 7:30 pm. By 5 pm my head was pounding from the noise. I rarely go home hearing alarms and equipment noise since I stopped working in ICU, but Saturday I could still hear the IV pumps chirping after I got home.

I checked on the U.S. team. They were doing well, and it looked like their pack placing in the fixed-time event would yield some good results.

I was so tired, though, that I couldn't look at the numbers too long or think about any details. I'd have to wake up in the morning and check on how they did. My mind went back to the events of the day.

People need to be listened to, they need to know they aren't alone, because alone you think you're going crazy, but when you put people together, they echo, and their echoes provide support for each other. Change is hard for people, especially when it involves loss, it needs to be acknowledged as a process in the people who are suffering the loss. They will go through some anger in the process.

When there is a lot of anger, it means that the grieving process is not being acknowledged in a healthy way. Going on the defensive and telling people who are grieving to shut up is not productive or humane.

I woke up this morning and was thrilled to see that both the men's and women's USA teams had taken gold at the World 24 Hour Championships! An American record of 152 miles by Sabrina Little, 2nd and 3rd place women were from the U.S, and 1st, 2nd, and 10th place men were from the US. Joe Fejes was 10th, so happy to see him up there. Great job to everyone, lots of strong performances!

I'm generally thought of as a quiet person. When something is important to me, like running, and seeing the joy and satisfaction of a hard-earned running performance, I can be loud and I can be vocal. I love running. There are other things I care about too. Like being true to myself and my own values. When it's something I care about, I will not be silenced. I am a creative person and I will find a way to express myself.

And for every person who wants me to shut up, there are hundreds who want me to scream louder.

Unchain Me!

What a nice day. It's been a great week.

This morning Dennis and I ran the Run for Hope 5K, it was a great chance to enjoy a relaxed run and socialize. It's a benefit for the PVHS Foundation and carcinoid cancer awareness. Dennis ran too, and he won his age group, brought home some hardware. Not bad for an old man, my old man.

It was a cool morning, humid but the temperature was perfect for the run. I got a few extra miles in with the Buffaloes before and then afterward.

After two weeks of not doing much, I finally got a fifty mile run in this week on the bike path, and only my closest and most trusted friends know the special name I gave that run. It was my cleansing ritual, my detox run.

After the race this morning we went out to breakfast. On our way out of City Park we noticed there was an Australian Shepherd show at the park, so we decided to go home after breakfast and get the girls and bring them to the park to see their "cousins". There were some adorable puppies, and we talked to some of the breeders and people showing their dogs there. The girls got excited to see the other Aussies, they act differently with their own breed than they do with other dogs. They know.

After we got home we both were tired and Dennis fell asleep on the futon. I went upstairs and took a 2 1/2 hour nap on the bed. I needed that. I have not been sleeping long enough, I always wake up early in the morning. We stayed up the night before the 5K and watched a movie, and then I woke up at 4:45 am, my usual wake up time.

Even without the nap, after my 50 mile run, Dennis remarked on how happy and relaxed I looked. I have heard that so many times this week. It's amazing how good it feels to have an unhappy weight lifted off your shoulders. It's going to be a bit longer process than a week to be completely unchained. I've paid quite a price in terms of my health and overall well-being.

Speaking of weight, I topped out at 130 pounds when I got back from Badwater. I have never weighed that much in my life. I have gained 18 pounds since 2007. It's stress, eating junk at work, eating too much at home, mindlessly, not paying attention to what I'm doing. It's the unhappiness that took such a toll on me. Now I feel like I'm carrying a lead brick when I take every running step.

So now the work begins, to shed the layers that I've been wearing for quite some time now, making some other gradual changes that will help me feel like myself again and will also contribute to getting my body and my whole, intact self back. Life is too short to stay in an unhealthy situation. After my 50 mile run, having all the poison out of my pores, I took a torch to a symbol of it to finalize things. It's behind me. Time to move forward.

A Breath of Fresh Air!

This weekend was a celebration of many things. July 5th is Isabelle's birthday, it was Fourth of July and our first Fourth of July in Como since we got the cabin 6 years ago. We didn't know it before, but now we do, that we can watch the fireworks display close-up from our futon in the cabin, through the screen door. How cool is that?

But equally it was a celebration of my new job! I am leaving ICU within the next month to work in the oncology department, in outpatient infusion. It's something I've been wanting to do for quite some time and it couldn't have happened at a better time. I found out just before leaving the house to drive up to Como for the weekend.

Sometimes waiting for change is almost as stressful as the thing you're wanting to change.

While we were in Florida a job was posted in the oncology outpatient infusion clinic for relief hours only. Those are minimal hours and I would keep my ICU job until I could get the same number of hours as I have in ICU. With the relief job, I applied, got an interview, and then heard I got it, except that there might be some real jobs like what I wanted(not relief, but guaranteed hours), soon, and if I was interested I should apply.

