What Athletes Should Know About Cancer Part 2

If you're coming here from Amy's blog, welcome! This is part two of the two part blogpost on athletes and cancer.

Know how to support someone who is diagnosed

For an athlete diagnosed with cancer, the decision to tell others is difficult. They are afraid enough for their life, not to mention losing their friends, their sport, and their social network around it.
When they tell, the lay experts come out of the woodwork like termites- suddenly everyone becomes an armchair oncology expert, especially when it comes to nutrition. Resist the urge.

Don’ts
1. Don’t tell them about alternative treatments that you’ve heard of, or that you read somewhere about a study that showed some type of special juice cured cancer. Their LIFE is at stake here. If we knew the juice cured cancer, we’d all be drinking it.
2. Don’t imply that they did something to cause their cancer. Don’t try to figure out why. You’ll come off as contemptful or judgmental, not to mention what this does to your friend with cancer who is already overwhelmed.
3. Don’t freak out, look up statistics on their type of cancer, or give them information off the Internet. Let their doctors practice medicine and do what they do best- treat cancer. It might be hard to put yourself in their shoes, but try. If you had cancer, wouldn’t you want to choose the treatment that had the most evidence for success and rely on experts who have been trained specifically in treating cancer?
4. Don’t make assumptions, no matter how well-meaning you are, that they can “beat” cancer, tell them they are a “fighter”. Some people don’t want to hear this. If they do, then great, give them the support they want. Ask them what they want.
5. If someone is being treated for cancer, don’t recommend supplements or antioxidants to them. The chemotherapy is intended to kill cells. That’s what you want to do in the case of cancer. You want oxidative stress and free radicals. Otherwise you’re counteracting the chemotherapy.
6. If they are getting chemo, don’t give them fresh fruits or vegetables, fresh flowers or plants, expose them to pets or sick kids, and avoid going to see them if you’re sick. Their immune system is going to be weak until after they recover from chemo. This is not the time to bring them kale and chia smoothies unless their cancer doctors say it’s okay.

Dos
1. Go here and click on the body parts to get some basic tips on supporting someone with cancer.
2. If you’re finding yourself so freaked out by your friend who has cancer, examine your own reasons for your freak out. Do you have some of your own issues that are unresolved? Maybe this is a chance for you to get some counseling for yourself so you can give better support to the person with cancer.
3. Remember, it’s not about you. THEY have cancer, not you. You have your health. Use the abundant energy that you were blessed with to help them. Do some footwork, offer to do laundry, errands, things they don’t have the energy for. Walk the dog, clean the yard, shovel snow. Use some of your own precious training time to do something for them. That shows you care.

If you are diagnosed- it doesn’t automatically mean the end of your athletic career.

1. First, you’re going to panic. That’s normal. But I’m going to tell you this, as hard as it is, as an athlete, you need to take your lifestyle into consideration when talking with your doctors.
2. Even though your first impulse might be: “Cut it out of me and get it over with!”, what you do and how you approach surgery and treatment decisions can make a big impact on your ability to recover and resume your sport, and your comfort in doing so. Take your time, it will be worth it in the long run.
3. Don’t be pressured into choosing any one method of treatment. Make sure you ask the doctor how it will impact participation in your sport, and at the level you hope to achieve. Get a second opinion if you’re not convinced it’s right for you. If you can find a doctor who is an athlete, that’s even better.
4. Cancer is very rarely an immediate life-threatening emergency. You should take the time to discuss any decisions with your oncologists, breast surgeons, urologist, plastic surgeons, radiation oncologist, or anyone else in your care. For example: certain reconstruction methods may be better for some athletes than others. If you use your upper body a lot in your sport, make sure your doctor understands how important your sport is to you.
5. The way they approach radiation treatment, which chemotherapy they use, the type of surgery, and any reconstruction can make an impact on your ability to return to and recover your ability to do your sport. Prostate cancer treatments can also impact your comfort in returning to running and other activities.
6. Depending on what type of cancer it is, you might need some combination of surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, or other treatments. It’s not easy, it’s not fun, and it takes time. Athletes are known for not giving up, for having endurance, and believing in themselves. You can use these mental skills in coping with cancer treatment and recovery, plus the determination to come back.
7. Athletes also start out in better health than most patients giving them an edge. They are also more likely to be able to continue some form of exercise during treatment, which helps them throughout the process and in recovering faster.

It’s not over when it’s over, so don’t forget support afterwards

1. After cancer treatment it can take a lot of time and effort to recover. While athletes have an advantage, there is still a lot of physical, emotional, and even social recovery for athletes with cancer.
2. After treatment they have to regain their strength and fitness. They might be anemic, have lost muscle mass, or range of motion. They can feel abandoned by their workout buddies. Remember them. Don’t let your own athletic goals get in the way of being a friend to them. Make time even if it’s not in a workout, or offer to do an easy workout with them.
3. Don’t expect them to jump right back into racing and training. It can take a while, but often, they can come back, and sometimes, stronger than ever.

Cancer Harbors is an online service that is designed for people after cancer treatment, as a guide to recovering. It has special material and support for athletes with cancer, to help them physically and psychologically recover their strength and confidence. Emotional and social support, with coaching and guidance. It is for anyone, including non-athletes, who need help in the anxiety-filled year after they leave their cancer doctors behind. It’s a thoughtful way to support a friend who is going through cancer treatment, to give them the edge in recovering and getting back to the sport they love. It’s also a great way to learn more about cancer in general. To find out how to give a gift of Cancer Harbors, visit here.

What Athletes Should Know About Cancer Part 1

Athletes are great examples to others. We take care of our health better than most, we get plenty of physical activity, don’t gain unhealthy amounts of weight, tend to balance our lives, and have more positive attitudes.

We go outdoors, have more energy, and avoid unhealthy habits like sitting in front of the TV eating garbage. We set goals and achieve them, see the country and the world, and know how to have a good time.

When I’m not running, I’m an oncology nurse and cancer recovery coach. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard from a patient diagnosed with cancer, “I don’t understand how I got cancer. I ate organic foods, had a perfect diet, exercised, never smoked, avoided toxins, managed my stress...why did this happen to me?”… all those dollars would do wonders for my race bucket list.

The truth is, based on our current state of scientific understanding, we cannot absolutely prevent most cancers. Certainly there is a ton of evidence that exercise and healthy living can prevent chronic disease and make you more likely to live a healthier life and be more independent into old age.

I’m not saying it’s futile, or you should give up, sit on the couch and eat trash out of bag until you roll onto the floor in a sugar coma. I do want you to understand that being an athlete will not absolutely protect you.

We don’t do a very good job of educating the public about a disease that is likely to strike somewhere between one-third and one-half of us during our lifetimes. There’s a lot of misinformation, and that can lead to completely over-the-top, irrational fear.

What cancer is

Cancer is a wide range of diseases with a common characteristic: something goes wrong in the way the cells regulate growth, and results in uncontrolled cell growth. It happens at the molecular level, in the cell’s genetic material.

Cancer is not one disease, so there is no such thing as a single cure for cancer.

