Peeing Dangerously

LOOOOOONG drive today, but here I am in Edmond, Oklahoma, drinking a beer and relaxing after 12 hours on the road, as exhausting as a 12 hour shift at work.

I got here around sunset tonight. It was a longer drive than it needed to be, because most of the first 4 hours were on icy roads. When I left Fort Collins there was just a dusting of snow on the grass but the roads were clear, just wet. As I drove toward Denver there were a few icy spots around Longmont but nothing bad, until I got on 470 going east. I have never driven past the airport on 470 before, and the storm blew in from a direction facing into the road signs, as a result all the signs, mileposts, and other obvious markers were obliterated by snow.

So when I got to the place where I needed to merge onto I-70, I had no idea where I was going. I followed a frontage road past some trailer parks for a few miles before I figured out how to get onto the freeway. I was out in the middle of nowhere, looking for a way to cross over to I-70.

Finally I got on the interstate and the further east I drove, the worse the roads and visibility got. The bridges were scary, they were icy as hell, and the snow plows hadn't been out yet. Every so often some idiot would go blasting by in the fast lane and kicking up ice balls, so I got a ton of stars and little pits in my new windshield, DAMMIT. Actually the windshield is almost a year old, but still...that's so annoying. Every freaking year I need a new windshield.

I was going to visit my friend Lori in Hays Kansas which was about halfway to Oklahoma City. She texted me, telling me that the roads were dry after Burlington. I was still trying to make it through Limon and I was gripping the steering wheel in a few spots...

The other thing was that I drank a lot of water and had to pee, but there were no rest areas and visibility sucked. I was hoping to be able to make it to one of the gas stations but there was nothing, and no exits, so I finally found an exit and decided to use it...it went up on an overpass. I pulled over to the right just past the stop sign at the top of the overpass, figuring I'd just get out and squat next to the car. I'm not shy about these things.

But I stepped out of the car door onto the asphalt, and my foot instantly slipped out from under me. Fortunately I was still mostly in the car. It was a solid sheet of ice under me! I looked around, thinking, what if the car starts to slide on the ice?

I had to go, so I carefully stepped out and gripped the door handle on the rear driver's side door. I dropped my pants and hung on, and squatted to pee. If I'd tried to pee a smiley face it would have had chattering teeth, it was so cold and windy! My white butt was hanging out over the exit ramp, cheeks flapping in the wind, with cars and trucks flying by below me on I-70.

I managed to melt a hole in the ice below me, but I had to be very careful getting back in the car. Fortunately I got in without crashing on the ice and had no problem getting back onto the freeway.

Around Burlington it did get sunny but the roads were still icy. I stopped off again to get gas and at a McDonald's to pee, and as I was walking in the side door of the McDonald's there was an employee standing outside the door, talking on the cell phone, in her McDonald's uniform. She was smoking a cigarette and had almost no teeth.

I could hear her complaining to the person on the phone, saying she was pissed off about someone she knew who was voting for Obama. I found that amusing.

If I were you, lady, I'd be voting for the candidate who would be more likely to give me some teeth...and maybe a better job than McDonald's...

Kansas was not icy but sunny with relentless wind. I thought it was pretty, the fall colors helped a lot...it was a lot better than that drive across Nebraska last spring.

There are so many billboards for Jesus in Kansas that you'd think he was running for President. It's not the Bible Belt, is it?

And every other sign was something to do with abortion, too. Support personhood, every life is precious, abortion stops a beating heart, every slogan imaginable...they must have a lot of abortions in Kansas. They must be free, because there's so much publicity, everybody wants one. I bet they even give out coupons...two for one specials...Groupon deals...Somebody should look into that...

Yes I'm being a snarky sarcastic asshole. But I'm really sick up to my eyeballs of all the political and pious bullshit and I can't wait for this damn election to be over with!!!

I stopped in Hays and visited with Lori for an hour. She is surviving nursing school there, there is so much crap they make you do to jump through the hoops, and her teachers haven't worked in the field in 20 years. It's temporary.

Nursing school is torture, I believe, that prepares you for the torture and bullshit that's ahead in your first couple of years of nursing. But Lori seems happy and she and Kyle look forward to moving back to Colorado eventually.

I got into Oklahoma as the sun was starting to set. There was an amazing sunset over the city. I finally found the hotel and got something to eat, now I'm having a beer and about to go get some sleep.

Tomorrow I will try to have a low key day but I do want to go downtown and see the memorial. I just need to organize all my junk so I can set up early on race morning and be ready to go so I don't waste time getting my drinks and food from my table during the race.

Other than that, I'm set. I'll go check out the race course late in the day and go to the pre-race meal and pick up my packet. And then it's all business on Saturday morning.