And it was supposed to happen soon. How soon, I didn't know. So I went into the checking the job postings 6 times a day mode, checking my email, checking for voice messages, and generally being on hyper-alert and realizing just how ready I am for this change.

After 3 weeks of touch and go, knowing I have a job in the department I want but not the job I want, but the job I want will be available, maybe soon, and then waiting for the job to materialize on the job postings, so I can apply for it, then applying, and waiting to find out if I got it, and waiting...and waiting...and waiting...

All of which went really fast in retrospect but while I was waiting it seemed like

F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Dennis told me there is a reason I'm having to wait, that it will be a good thing.

When I didn't hear by Friday of this week, I decided I needed to just leave town for the weekend according to my original plan, to run the Leadville marathon, hang out at the cabin, and not stress about it. I packed up the car, got the Buffaloes in the back seat, and was on my last trip back into the house before locking up and leaving, when I saw the message light on the phone. I thought it might be Dennis since we just got off the phone making plans for when he followed us up to the cabin later after work.

I checked the message and it was the manager of the oncology department asking me to call her.

I did.

It was the job offer!!!

I asked if there was anything I needed to do right away, but since we were going into a holiday weekend, we decided we would work on it next week and enjoy the holiday.

So I stuck to my plans, but there was an extra reason to celebrate!

Dennis arrived at the cabin in the middle of the night. I woke up at 4:45 am and had to drive to Leadville, over an hour away.

I arrived at the Sixth Street Gym by 7 am and picked up my race packet, ate my sandwich, drank a lot of water and gatorade, and packed my pack full of warm clothes. I talked with some people I hadn't seen in ages, since I rarely come up to Leadville anymore.

Finally it was time for the start. I was blown away when I saw that they were using timing chips for the event. I can't believe this little race that started in 1992 when there were a few dozen of us, now has hundreds of runners and chip timing!

I was in tourist mode. I had my butt pack that was bigger than my butt loaded with warm clothes, food, camera, batteries, and drinks. I might as well have brought my AAA card, a credit card and a toothbrush.

I took my time, I planned to get a lot of walking in and didn't care to push it. I got plenty of miles in the past two weeks and all I needed was the vertical. I was in pedestrian mode and I had told Dennis it might be 5:00 before I got back to the cabin, because the marathon might take me 7 hours or longer.

And it did. I socialized at the aid stations, talked to old friends, more people from Leadville I haven't seen in years, people from ultras I haven't seen in months. I ran most of the first half with Dale Perry, he will be at Badwater next week crewing for Paul Grimm. Dale got to the top just ahead of me and then he pushed a little faster than I did going back, so we didn't see each other again until the finish.



On the way back I caught up to the crazy dude with Ultimate Butt, the term we use for those old Ultimate Direction packs that ride up with your shorts, exposing your cheeks to everyone running behind you. I tried to avoid him, he was chattering about who knows what. I didn't want to get stuck with Mr. U.B. because he never would have shut up and he probably could keep up with me if I tried to run ahead. So I kept him in sight, but not close enough to see the details, and with enough cushion so he couldn't recognize me if he turned around.

And there was this woman who was behind me on the way up the pass and just ahead of me on the way down. I was trying to avoid her because of her annoying voice. One of those nails on chalkboard voices. She had to be all perky and cheer for every single person on their way down the pass as we were climbing up. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Driving me crazy.

About a mile from the top I wanted to turn around and yell back at her, if you would use your breath to climb the @#$%&*! pass, you'd be done in half the time! But I didn't. I got ahead of her enough so I couldn't hear her anymore, and I talked with Pat at the aid station on top of the pass for a long time even though I was freezing, and took pictures and gave Miss Perky Squeaky Voice plenty of time to get far ahead of me. Unfortunately I caught up to her soon after the aid station at the bottom.

I think I just needed to be alone and look at the scenery. I think I was emotionally fried. My work week was pretty miserable last week, and I was so excited and hopeful about the new job that it was stressful waiting. There's always the fear that you didn't get the job. What if.

As I found things getting on my nerves I stuck close to the back of the pack and strategically passed people only if I knew I could go past them fast enough to avoid getting in a conversation.

I could feel my toes jamming into the front of my shoes on the way down. The Leadville marathon is almost all straight up or straight down, there are only a few miles where the road is fairly level, in the middle section by the mines. I was wondering how many toenails I might lose after this one, now that I have ten again, they won't last long.

I always forget just how hard this marathon is. It takes way longer than it needs to, to do 26 miles. I could get the same vertical in my back yard on Horsetooth Rock, in a lot less time, just not the altitude. I'm to the point with Leadville where I think I'm over it. I spent so much time up there in the past. I still think it's beautiful up there but I feel like I could find new places to explore.