There are hundreds of different varieties of cancer, they all behave differently. That’s why they are all treated differently. What one person gets for cancer treatment can be completely different than what another person gets for cancer, even if their cancers started in the same part of the body.

Many people still equate cancer with death, and our society is in extreme denial when it comes to facing our mortality. Athletes often trick themselves into thinking their sport will give them immunity. Sorry to break the news, but your running shoes won’t protect you.

But the good news is, athletes are gifted with qualities that will often help them get through treatment and recover in a lot better shape than non-athletes. Determination, endurance, positive attitude, willingness to tolerate discomfort, and overall physical fitness are key qualities in achieving good outcomes during and after cancer treatment.

Fear and Judgment

Anyone can develop cancer, and it doesn’t mean you did something wrong. From what we know now, evidence seems to show that other than hereditary risk (mutations passed down in your family), and certain exposures and behaviors we know that are associated with cancer (like asbestos, smoking), it’s unpredictable. The older you get, the more likely it is that you will have it, and you might not even know it. Sometimes you might not even have to do anything about it and it won’t kill you.

Cancer does kill people, but not nearly as often as it used to. Sometimes it’s bad luck- some people’s cancers are undetectable until a very late stage. Don’t assume it’s the person’s fault for not getting screened. It’s important not to judge.

No one is saying you shouldn’t fear something that is potentially life-threatening. But a little knowledge goes a long way- in terms of early detection, managing anxiety, and coping in case it does happen to you or someone you care about.

Cancer concepts and misconceptions

1. Prevention. People confuse screening and early detection efforts with prevention. You really can’t completely prevent most cancers. Mammograms, pap smears, and colonoscopies don’t prevent cancer. They screen for it in hopes that it will be detected early enough to be treatable. By taking care of yourself, eating right and exercising, what you are really doing is reducing the risk, or likelihood, that you will develop cancer. Risk is based on statistics in the general population.
2. Early detection and screening. Squeamish is no excuse. Suck it up and get a colonoscopy. Don’t be so vain…believe me, they’ve seen plenty of butts, yours is no big deal. I promise you they won’t remember what yours looked like, even if you run into your doctor on the street.
3. Know your family history. If anyone in your family has cancer, let your doctor know. This is reason enough to make sure you do your screenings. If several people in your family have cancer, ask your doctor about genetic counseling. Really. It doesn’t hurt one bit and it might save your life or someone else’s in your family. (Counseling first, never jump into testing)
4. Learn about it- from the right sources. The National Cancer Institute (NCI) is a good place to start http://cancer.gov Don’t ask Dr. Google.
5. Use caution when reading online or ads. Here’s a great place to visit if you have questions about a study or claim you read: http://healthnewsreview.org Anything that says, “a study” showed… One study is not a body of evidence. Studies need to be repeated, on large numbers of people, put through rigorous trials on humans under strict conditions, study conditions and findings examined for bias by experts, and published in peer-reviewed scientific journals.

On to Part Two...

Spring in Colorado and the Cancer Harbors launch

I'm back. I know, it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I last posted. Completely and totally unacceptable. I've been busy with the launch of Cancer Harbors, making the switch from development to marketing, and time just gets away.

I have been running about 3-4 days a week, and feeling pretty good. Nothing exciting to report, I've been so busy that I just go through the neighborhood, down the Power Trail, or somewhere that doesn't involve taking extra time to drive.

Today is the Horsetooth Half Marathon and I am so glad I didn't decide to run it this year. Last time I ran it the weather was like this, actually worse because of the wind. It's 37 degrees outside and we have a big heap of wet snow outside, it was accumulating only for a few hours and now it's melting as it hits the ground. I'm glad because we have blossoms on our baby apricot trees this spring and I don't want any hard frosts to hurt them!!

I'm busy making videos and writing blogposts, press releases, tweets and social media posts, and other stuff. I know this doesn't have anything to do with running, but I am going to write a few posts for athletes and runners because we are not immune to cancer.

Here are a few links to my Cancer Harbors posts, articles, and so on... If you know someone with cancer, who has either recently been diagnosed, is going through treatment, or has recently (within the past year or two) completed treatment, send them to Cancer Harbors, because there are so many quality of life issues that go unaddressed by current medical practices in survivorship care.

Cancer Harbors website

Digital Health interventions in Cancer Survivorship

FIERCE class

Hope to have more running news soon!

Turbulence and Challenge

After a pathetic week with the snow and cold, I finally got out and ran an easy five mile run with Emma on Sunday. We did Bingham Hill, which gave it a little challenge. I didn't feel bad at all running up the steep side and we talked the whole way.

Yesterday I got a good ten miles in on my feet, about seven of those were running. I'm running with Wheaties Boy tonight. It's warm again but windy today. There were whitecaps on the lake when I went out to do a therapeutic walk late this morning.

Now I'm tapping my feet at the desk. It's the calm before the storm. Tomorrow I meet with the marketing firm to plan the last steps before we launch my new service, Cancer Harbors. I'm nervous with anticipation. I don't expect miracles to happen and certainly not overnight success. It's going to be a process, much like an ultra, with ups and downs, good and bad patches, without a finish line on the horizon.

I'm troubled by something I learned yesterday, about one of the runners I've admired for many years, he's in his 80s, and just got some bad medical news. Cancer is something I am around all the time. I hate what this disease does to people, and I like that I am able to intervene in some ways and make things somewhat smoother, even if I can't fix any of it. There's been enough cancer in my family, and around me, in addition to my work and my clients, that it is something I've become used to, but not in a way of losing empathy or numbness.

I do know that burnout is something I will have to avoid, it is always a possibility when you're in healthcare and working with people who have intense needs. There's a certain distance you become able to maintain, but not enough that you can't emotionally grasp what they are experiencing. I don't know how to describe it. The ability to do that must be somewhat of a necessity if you're going to work in this field. You also need to be able to give something back to yourself, to refill your own tank.

Right now in addition to my dad's recent treatment and tentative remission, and the fact that a young person close to our family is in a hospital being prepped for a second bone marrow transplant after a leukemia relapse, and doing all I can to support my stepmom and others through coping with my dad's health problems, and my daily work which involves caring for people going through various phases of treatment or after treatment, it seems like I've been going along doing pretty well.

And then this news yesterday hit me. I was trying to figure out why it bothered me so much. He's lived a long active healthy and fun life. He expresses gratitude for all he's been able to do and experience in his time. It makes me mad that he has to deal with this, but then I know that cancer bully doesn't care, it picks on anyone and for no particular reason.

Those who think that by being a runner, eating healthy food and living a low stress lifestyle they can avoid cancer are just fooling themselves. There are other reasons to take care of yourself, of course, but if you're going to develop cancer, you're going to. At least until the day when we figure out whatever goes on inside our bodies molecularly and genetically to get cancer started and stop it.

Maybe it's because lately I wonder about my own existence, I've been working so hard on Cancer Harbors that I have foregone running, ultras, adventures, traveling, and having the money to do it. I've always felt that if I died tomorrow I would not regret it, I feel like I have packed a lot of living and fun into 52 years. If I'm taking up space on the planet, I need to be contributing something, and by coloring outside the lines and being disruptive and vocal, not following the beaten path, I am.