It's really a suffer fest at this point, since I don't train for cold and I don't train for high altitude anymore. Actually though since I was going so slow I felt surprisingly good even on top of Mosquito Pass. I had no problems with my stomach or my appetite. Usually I'm queasy above 12,000 feet. This time I was just lightheaded, probably would have sounded like a Gooney Bird except I wasn't being very sociable.

I did tell one older runner I was close to the whole race, that as you get older you forget how painful it was the year before. That's why we come back. This time it took me 3 years to forget. If I go back to run it again in less time than that, I'm in trouble.

I got back to the Sixth Street Gym seven hours and thirty three minutes, long, torturous, lost in thought, but scenic hours and minutes after the start. I thanked Ken and Merilee, said goodbye to Dale and Ron, and took off for Como before Dennis started worrying.

I stopped at the KOA in Buena Vista and got a shower for $8.00 from a pipe sticking out of the wall, but at least it was warm water. I forgot how everyone up there in those campgrounds, both the visitors and the workers, all sound like they're from Texas or Arkansas. It's been a long time since my days of doing forestry work in the summers, living in the back of my truck, and coming into town once a week for a shower.





On Sunday we took the girls for a hike on the ditch trail and then went back to the cabin. The town of Como swelled to several hundred people, there was a parade with a float, and live music, booths, nasty greasy-looking food wagons, and lots of large people walking around aimlessly, holding nasty greasy-looking things, dressed in red, white, and blue.

For a town of 20 permanent residents and maybe 100 in the summer, it was a big crowd. We waited all day for the fireworks, as the sun went down it got cold and windy. For while we thought it would either rain us out or it would be too windy to have fireworks, but there was a steady stream of headlights driving into town, hundreds of cars were arriving.



The fireworks started and Isabelle got scared. Poor thing, she was trembling. We had to talk to her and comfort her the whole time. Iris didn't seem to be bothered at all. We poured some beer in Isabelle's bowl hoping she might drink it and it would calm her down, but she was too scared. Iris drank it instead and then feel asleep, snoring on the futon.

Finally it was over. We watched the stream of red tailights proceeding out of town and along Highway 285. Monday morning when we woke up, town was dead quiet again. You would never know that a thousand people and their cars were there just a few hours ago.

It was cold and windy in the morning too. We left to drive back to Fort Collins late in the morning. As soon as I got home I wrote my letter of resignation, and I'm on my way to a big, welcome, healthy, much-needed change within the next few weeks.

A BIG breath of fresh air!

Summer

We thought it would never arrive but it's here.



The cotton is flying, I'm sneezing, and the grass needs mowing. The rock garden we started last fall is full of wildflowers and I'm waiting for all of them to bloom before I decide which ones I want to weed out.





The Buffaloes love summer. So many things to sniff, lick, and smile about.

















I have things to smile about too. Change is on the horizon. I can't say much because I don't know the details yet, but I'm very excited that some big exciting things are happening. I'm so happy, dancing in circles, smiling so wide I can barely keep the duct tape on my face.

Sometimes change is slower than we want but there's a good reason. I'm trying to be patient this week.

I went for a 30 mile run with Cat this morning. We ran down into Loveland, past downtown, and turned around. We got covered with bugs on the bike path section at Boyd Lake, but it was a nice morning and we felt good. We stuck maple seeds on our noses and caught up about her trip to Spain.

Last week I had a great running week. I did some rock repeats, got sore from that, since I haven't been doing much on hills because the Keys 100 was such a flat run. Now I have to gear up for the hills at Lean Horse and it means tougher runs. I did some pickups to get my leg turnover going again. So far this week has been good too.

I've been in the sauna, which has been repaired, now it's extra hot. When I first came back from the Keys it was not even warm in there. When it's extra hot I don't have to spend so much time in it and other people spend even less time there so I get more time to myself. I am headed to Death Valley in less than three weeks for Badwater as a medical volunteer again, and I hear it's been warm...119 degrees is what I've seen so far. I'm stopping in Phoenix for a couple of days before that to visit my dad and stepmom.

I spoke several times in the past few weeks about my running and raising funds and awareness of the need for cancer-related services in the community. We got a good turnout at the hospital where I work.

I need a new MP3 player. I don't like the design of ipods. I prefer my old AAA battery powered MP3 player, it's durable and easy to use. I have a 2 GB Creative Zen Nano from several years ago and it's worked well, but it's full to capacity and when my old laptop died, the software was not compatible with our newer laptop.

I found one that I like except the battery is rechargable. It's supposed to last 32 hours. The problem with that is I run longer than that and I don't always have access to electricity.

Solution: Get two of them, they're inexpensive and I can double up my tunes. It's 16 GB so I won't run out of space. I have almost my whole music collection on my current MP3.