Recently I've been missing something, and maybe it is the accumulation of the caregiving role combined with the lack of spiritual outlet that running ultradistances gives me. Maybe it's working alone, without coworkers or people to talk to for most of the day, not even having the counsel of Iris and Isabelle anymore, in all of their superior wisdom. I don't know what independent health care providers do to take care of themselves, to cope with the emotional burden of the work they do. I have probably two dozen people I could reach out to, but they're all too far away for face-to-face conversation, in the flesh.

There's also the nagging thought that rarely surfaces but is back there somewhere, with my crazy family history of leukemia and other cancers, and who knows if they are hereditary or just random, that something could be waiting for me up ahead, and I want to be able to face it if I need to, with no regrets. So maybe what I really need to do is start running long again, just getting out on the trails around here more often, being outside and experiencing as much as I can while my resources are limited. Being outdoors always has been my solace. I need to find a way to challenge myself regularly again.

Climbing fences and trees with a corncob in your mouth adds an element of challenge.

Yesterday my friend Marissa saved the day for me, she is putting on another run like the Equinox run we did last spring in Arvada. This time it will be over Labor Day weekend. It will be an early fall equinox event, called "There Goes The Sun". That gives me a little over five months to get ready to spend 12 hours on my feet. I needed that much more than I realized. I'm going.

Relentless Forward...

Motion.

photo credit: Kristi Mayo/mile 90 photography

I felt remarkably good after the race. Driving home was the hardest part, getting stiff driving the 10 hours home. But it was peaceful driving across Kansas, and I got a chance to do some thinking about my upcoming week. Lots of appointments, both business and personal, this week. I need to get a lot done, as next week is a big training week for me, planning on a lot of miles, my last chance for a high mileage week before Cornbelt.

I did have some swelling in my left ankle on Sunday night after the drive. I put ice on it and it had a chance to be elevated all night as I slept. I rode the bike for 2 hours Monday and then Tuesday was such a busy day I skipped my workout all together, not on purpose, either. I was just too busy. I ran 12 miles today and felt great. I don't feel like I ran a hard effort 4 days ago. We'll see what happens Friday, I'm supposed to get up and run speedwork with Wheaties Boy at 4:30 am. That's when he always runs these days, and it's why I haven't been running with him. But I need to.

I woke up this morning at 3 and could not get back to sleep, finally at 4 I just got up and started working. I had a busy day and hoped to take a nap if I got things done, but no luck. I kept getting things piled on. It was okay though.

It was a weird day all around. The weather was strange, somewhere between sunny and cold and cloudy, then rain. And I kept inadvertently running into people I needed to run into. Taking care of loose ends, without even trying. I guess the universe was helping me out today.

I had my annual appointment with the boob smasher at noon, I'm hoping that all goes well. I should find out in a week. I'll try not to worry and forget about it. I also went to the dentist before that to get my teeth cleaned. I do all the torture things together in one day and get them over with.

When I was at the dentist he noticed something about my lower lip- that it's got sun damage and he thinks it looks different than when I was there six months ago. He recommended I see a dermatologist. I'm not surprised, with all the years I've been out in the sun, and how hard it is to keep sunscreen on your lips. So I will do that, I need to get a referral for my insurance. I can just see them having to scrape off layers of my lower lip or something awful. But I'd rather get it taken care of now, get it over with, whatever I need to do, if anything.

Speaking of fun things, this year is the year for my first colonoscopy too. I'm putting that off until after Cornbelt though. I really don't want to do that either. I kept hoping they'd have a less invasive method by the time I turned 50, but no luck. I was also hoping they'd change the screening guidelines to age 55 for women. But no luck there either. With a family history of several different cancers, I need to stay on top of this screening stuff.

I'm just plugging away, each day, doing a few errands that take me in the direction of where I need to be. Some days I'm flying, some days my feet are stuck in cement. Even on the days I feel stuck, I'm still moving forward. But as long as I'm running, I'll be okay.

The Snowmageddon Super Bowl

Today I ran about 16 miles on the Power Trail and south of town in the snow. It stayed at 19 degrees and snowed the whole way. Most of the bike paths were plowed, but the roads were slushy and the sidewalks were marginal. Lots of icy spots underneath the snow.

The backyard is buried, our raised beds are almost submerged in the snow. It seems like there isn't much out there when you look at flat surfaces or the roof of the woman cave, but when you go out in the streets that haven't been plowed, like ours, it's almost knee deep in some places. And it's still coming down.

But it was another nice day for a run. Time alone, to think about things. Sunday is Superbowl, which is of course a bigger deal here because of the Broncos. I am very proud of my nephew Jim, he's a freshman at Cal State Long Beach and he is a bassist. The Walmart commercial during the Superbowl will feature his bass playing in the background music. Even if it is Walmart, hey, it's pretty cool.

Next week when I'm in Arizona I will also be going to see a play the night after running Pemberton and my niece Jenny has the leading role. I'm very excited about my niece and nephew and their success in their artistic pursuits. My youngest nephews, Matteo and Luca, are turning out to be amazing athletes, great at soccer, basketball, and whatever else they pick up.

I'm not much of a football fan but I can tolerate watching a game every once in a while. I will be watching the Superbowl. Especially the Walmart commercials. Ha!

Running today brought me an incredibly happy feeling. I was thinking about things I'm looking forward to, like the races I've signed up for, and being able to actually watch the Superbowl with Dennis- I always had to work on Superbowl weekend. And this morning I just spoke to a running buddy of mine, Beth, in Georgia. She might want to run in Ohio again next fall at North Coast and we would share a hotel room, which would be fun, and it would be great to hang out and run some with her, she's a lot faster than I am though. And it would also save money on my limited budget this year.

I've had a solid week of running, and next week I get to go to Arizona. I am not tapering for this race, I intend to go into it tired. I hope to run well even on tired legs. First race back you never know. But it will be fun, I always see so many of my old friends there in the Arizona races.

Just feeling so relieved, so much less of a burden to carry around now that I don't have to deal with the toxicity of my old workplace. It's a great feeling. I am working probably more hours now than I was at my nursing job but the hours I put in are doing things that are moving me forward. The opportunities are unlimited.

Finally I feel like what I'm doing is going to make a positive difference and really improve someone's health, rather than having to do it in a way that is limited and restricted, forcing me to check little boxes instead of being able to focus on the person I'm working with.

Tuesday February 4th is World Cancer Day and I am going to launch my business Facebook page that day. At that time my business website will be visible. I'm making progress and will be done with my Cancer Exercise Trainer course by the end of this month and ready to take the exam for that certification, and then I have some paperwork and legal details to take care of, and I should be ready to go by mid-spring, ready to pound the pavement and tell everyone about my new gig.

But first...Omaha! It's the year of the prairie.

Bronco Bella, aka Isabelle, aka The Prairie Princess, is wearing her Broncos shirt. Go Broncos!

Track Day, and A Fascinating Visit at CSU

Back to the track today.

I didn't expect much the way my legs have been feeling, but it turned out not so bad. I did three sets of 2000 meters, starting at 5K pace, first with a 2000 meter run, then got progressively faster with an 800 and some 400s, then finished up with 10 x 200m.

It wasn't nearly as ugly as I feared. I got 10 miles in this morning and called it good, between dog running and the track workout. I'm trying not to pile on the mileage too much early this week knowing that I have Casper on Sunday, which will give me plenty of miles. It was encouraging to feel decent in my speed work.

I've been thinking about trying some Tabata workouts, to get my butt moving a little faster, and maybe burning more fat. I'll have to be really careful with them though, and work up to the intensity, since my body has no idea what a 4:30 or 5 minute mile feels like. I'll see about that later on, if I live through Casper.



This afternoon I made a visit to the Colorado State University vet school, to the Flint Animal Cancer Center. One of my former colleagues where I work now took a job there about a year ago. She loves it and has been telling me about it, and invited me to visit. I took her up on it, so today she gave me a tour and a briefing about the facility and services, and then I attended rounds with some of the doctors and residents, surgeons and radiation oncologists, which took about an hour.



It was interesting to hear about the treatments and regimens they use, both for chemotherapy and radiation, some of them are very similar to human cancers, others are different drugs I've never heard of. They discussed some of the clinical trials and biotherapies available too. The needs of the pet owners and animals, and quality of life, were always part of the discussion.



What I was most impressed with, and hope to go back to find out more, was their program for improving communication between veterinary medicine providers and the clients, who are the owners and pet families. They have a whole institute devoted to that. They support decision making, quality of life, and palliative care needs. They have educational programs devoted specifically to teaching compassion and effective communication to health professionals, so they can do a better job of serving the needs of the client and patient. They even have a hospice program for pets.

Some of what they do for animals and their people is paralleled in human patient navigator programs, palliative care (for this you can substitute the less formidable verbiage: transitional care), and hospice, but as far as teaching effective communication and holistic talk about quality of life and decision-making, human health care seems to be far behind. Part of that is just being behind the times, and some of it is just cultural sensitivity to talking about life and death matters, something that people here in this country, and the human medical profession do not do well.

She took me on a general tour, and I got to see the critical care unit, which was interesting having formerly been an ICU nurse, I saw a dog on a ventilator for the first time, looked exactly like a human with the endotracheal tube sticking out and the ventilator giving breaths, and the monitors, tangles of IV tubing, and so on. The dogs actually looked much more comfortable and relaxed in there than any human ICU I've ever seen.

They have every specialty you can imagine, not just oncology. I had the strong feeling, after listening to the residents and the doctors who were there, that they were very much aware of the big picture of what was meaningful and compassionate care for the animals, and for their people, not just a bunch of nerdy scientists looking for research subjects.

Human medicine stands to gain a lot from veterinary medicine, and not just from research protocols for clinical trials in drug testing. There's a whole world to explore in the psychosocial dimension of cancer care where human medical professionals could improve.

I spent two hours there but could have easily spent all day, just looking at the educational posters and displays on the walls about the different research that is going on there. I'll figure out a time to go back and hopefully learn and see more.



So now I'm back home, just some easy miles the rest of the week before I leave for Casper on Saturday afternoon. I hope this marathon doesn't hurt as much as I'm afraid it will...

Grounding

Today I spent most of the day in the woman cave, working on my application to the UNC gerontology program. It's not a degree, it's a 12 credit certificate that I can take online.

Applying consists of the usual hoop-jumping exercises of higher ed, like writing essays on "why did you choose gerontology" and chasing down every institution you've ever attended for transcripts, and so on. I'm looking to enroll in the gerontology certificate program which is a graduate-level program of just 4 classes, which I will take one at a time due to the cost. I can also get reimbursed fully by my employer if I take just one class at a time. I can't believe it costs $1500 to take one 3 credit class. And that's in-state tuition.

Do I still sound jaded? Totally burned out? Frustrated? Yes. Sometimes, taking another deep breath is the hardest effort of all.

It occurred to me today that perhaps the reason I have been a whirling dervish these past 2 months is that I haven't been running and training. Between the taper and the recovery, I've about lost my mind.

After I felt like my butt was melting into the chair, I decided I had to get out and run, at least do something, just to get the blood flowing. I went out to do a 3 mile loop through the neighborhood and a few blocks from my house I ran into one of my neighbors, for the second time in a week. I hardly know her, and despite living just 2 blocks apart, we never see each other.

When I saw her last week, I was running the dogs and she was walking. I stopped to talk to her, and I noticed a gauze and tegaderm dressing on her chest, peeking out from under her shirt neckline. She had a port placed in her chest. She was just diagnosed with two different, unrelated types of cancer and is about to begin treatment next week. When we last talked, she told me all about it and wasn't sure where she'd be receiving treatment yet, it won't be where I work. But as we talked I told her about different resources available to her. After we went our separate ways it occurred to me that I should have given her my contact information. I didn't know her last name, either, and I wasn't sure which house she lived in.

So today when I saw her out walking, I stopped again, I gave her my phone number and e-mail, and we talked more about what she's going to start next week, and I'm sending her some information that she asked about. It's not going to be easy, but she should do well. Hopefully a year from now she will have moved beyond all of this and will have her life back in a different, but full gear. It won't be the same, ever, she will be changed by the experience. But she is fortunate because it was caught early and the prognosis is about as good as you can have with cancer.

I knew there was a reason why I didn't get out the door until just that moment at 4:30 pm, at a time when I rarely go out to start running.

It's hard to stay focused sometimes on the true meaning and value of what I do when there are so many distractions. I've been way off center, ungrounded and lost in those distractions. Today, at least, I came back to earth. It's important to do that, for the sake of other creatures out there.

An April Memorial

I should say, speaking for myself, another April memorial. April seems to be the month, at least in my experience, where a lot of deaths occur, or are commemorated, for people, creatures, and ideals important to me, including some that I've clung to, of which I needed to let go.

I never thought March, April, or anytime in the spring would be a good time to die, everything is coming to life. But maybe that's how it needs to be, to make room for something else. I always thought November would be a better month to end an existence, at least in this hemisphere.

This April's memorial is something different. Very different. There ISN'T something else. Some spirits have no successors.

Some spirits are so unique, that when they leave, the remaining world won't ever be the same. There's no void left, instead there's a solid, immovable presence, that can only be figuratively climbed by a few. To scale the presence of this rock face is to appreciate and understand where it came from, and why it was there. And so it is with Kevin.

This April the trees are barely leafing out, the bulbs are pushing up flowers, and there's a faint greening and blooming every day.

The world needed Kevin, but it didn't deserve Kevin. That might seem like an odd thing to say, but Kevin was so smart, sharp, talented, and deep that he existed on a level parallel with most other people's existences. People spoke about him at his memorial this morning, and had conversations among themselves.

The common theme I heard in those who spoke of him was how he impressed them, touched their lives, created a special place in their memories, so much that they shared a reverence for him. This included teachers, people in the community, fellow climbers, friends, family, and people who had known him just a short time.

I would have to count myself among the latter category, in my own version of reverence.

I think, but I'll never know for sure, that Kevin and I were cut from similar molds. Very different upbringings, interests, ways of embarking on each of our life journeys. We shared some interests, namely writing, painting, loving the mountains, flowers, and running, other interests were worlds apart.

Being different, being your own person, living a uniquely focused life takes a lot of courage. Bucking convention, doing what you need to do to cut through the loads of crap life creates and places in front of you from day one on this planet, sometimes before you're even born, is not an easy task.

People are a powerful influence when they impose their beliefs, values, and perceptions on you. Following your own compass requires constant vigilance, frequent focusing, and repeatedly comtemplating your purpose.

This is how I've always lived my life. Not that I haven't made mistakes, trying to conform, trying to fit in, trying to be like a "normal" person. It's never, ever worked, and I've never, ever been happy when I tried to take that route that wasn't meant for me.

As a result, I could relate to Kevin, he wanted a simple life, and so do I. It's been complicated at many stages but I've tried to resist convention and stick to my principles, I've sacrificed a lot of comfort and acceptance.

Rarely have I met a person who impacts my own life like Kevin did, in the short time I knew him, he was a reminder of my priorities, and a validation that I am on the right path, even though I still question it more often than I ever should. Kevin was half my age, but he was wise and possessed a spirituality and an intellect.

Rarely seen.

In people.

Of any age.

He knew, despite growing up in a world that offers so much distraction, that there was a greater purpose, and could focus on it. Living life fully was his focus. Climbing, the mountains were his passion, but coffee, good books, writing and painting were important too. He lived fully with his cancer, in his cancer, despite the torture.

Cancer was simply another climb for him, the way he faced it, not at all in the environment he wished for, but he faced it like a technical challenge and gave it everything he had.

Cancer was the climb that defeated him physically, but not spiritually.

Listening to the stories of those who knew him well, there were a lot of quotes...one that appealed to me was a Prefontaine quote, since Kevin used to run trails, too, it was "To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift."

Cancer isn't fair, and neither is life.

Even in the unfairness, it is possible to live fully, a satisfying and personally rewarding existence, even though to those on the outside, they think you're insane, foolish, lazy, selfish, or detached from reality.

Two of my favorite quotes happened to be on Kevin's memorial program:

"And those seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music"-Friedrich Nietzsche

"Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel"-Horace Walpole

Being in what appeared to be a roomful of people who mostly understood, I wanted to comfort some of them, especially the younger ones with tears in their eyes, who are at the age where cancer and death are far from an imagined possibility, maybe this is their first brush with the finality of death, or even the presence of cancer, in someone their age.

But I can only comfort myself, knowing that the path I've chosen for my existence and the experience and richness it's brought to my life is right for me, and I'm going to go right on doing it. Life is something that you have to discover and do, you can't go through it with someone holding your hand.

Afterwards I decompressed with a two hour trail run up at Horsetooth at a relaxed pace with Cat, and then I stopped by the neighborhood liquor store to buy the latest New Belgium seasonal creation: Rolle Bolle Ale. Which tastes good VERY cold, and is similar to a subdued IPA with fruity undertones. Not that I would want to sound like a beer snob, or anything like that. It's good, a little different, but far from my favorite.


Actually this weekend is the release of Odell Imperial Peach IPA and I'm looking forward to that even more.

I have 50 miles in the bank so far this week, with Saturday's easy ten and Sunday's moderate effort I will get another 25-30 miles, which should round out my week nicely.

Today I did start looking at the race info for North Coast and my travel plans. I need to get another pair of shoes broken in fast, and figure out where everything that I'll need is located when I get to Cleveland, so I don't have to deal with too much city crap.

One of my patients gave me this advice about Cleveland: "Just shoot and walk away."


Another adventure in the works...

Late Recovery Week...And Early Fire Season

The eerie light on the tree trunks this evening and the hazy sky are a reminder of last spring's High Park fire, but this is March, and it's a different fire. The Soldier Canyon (now named Galena) fire broke out near Lory State Park this morning, first a small fire, then grew to 40, then 200, then 800 acres as of now, 6 pm.

Today when I went outside to walk the girls, I thought it smelled smoky, but thought maybe someone was grilling in their backyard. And my eyes have been burning all afternoon. It's been windy and gusty, but rain or snow are in the forecast for the weekend. Let's hope we get the moisture.

Already there are evacuation orders for everyone living west of the reservoir near Horsetooth Mountain and Lory State parks. Having to do this again, so soon after last year, has to be extra traumatic for all those people, and anyone who lives in those fire-prone areas. Looks like it will be a repeat of last year's fire season. Not fun.

Looking out the window and seeing the hazy sky is depressing, I'm not looking forward to dealing with the smoke. Also, if the fire doesn't get controlled soon and does a lot of damage in the park, that could mean problems for the Quad Rock races that will be held May 11th this year.

My intention was not to write a depressing blogpost but this sure is going that way. I apologize. This week has been a rough one.

Recovering from Delano Park has been harder than I expected. I think it was because of the traveling and so much jammed into a short weekend. I went to work on Tuesday and I was so tired. Wednesday I was completely worthless. I had terrible brain fog, couldn't think clearly at all. I walked 5 miles on Monday, then all I did Wednesday was walk the girls for a short one, I had no energy.

Thursday I ran 8.5 miles easy and that was better after some good sleep Wednesday night. I toook long naps both Thursday and today, and those have helped. I'll try to get a few miles in over the weekend, but I'm pretty much blowing this week off. My legs are still slightly sore and tired in places, too.

Today I got word that a particularly young patient I took care of over the past 2 years, died this morning at home. I really liked him, he was so smart, talented, athletic, and had a great spirit about him. His parents are my age. I feel terrible for them. Some deaths hit you hard, and this is one of them for me.

The Buffaloes went for their annual vet appointment today, both are doing well, approaching 12 years old. It's hard to believe my babies are almost 12. They've slowed down a bit, but they still have plenty of energy and Iris especially loves to run. Isabelle is not so sure about the running, but she loves to get out for a good fence fight.

Having several friends who have lost their dogs or cats lately to old age, it's a sad thought of what's ahead, but I try to focus on each day and what they can do. We try to have some Buffalo adventures every day, and those work days really put the guilt trip on me. It's beyond a blogpost to describe how much the presence of these two girls has enriched our lives. Dogs just don't live long enough.

Today Iris kept the vet and his tech entertained while Isabelle trembled. The girls have such opposite personalities. Iris was obsessed with the thermometer, once the tech whipped that out, she kept her eye on it until he put it away, then she watched his hands to make sure that nasty thing wasn't coming at her again. You can't get away with anything when Iris is around.

And I finally got around to getting my labs drawn before I left for Alabama, so I got the results this week. My thyroid results are right where things should be, so I don't think the anxiety I've been experiencing is due to that. I'm sure it is those other hormones, the dang girl hormones, or lack thereof. Everything looks great except for my cholesterol, thanks to my genes I have high total cholesterol and my LDL is high, too. But my HDL so high it's off the charts.

I know I could make a few dietary modifications but not much, I really don't consume all that much crap, my one bad daily habit is having half and half in my coffee, so maybe I need to go back to Silk. And on my work days I can do better. I can probably add more beans or oatmeal to my diet, but I don't really like oatmeal and I don't really like what beans do to me all that much, either. Beano, I know.

I will not be sold on statins, I still need to go through menopause completely and see where the dust settles. As far as cardiovascular risk I don't have any other risk factors except for family history on my mom's side, the men in her family all had early heart attacks. They were also overweight sedentary smokers. I was a little surprised when my doctor suggested I might try dietary modification first but then was really sort of pushing for statins as a backup plan. That's not like her.

As an athlete, statins can cause a lot of problems with myopathies- muscle aches, muscle breakdown. Repair of muscle tissue and recovery from hard workouts are a problem, also statins have been associated with elevated blood glucose. Really, do we need any more help inducing diabetes in people?

There are other risks with statins and I'm not really convinced that any drug that is so widely marketed to the public with so-called results is good for people. By results I mean lowering actual numbers in lab tests. The numbers might be pretty, but what does it do to the person long-term and what are the realistic and practical effects of taking the drug itself on other body systems and overall health?

Also, athletes have special needs to consider when getting on a drug that can affect how they feel when training, how they perform, and whether those impacts will have a detrimental effect on quality of life for that person. For example, putting an athlete who is hypertensive on a beta blocker, that is not going to be the right drug for them.

Also, my feeling, for myself, is that I'm going to die of something. If that something is a sudden heart attack or stroke at age 80, well, good for me. I'll make damn sure they don't try to rescusitate me. If nothing else gets me by then, and lots of things could: cancer, accidents, meteor strike, gunshot, getting hit by a car while running, eaten by a gator on a run in Florida, whatever...then it will be my time to go.

Really, the way the world is going, I don't really care to live to be very old. I see what happens to people as they age and it doesn't look like fun. As long as I'm able to run and take care of myself independently, I'll stick around. Once I need to have my butt wiped, forget it. Paging Dr. Kevorkian...please, put me out of my misery and everyone else's too.

I'm hoping that this weekend will recharge my batteries. Some rain or snow would be a nice thing at this point. I might have to drive to Loveland or Windsor, depending on the wind direction, to do my runs to avoid the smoke.

Sorry to end on sort of a down note, but this is where I am today.

Hissy Fit!

Today was one of those loosey-goosey mornings.

I took the girls out for their morning run, and Isabelle wanted to come home after 2 miles, so we went home and then I went back out with Iris. Iris has a way of finding the geese, with her built-in GPS app, which means goose poop sniffing if you're new to the blog.

After four straight weeks of high mileage, it's my easy week, and all I wanted to do was get some quick speedwork in at the track this morning. I decided to do 16 x 200 meters, just for the turnover. Last week I did a few, just to get a feel for the pace, in 44-45 seconds.

The geese had taken over the track again, and there were just a few people on the track when I started my workout. There was this one VERY ANNOYING older woman, I've seen her before at the track, a few years ago. She loves to run and walk in the opposite direction of everyone, in lanes 1 and 2!

She doesn't seem to understand basic track etiquette, and the safety aspect seems to be lost on her. All she needs is to run into someone, she's a hip fracture waiting to happen. She'll run in lane 2, but she veers into lane 1 on the curves, even when someone is coming in the opposite direction! I watched her do that to another runner who was out there while I was warming up.

I need to have my elbows sharpened. She almost collided with me on the curve once. I wanted to say something to her, because she doesn't get it. I debated whether to talk to her. I wonder if someone already has. I am sure there are runners a lot less tolerant than I am.

I think it's great that she's out there doing it, she does a long consistent workout, but how stupid can you be, when there are people half your age and BIGGER than you running FAST in the counterclockwise direction, and you decide to wobble in the same lane going clockwise!!

It's one thing to run clockwise in the outer lanes when you warm up as long as you avoid anyone working out in those lanes going the counterclockwise direction. She left, fortunately, before I got too far into my workout, and I didn't bother to say anything. I'd hate to discourage her from doing her workouts. I wonder what she'd do if a whole track team showed up.

I ran about a 3 mile warmup, changed into my Adrenalines, and did some strides. The geese were pissed off. As I did my warmup in the outer lanes, after a few laps this one long-necked goose kept hissing at me. Once I was settled into my workout, he got a few of his friends in on the hissing, and soon I had two or three geese who opened their pink mouths and hissed at me every time I went by. They wouldn't approach me in the track lane, but they stayed on the grass in the infield as they ate. They stopped eating to hiss each lap.

I took it as a compliment, they were cheering for me.

This morning, cheered on by the hissing geese the whole time, I started out at 44 seconds and worked my way down to 41 seconds by the end.

Afterwards I drove home and felt like I'd done enough for the day. I got 11 miles in. When I got home, I looked at the bottoms of my shoes.

I wonder how much faster I would have been without all that goose poop!

After today's 11 miles, and 10 yesterday, preceded by 3 days off, I think I've rested well! I worked Wednesday, but Monday and Tuesday it was snowy and cold and I was tired, so I took advantage of the not-so-nice weather and took some much needed days off.

It's Superbowl weekend, and it's my work weekend. I'm anticipating the weekend with a bit of dread, because we tend to be busy and understaffed. But what I'm really dreading is the work hangover on Monday. Next week I don't have time for a work hangover, too much going on.

The other running news is that (1) today the Badwater race application period begins. No, I'm not applying this year. I'm hoping to make it out there this July to volunteer on medical again, if I can get away because of our work mandate of no vacation in July. This isn't a vacation, it's a professional activity, that will be my excuse. Let's hope it works.

(2) I have signed up again this year for the Team Gab Virtual Race to benefit Pediatric Cancer Research Foundation in honor of Gabby Gonzalez, daughter of Heather at 365 Days of Awesome. Last year I ran a 5K with a retro 80's theme. This year, I'll be doing the Pemberton 50K. Not sure if I'll have a costume or not, but we'll see. I have a week to figure it out.

Anyone can join, so if you're so inclined and care about this cause, I encourage you to visit her blog and check it out.

Happy Superbowl Running Weekend!

A Very Proud Day

Groundbreaking, Poudre Valley Cancer Center. A seven year buildup to this day. Hundreds of people involved in the planning. Over 3500 individual donors.

Construction will now be underway in building this facility, which will serve the people of northern Colorado and outlying communities. Opening date in 2014.

There are several longtime readers of this blog who have contributed to this effort as donors, and I'd like to thank them for their generosity, even though they don't even live here and might never benefit directly from it.

Cancer touches everyone, and no one is immune from it, eventually someone they know or love will have cancer and it will impact everyone around them.

A few pictures from the day follow: it was a nice warm sunny day, fortunately, because the heated tent was nowhere near big enough to accomodate all the people who showed up for the event. There was a donor brunch in the morning with several videos and speakers, and a public groundbreaking in the afternoon, with more speakers, followed by the hardhats and shovels.

There were 3500 donors to the Cancer Center, but many more small gifts add up to more uncounted donors. The Save Change program yielded $85,000, throughout the community. The local schools raised the bulk of these funds, so many committed and dedicated kids.

Small steps really do add up. Remember there are so many steps in a mile, and if you just multiply those by 100, you'll know how many steps there are in a 100 mile run.

If you want to accomplish something big, break it down into small steps, but most important of all, don't put off starting. If you wait, it might never happen.

Start today.

Passed!

Not a gallstone or a kidney stone, not chicked or sharpei'd, but the OCN exam.

That's the certification exam for oncology nursing. I started studying for this at the beginning of the year. I had several months where I didn't study much at all, but I needed to get it done. And now it's done.

I haven't had much running news to post this week, I only ran 40 miles and from the looks of it, that will be it for the week, as I go back for my work weekend tomorrow.

But I am so relieved, I studied so long for this test, I don't remember studying for anything this long except for my Ph.D. comps twenty years ago.

Woke up early this morning, and stopped off to get something to eat, and was on my way out of town and saw Wheaties Boy out on his morning run. He's always out before dawn. I didn't honk because he looked like he was in the zone and I didn't want to startle him, I hate it when people do that to me when I'm running if I'm totally lost in my own world.

Driving down I thought about how I could compare this to any race for which I'd trained hard. I had a job to do, I needed to focus and get it done.

I was nervous about this one because I've heard horror stories of nurses having to take it two or three times before they passed. The amount of material I had to study was crazy. It made my critical care certification test look like kindergarten. Cancer is a BIG topic.

The sunrise this morning was amazing over Denver and the foothills. I got there early and got checked in to the exam. It took me two hours, but about halfway through I realized I was doing better than I thought, seemed like I was confident about most of my answers.

When I finished the test and reviewed all the answers I wasn't sure of, I had about 40 minutes to spare, but I wasn't going to overthink it, so I finished the exam and a screen came up and said "Result: Pass" and I let out this huge sigh of relief.

After I got out of there, I had to sit in the car for a few minutes before I was ready to drive home. I was drained! I got on the road and when I got home, Dennis had taken the day off and we went out for sushi to celebrate. Then we came home and I took a nap.

I took a few days off running this week, after running long on Monday and just 10 on Tuesday. I didn't want to be tired going into this exam, I needed to have a clear brain, no brain fog. I have enough trouble these days between waking up hot flashing and the hormonal brain fog I get, plus topping that off with workday fatigue and being tired from running.

It worked out well, as this week is my work weekend and I don't have as many days to run as I usually do. So I'll call it my back off week, and the next two weeks I can hit it hard again, and then back off a little before Across the Years. I'm not going to taper much, just get a little extra rest the week before.

I am actually looking forward to the work weekend, I like our weekend crew, we usually have fun, and it feels good to have that huge weight lifted off me. And after the weekend, I can have more of my life back instead of always having to study. I look forward to getting in some good miles over the next few weeks. And we're due for snow and cold...but on December 31, I have another fun job to do!

It's Official...

It's official, summer is over. It was 35 degrees this morning outside my window and I heard there was snow in the foothills. I didn't see it because Horsetooth Rock was socked in behind the clouds. That's okay, it will come down here soon enough.

Today I actually did get out and run a total of 10 miles, first a couple with the girls, who are enjoying the cooler weather. I felt pretty comfortable in a warm pair of tights and a long sleeved running top under my fleece jacket.

Then I went down the Power Trail for another 8 or so, and on my way down there I ran into my friend Dan, who just retired from the Park Service this week. Dan was on my crew at Badwater in 2011, he's had a long career with the National Park Service and did a lot of work in Death Valley. He's trying out his new role as retiree, and trying to figure out what's next. He's been pretty much consumed by work the past 2 years, so it's a great relief to him and I'm glad to see him free and able to get back to the fun stuff in life again.

My left hip is still giving me fits but I think I just need to get warmed up and stretch more, and maybe more massage. I've had two visits to the chiropractor and it really isn't doing much. He hasn't even been able to pop me, I am stiff and not moving very well. I probably just need to take hot showers before I stretch, and hang out in the hot tub, which unfortunately is not working right now. I have another appointment with the chiro dude, who is really sort of a dork, early next week but I'm not so sure I'll keep it. I might be wasting my time and money.

I have my doubts that a chiropractor is going to do much for me that I can't do myself, since I already solved the problem on my own in the past. I do have a plan B, someone Wheaties Boy recommended. I'll resort to that if I don't get myself more flexible and moving better in the next week.

I finished my damn review course online, I spent 6 hours on it yesterday and got it all done, passed the test by the skin of my teeth, and now at least I have that hurdle out of the way. I might change the date of my certification exam to later, which means next year. I am tired of stressing about it.

I've had a chance to do a little reflection on what all is contributing to the way I've felt lately. I feel like I need something for me.

When I look back over the past year, I've given a lot of myself to a couple of close friends who lost people in their lives to cancer, in terms of time, energy, listening, caring, worrying, supporting, love, and so on. When you add that on top of a job that requires a lot of listening, caring, supporting, and energy every day for patients, after a while it does wear on you.

I also know a lot of people in the community who are dealing with cancer and I've given as much support to them as I can. Lately I haven't even been able to make it to the support group that I normally enjoy attending, because I feel like I can't give any more support. I need some myself.

I think I'm just a little depleted at the current moment and need to put something back. Compassion fatigue is the technical term my profession uses. I call it mild burnout. Add a little hormonal imbalance to all of that, and you end up with a crazy person. Which is what I've become.

So today I decided to do something nice for myself and went over to REI and went shopping in the girls section for a few new things to wear. I got 3 new bright colored shirts and a skirt. I used a coupon and my dividend, too. The skirt was from the adult section- I'm not going to pretend I can fit into girls sizes below my waist.

Something interesting I noticed though. I always shop in their kids section, and it is a great option for me for things like long underwear and t-shirts and stuff, the prices are so much lower than the adult items, and I'm small enough to fit into a girls large. Except today I bought a kids top there that was a medium!

I guess I'm reaping the benefits of obesification.

Tomorrow morning it's supposed to snow. The homecoming 5K is at 8 am. I haven't signed up. The only way I'm doing it is if I wake up super early and I have time enough to warm up really well, and the roads can't be slick, either. Call me a fair weather runner, but it's true. I don't want to freeze, I'm not used to it yet. If I feel good enough, I'll be doing 20 miles tomorrow. Maybe I can get my stiff body to crack and pop in all the right places.

I'm enjoying being outside for now, with the cool temperatures and all the colors.

And after I run tomorrow, I have two things on the agenda. One, cleaning out the hot tub so we can refill it and get it repaired, and two, going out with a girlfriend to drink a few margaritas or beers and blow off some steam!

Brilliant, Einstein!

I'm almost to work hangover day, but not yet. I can breathe for about 34 hours between my Monday and Wednesday shifts. Why did I do this to myself? The aspen colors are peaking! What has happened to my brain?

I lucked out today, didn't have to go in until 5 pm and just worked until we closed for the evening. I was home by 9:00. Awesome! That helped a lot, and I was able to take an hour nap this afternoon.

I have a full plate on the running schedule this week. I'm not going for mega miles, probably will end up somewhere around 65, but I do have a couple of faster sessions planned along with running the Equinox Half Marathon at a good tempo run pace. It's downhill, so that should take a few seconds per mile off the pace and make it a little easier.

Tomorrow is normally tempo day but I will be doing a couple of sustained hard 20 minute runs in with my morning miles. And then speedwork on Thursday, likely 800s. Not too many, though. I want to get a couple of 20 mile days in this week and that, combined with everything else, should make it a good quality training week.

I've continued on the up and down emotions the past few days. All day Saturday at work I was holding it together on the outside but all I wanted to do was cry. I continued that on Sunday, and it was a little harder to hold back the tears but I still managed to keep it together while the patients were around. Back in the nurses station I had a few moments of wiping away tears.

I had a really difficult patient over the weekend, and one of the hardest things to deal with are people with dementia and/or brain metastases from cancer. I'm not sure what was wrong with this one patient because there was no mention of brain mets in his scan or history but the type of cancer he has is likely to go to the brain and his behavior was so inappropriate.

I had to endure two days of him, the first day when I did his chemo for 7 hours, and the second day even though I wasn't taking care of him, he was being verbally abusive and upsetting other patients, and it was horrible.

Sometimes I wonder why we are putting people through the treatments we do. We are so focused on trying to cure things or control things, when sometimes it's just torture for the patient.

I see so few patients who, faced with terminal disease, make the choice to not go through the rigors of treatment, and they sometimes have a better quality of life and live longer because they aren't purging their bodies with chemicals and radiation and being sick from that the last few months of their lives.

But I don't have any tears now. Don't know where they went. I have been so totally unfocused and unpredictable with my emotions. The hot flashes are not helping.

All I want to do is go look at the changing aspen leaves somewhere. I know they are peaking now and won't last long. I should have known better than to overbook myself this week. I always try to get up to the cabin or go somewhere up high to see the colors the third week in September. That was so dumb to miss out on that!

I suppose I could blow off all my runs and studying to go up and see the leaves but right now I feel so crunched for time and so stressed out with deadlines that I think it would be more stressful. So I'll stick to the plan and wait for the cottonwood, maple, and other trees to change here in another week or two.

Not the same as aspen, but I did this to myself. Now I pay for it. Dumb. Really, really dumb.

Running Appreciation Week

In my mind, this week should have been called Running Appreciation Week.

I got the best of everything this week, and I finally started feeling better, sort of like I'm running, instead of slogging. It's been nice to run distances that normal people run, and not feel like I have to do anything long, yet. I'll build up over the next month or two, but for now I'm really enjoying running 10 miles or less most days.

I don't talk race strategy much on this blog, mostly because I don't race much. But this year I've been prepping for some faster running. I think at some point it hits you, when you're nearing 50, that the speed you were gifted with might not be around too much longer, so better get out there and do something with it while you still can.

Not that you can't run fast when you're older, but realistically, the PRs get harder to come by, and I see some opportunities to improve on some distances that I never put my efforts into. Now or never. Let's just say I'm getting a head start on age 50, which is only one year and 7 months away.

I ran a 10 mile tempo run with Shannon on Wednesday, did some short, easy runs with strides this week, never went over 9 miles on my easy days, and ran a 5K today, and tomorrow I will be running a total of 16.3 miles, or 26.2 K, as part of a challenge that Shannon started, to run that distance on the day of one of the Olympic marathons.

The distance coincides perfectly with the timing to do my first long run. The phrases "16 miles" and "long run" don't normally go together in my world, but this fall, they will.

In the tempo run we were lucky to not have blazing heat. I ran okay, 8:40s, which are decent for me for a start. I'd like to get those well under 8 minute pace this fall, but I'll get there.

The 5K was the Run for Hope, a fundraiser for Carcinoid Cancer awareness. I've run it in the past but not hard. This time I wanted to push myself and get an idea of where my fitness is, so I can see my progress throughout this fall as I attempt to get faster.

I ended up running a very well-paced 23:10, a time which is adequate for a start. First mile split 7:26, mile 2 was 15:04. Not bad. What was interesting was that I placed 10th overall among women. Probably because the Wild West Relay is going on this weekend and there weren't as many fast people around town. But I was 7th in my age group, which means 7 out of the 10 fastest women including me, were ages 40-49. And I was the oldest of all of them, most of them were 40 or 42, with one 45 year old.

The thing is, this year I have run 4 5Ks, all between 22:43 and 23:20. That time is getting old. I haven't trained specifically to get faster at any distance except 100 miles, so it's hard to judge 5K times against that type of training. So, next weekend I am going to run another local 5K and see if I can get just a little faster. The Rat Race, in Ault. It's across I-25 from Fort Collins. Exciting stuff.

I do have a plan to run several more 5Ks, maybe a 10K (ouch- my least favorite distance these days), and a half-marathon or two over the next few months.

Where I hope all this is going, is a big 48 hour PR at Across the Years in December. The endurance thing is not the issue, it's my speed. I don't have to be fast to run for 2 days, but if I work on my speed, I can sustain a faster pace more easily when I'm just running easy. And that should, in theory, make me less fatigued after hours of running.

So that means part of my strategy this fall will be doing faster paced runs, but shorter distances. Fewer long long runs, and a lot of 20ish mile runs at a good pace.

I plan to take the old body for a test drive in Oklahoma in October at the 12 hour race at 24 The Hard Way, to see how it's all coming together. That race will also serve as one of two long long training runs, and everything else will be of the shorter, faster variety.

The only thing that I wish had been different this weekend was something that fell short, but only due to my own lack of foresight and planning. My husband went up to Gunnison to his old coach's 75th birthday celebration, and then I found out that a lot of the athletes I worked with when I was an assistant coach there in the late 80s were there too.

I just didn't make the connection, for some reason my brain pictured it as Dennis and a bunch of his old college buddies getting together and didn't connect myself with it. Maybe that's a hormonal brain thing too. Now I do regret missing it. But I did get to talk to a few of them on the phone and am now connected again so it will be easier to see some of them in the future.

We were all so fortunate to have lived and run up in Gunnison and Crested Butte back then. The places we went to do our runs, up Gold Creek, the West Elk area, Kebler Pass, Tincup, Taylor Park, Gothic, Alpine Tunnel, the quarries, Hartman's Rocks, I can't even remember all the names of the places but they were all so beautiful. And we got to see them like that before a lot of the big development came to the area around Crested Butte.

Not the least of which is that if I hadn't been living in Crested Butte in 1986 when Dennis was in Gunnison, we never would have met, almost 26 years ago to the day (August 6, 1986) when I won my first 5K ever and also met Dennis for the first time.

Anyway I feel very fortunate to have had those experiences. It was awesome to see the pictures Dennis sent me of everyone, I am so thrilled that these women all look so fit and have stayed so healthy in their 40s! They really look fantastic and it's nice to see that despite the intensity of competitive running they did when they were younger, they all managed to incorporate fitness into their lives since college.

Some of them now have children who are entering college, which is a little mind-blowing. But it has been 25 years since those days when they were on the team and I was an assistant coach. Unbelievable.

Back to running appreciation week, I love it when I have these moments, even after running for 30 years, that I can look back and see where I've been, and all the amazing people I've known, and realize more than ever that running has been the best thing, ever.