The other problem is finding a way to clip the new MP3 on my clothing. My old Zen Nano has the perfect clip but the new one is a different size and doesn't come with a clip. Also, I am concerned about waterproofing and heat exposure with the new MP3. What if the battery doesn't work in 130 plus degree temperatures? My old MP3 worked fine in Death Valley. But will the new one work?

As I'm talking to the runners at Badwater this year I'll have to see what everyone is doing for their music. Then I'll invest in something that will carry me through Across the Years and, I'm hoping, next year's run at Badwater again!

Runs with Earthworms

The past two days have consisted of running mostly in downpours, looking like a drowned rat minus the tail. Yesterday morning I took the Buffaloes for their 5 mile loop before the rain moved in. By the time I went out to meet the Wednesday night group at the Roost, the sky was looking dark gray.

We took off on our 6 mile group run and about halfway through we started feeling the drops. By the time we were a mile out from the Roost on the way back, big bolts of lightning were striking somewhere south of Ft. Collins and the rain was getting serious. I was in fast mode and I made it back to the Roost about a minute before the downpour hit. By the time the rest of the group showed up a few minutes later they were drowned rats.

I stuck around to wish Cat and Felix good luck on their run in Kansas this weekend, wishing them no tornadoes. They are running a 100K race on trails, Cat's longest distance yet. I wish I could go, but with three weeks to the Keys I will stay home and run 50K in between downpours.

Today I went out in what started as a light rain, but by two miles into it the water was pouring down my back and I might as well have been running in the shower. I decided to make it just seven miles and go home, hit the sauna, and see if things got better later.

On my way in to the gym, I ran into Rick who is on his way to California tomorrow to run the Big Sur marathon. Good luck, Rick, and enjoy it. That is one race on my to do list.

There was a big blue hole in the sky as I left the gym and I went home and took the Buffaloes for their run before it got cloudy and cool again.

This week I have been tired in general, but feeling good on my runs. Just this past week it finally kicked in, both mentally and physically, that I have made progress in my fitness over the winter. I feel much stronger and can hold a decent pace for a long time, even at the end of a tough run. I still have no speed whatsoever but I can work on that over the summer.

Summer will be here soon. I want to run the Lean Horse 100 in August but I don't want to feel like I'm training for a race all summer. I think I can get away with just a couple of long runs this summer and the rest of my time just doing 10 to 20 mile runs, which don't take up my entire day. I want to put some energy into painting this summer again, I have missed it. I look forward to going out to Death Valley in July again. And Dennis and I will get up to the cabin with the Buffaloes as often as we can.

In other areas of my life, I'm looking forward to change, which sometimes comes slowly, but it will happen when the time is right. I'm tapping my feet at times, but trying to be patient, anticipating good things, and expanding my horizons. It has to rain really hard sometimes before you get flowers. One of these days it will look more like this:


The horizon is a good thing to focus on. Keep looking forward, keep the chin up, focus beyond the shortcomings of the present, and be grateful for all the nice people who are in my life now. And the Buffaloes, always the Buffaloes.

Plateau

I went to Arizona last week and got back Tuesday. Things are okay, dad is doing well, he has a lot of information and lifestyle modifications to consider, but otherwise doing quite well. There isn't much new information, and there isn't much exciting happening here.

It was weird to be in Arizona again. I enjoyed the heat, but I ran on the Arizona canal every day and it's the same flat gravel hard surface, the view only changes if you change directions from west to east. I can't say I miss it. The weather gets nicer in the winter, but quality of life is so much better here.

I feel like I'm on a plateau now. Things have leveled out, there's a certain amount of "stuff" I'm dealing with, trying to get a balance back in my life somehow, dealing with the fatigue that hasn't left me. I can't say I'm depressed because I certainly don't feel despair, and I don't feel a lack of enthusiasm. I just don't have much energy and running feels very slow and stagnant.

I saw two runners today on the bike path, both moving along at a good pace, looking light on their feet, and I felt like a pile of clay, peeling my legs one at a time over and over off the concrete path. I wish I could feel lightweight like that again. I'm only doing 25 miles this week, down from 30 and 40 the previous two weeks. I want to run, but I don't have the energy. I feel like I'm carrying a huge weight but it's not a physical weight. It's that feeling of needing to let out a big sigh, that empty, weighted down feeling in your gut when things aren't right.

Plateaus are something that athletes experience in their training, they get stagnant from doing the same workout routine over and over again. They make their gains, and then they reach a point where progress is so slow it's imperceptible. That's when they need to change things.

I am actively searching for a change. It will lead me down off the plateau or up another mountain, I'm not sure which, but these days I need to take it one day at a time and keep my eyes and ears open. Eventually I'll come to the end of the plateau and I'll see something that looks more like this: