Detox Day Five: Seeing Colors

The foliage colors are about as bright as they will get, more leaves are falling to the ground except for the giant cottonwoods behind my house.

I'm feeling a little better, and have processed a bit of the anger and hurt, and have realized that this was not meant to be. I don't belong in a box, never have, never will.

I've been quite productive the past two days, though today I'm dealing with lack of sleep. I woke up several times during the night hot flashing.

My calf finally loosened up after four days. I might go running later, or wait until the weekend. At this point it really doesn't matter.

Some interesting ideas and opportunities have surfaced over the past few days for when I'm in Arizona. It should be a fun trip, to say the least. I'll be meeting some great minds...I will enjoy seeing what comes of many creative minds working together.

I'm allowing my brain some time to heal from the stress-induced fog. It's funny, yesterday I spent the entire day working on an online course in cognitive impairment in oncology patients, and there I was, cognitively impaired myself. I have no doubt that it was by the same mechanism of cytokine-induced cognitive dysfunction, from stress. It took me forever to process the information I was reading.

Another interesting social media link I saw today led me to think about nurses, as it is a female-dominated profession.

What she says is so true of nursing too, as a profession. We are taught in nursing school to defer to others...male-dominated groups like executives, physicians, and surgeons. At the same time we are expected to think critically about what is going on with the patient. The problem lies in the contradiction of what we are supposed to do according to our license, which is, to speak up, and what large employers are focused on: profit and keeping anything quiet that might interfere with generating a profit.

I want to make a positive impact on people's lives. I can do a better job of that on my own, out of the confines of a square box.

There are no limits!

October in Motion

How did it get to be the middle of October? It's been a blur.

I'm not sure where the time went, but it's gone.

This week I did a couple of one hour pool run/1000m swim/3.5 mile land run workouts, and one day where I ran for an hour and did a little over 6 miles. That's all. That's all I had time for.

I got my business logo finished this week, and had a photo shoot with a professional photographer, in preparation for the website. I've been studying, and working on all sorts of parts and pieces of things having to do with starting things up.

I am just dealing with the fact that running is taking a back seat to some other priorities in my life right now. That's okay, too. I'm happy to be making some progress with the hamstring and I love the swimming. I suppose I'll get back to a steady running routine eventually, hopefully by the end of the year. I want to do some ultras next year.

But right now I don't know where the energy will come from. The work hangover fatigue was back on Thursday with a vengeance. Again. I don't have the reserves for this...not in energy, or patience, or anything.

But it did help me figure out something. I am thoroughly burned out from work, I went in there to work an 8 hour shift on Wednesday which ended up being nearly 10 hours, and I'm working both days this weekend, and next week is about the same, and just two hours into my first shift back I felt like pulling my hair out. I'll just have to figure out how to deal with it and move forward in my new endeavor so I can put this energy-sucking force behind me.

I still think it's sad, because I'm not the only one feeling that way and I know other people aren't in the position I'm in, where they can make an exit strategy as I've been able to. I'm done, I've been done for a while, with pretending things are okay. They're not. I don't pretend well. I can't just put on a fake smile and swing my ponytail and act like everything is good while everyone around me is getting reamed. I mostly feel sad that a job that I used to enjoy so much has become such misery. I wish I could just not care but that's not how I am.

So the way I'm setting up my future business will allow me to keep the enjoyable parts of my job, working with people and actually doing something that will help them to help themselves, but I won't have to spend the majority of my time facing a computer screen and gripping a mouse, clicking my way to insanity. I will be able to work with humans again.

This is my favorite month. I'm trying to get out and see the colors every day. It's not possible to go up to Estes Park the old way since highway 34 is destroyed. And the park is closed anyway due to the government shutdown. But I'm content to see all the colorful trees we have here in Fort Collins.

I am thankful I have the support of Dennis and my family and friends and that I'm able to miraculously generate enough energy to move forward and be quite productive. Even though I've felt horribly depressed at certain times, I'm not functioning like a depressed person. And I got my thyroid labs done the other day and that looks good. Two things I've avoided are the scale and the blood pressure cuff. There are some numbers I'd just rather not know at this point!

Mostly I wish I had more energy, and I wish my brain worked better sometimes, but brain fog and fatigue are two things that are a reality of my life and I've been able to manage both and function at quite a high level for a long time. So this speed bump is just another thing I'll get through.

Relentless forward motion.

Work Hangover Wednesday: Flowers in the Fog

It's a cold day! The temperature is only in the 50s. I actually had to turn on the heat in the woman cave this morning.

This morning is a typical post-work week hangover day. I'm brain fogged and almost non-functional. I did manage to read a couple of journal articles this morning but it's so hard to concentrate. I always plan for my work hangover day by keeping my schedule open, not planning on doing anything that requires brain function, verbal interaction with other humans or sounding intelligent, and I get dishes, laundry, gardening, bill paying, and other boring but necessary things out of the way. I can usually manage an easy run in the morning, but until I get my afternoon nap I am pretty much worthless for anything productive, running-wise, or otherwise.

The past two days of work were mixed, Monday was one of those frustrating days where nothing goes smoothly. Then Tuesday was a much better day, but long and exhausting. There's always something raining down on us that's entertaining at work, especially lately, seems like we can always snarkify it for a laugh among us. That's how we survive this insane pseudoprofession called nursing with its irony, futility, and cyclical idiocy. I have diverted my energy toward a separate writing project about nursing and it's amazing how easily the words flow out of me. I couldn't wait to get back to the woman cave and start writing again, but today so far it's not happening.

It does frustrate me that I can't be more productive on that first day off work. I tried writing this morning but my thoughts were choppy, and I was having a hard time focusing on what I wanted to say. A nap will be necessary to get the brain in gear. I haven't even been out for a run yet. I think I'll wait until after the nap and then do the whole thing at once, it's so cool today it won't matter what time I go.

The flowers are getting ready to explode in the garden. Any day now.



I'm lonely this week, Wheaties Boy is taking a hiatus after toughing out a brutal run at Bryce over the weekend, I'll have to get out there and make myself run fast. My body and legs feel good, the Casper Marathon didn't seem to faze me except for being sleep-deprived. I have a track workout and a hill workout planned, other than that I'll just shoot for easy miles. This morning I did sign up for the Estes Park marathon on June 16th. If I feel halfway decent I might even be able to run it faster than Casper.



I'm sitting here in the cave having lunch with the girls. I'm looking forward to the nap and the restoration that comes with it.

Not So Bad, for a Bad Brain Day

Spring made a brief appearance this afternoon, but it's not going to hang out for long. Looks like we're in for more typical Colorado April weather, cold, snow, and wind. The leaves are about to break out any day now, and I can see more green and wilted flowers that froze in the cold snap we had the other day. It was 12 degrees yesterday morning! Today it was windy but closer to 60 degrees when the sun finally came out.

I am very excited about the apricot trees I am growing from seed. I planted the seedlings last week, and they are starting to grow leaves in their pots on the kitchen table. As soon as the weather warms up, I will plant them, in places safe from Buffaloes. We are going to let our grass go over the summer, since we're on water restrictions anyway, and put in some raised beds and grow veggies. And we will xeriscape the front yard eventually.

This morning I met with a film crew in south Fort Collins, they were shooting some footage of me running in a field with the foothills behind us, for the upcoming Spring Benefit for the Cancer Center. I am one of 6 people they will be featuring in the video, 3 are cancer survivors and 3 are donors. I was honored to be included as one of the donors in this year's video. It was fun, they asked me questions about my running and why I support the cancer center, how cancer has affected people in my life, and so on.

It was freezing out there, I had to keep running around to stay warm. I had my jacket and wind tights on, but standing there it was cold. After we were done, I went home to a freezing house. Our furnace died overnight and I scheduled a service person to come out and check it out at 1 pm. Turned out it was the safety limit switch (whatever that is) and about an hour and $200 and change later it was fixed. We have heat again.

Having hot flashes makes heat seem relatively less important, but it was cold in the house this morning, 48 degrees! I know we will both appreciate having warmth tonight. I slept through the night once this week, but then last night I woke up a lot. It's killing my brain, I am worthless and unable to think clearly after a night like that.

I have been distracted, with yesterday's brain fog of a work hangover day, and today between the filming and the furnace, I haven't been able to get much done. But tomorrow I have to start packing for Ohio. The weather forecast looks gruesome at this point, 48 degrees, rain and wind. Ugh. But it's still 10 days away and a lot can change before then. I have a plan, and that's what's important.

I went out and ran about 6 miles today and felt okay. I also ran with the girls. My legs were still sore until yesterday. I don't plan on doing much all week, probably 8 to 10 miles at the most each day. I sat in the hot tub this afternoon, trying to get the girls to stop fence fighting with the neighbor dogs, and other than that brief chaos, zoning out. I have a book review to write and some other things to do around the house this weekend, but my brain wasn't ready to tackle any of it today.

It was nice to not HAVE to do anything today, between being hot, and cold, not sleeping, tapering, and my schedule being off, I feel sluggish and out of sorts. I'm really lucky to have the time to chill. I think I'll go hang out with my girls.

Mindless Monday

My work hangover after a weekend is slightly worse than a work hangover on Wednesday. Our work weekends usually consist of crazy busy Saturdays and slower Sundays. This weekend was like that.

Saturday was crazy, and we had a few crazies too. I really think we should get hazard pay for taking care of some people and their family members, because they are a danger to our health. For example, this weekend we had the family member of a patient who sat in a very prominent location in the room, in an open backed chair, with shorts that did not even halfway cover his butt.

I was about to throw a blanket over the back of his chair, before he moved. The next time I saw him, he was out in the hallway kneeling in the waiting area, working on a computer, exposing even more of the slot machine. Got a quarter? Disgusting.

Saturday was a long day.

Sunday was Superbowl day and we were busy enough, but it wasn't terrible. I woke up early and the sunrise was outrageously colorful on my way to work.









By the time I got off work it was sunset, and this shot (below) from the parking garage doesn't do justice to the colors that were behind Horsetooth Rock.

Today I was way too brain dead to function in the morning so I took Iris for a 3 mile run, Isabelle didn't want to go. Then I went up to Horsetooth and ran 12 miles of hills. And now I have my busy week ahead of me, once I recover from my work hangover with a good long nap, I should be ready to get things done and pack for Arizona!

Mental Pause

The fog outside must have worked it's way into my head. Either that or it's dementia.

I had my week all planned out as of yesterday. I was set to do my morning workout, then run in the evening with Shannon. I went to the grocery store and did a real grocery shopping trip, which I usually avoid. I finally gave into my green chile craving and bought all the ingrediients to make New Mexico green chile stew, and had the pork shoulder roast cooking on the stove.

The plan was to do my long run today, Friday. I had all my stuff together to set up my little aid station at my car and do my loop course. I was settling in for the afternoon, about to do some studying for my upcoming certification exam.

I had a great a.m. workout of 8 x 1/2 mile with very little recovery, on a rolling stretch of the bike path, all of them well under 7 minute pace, including the uphill sections. I must have recovered well from the hard run last Sunday.

I saw the message light on the phone around 2:45 pm when I got in the door from taking the girls for a run, and didn't think much of it, probably a political survey or telemarketer of some sort. I kept doing things around the house for 20 minutes or so and then decided to see what the message was about. I didn't even bother checking the caller ID.

It was our charge nurse, asking where I was, hoping everything was okay, since I was supposed to be at work at 1 pm! I looked in my calendar quickly- but there was nothing in there about working. I called her back, thinking it was weird that she didn't call me at 1 when I didn't show up. Apparently my 1:00 patient didn't show up until 2:30, and that's when they realized I had not come in to work!

I guess that's what happens when you work with a whole crowd of women going through menopause...

She said they were doing fine, I had time to take a shower and get a little food before going into work. I got there at 4 pm and it didn't get busy until 5, and I stayed until closing.

I signed up for so many extra shifts this month that I must have spaced out this last one and not put it on my calendar. Anyway, all is well, the paycheck will be nice. But it threw all my week's plans into a tailspin.

When I woke up this morning I realized the route I've chosen for my long run is going to be muddy and waterlogged, and will need a few days to dry out. So I've changed my plans to run long on Sunday, even with the resulting brain fog that often sets in the day after. I'm hoping a nap in the afternoon Sunday will help with that before I go back to work.

Today I will just do miles with some strides and pickups. It's foggy out there. Good day to stay inside, finish cooking the green chile, maybe I can finally get some studying done!

WHW: Work Hangover Wednesday

My name is Toast.

Just got back from a gazillion errands and I haven't even gone out to run yet, it's 72 degrees and gorgeous, and I can barely see straight from sleep deprivation. This time change has me all screwed up. I don't even understand why I keep waking up early. Seems like I should be waking up late. But the two days I worked 8 am to 8:30 pm, I woke up at 4 am and 4:45 am. I could not go back to sleep, either. And that really sucks when you have a 12+ hour day of work ahead of you, or two of them, back to back, in which you never get enough sleep between shifts.

So I'm having a bad brain day today. I'll try to get a nap so I can get out for some miles with the girls, then do a decent workout this evening.

Back to the grind this week. Lots of bills to pay, grocery shopping to do, which I've been avoiding, picked up the papers and found out the damage from the tax chick (not as bad as I feared), and so on. Generally not the most exciting stuff. But I figured if I got all the errands out of the way, I can enjoy the rest of my days off this week. The weather is awesome. I plan to get some hills, some faster paced running, and some tire...no long runs this week, but next week I'll start doing some consecutive long days. Today I'll shoot for 10 easy with strides. After a nap.

This morning when I took the girls out to get the newspaper, it was definitely spring. The birds were singing, and there was that feel in the air and that smell. That's the first morning I've been sure of it.

This morning I also went to the nursery to see what kinds of flowers I can plant outside the woman cave, complementary colors like blues and purples to contrast with the orange-ish color of the outside of the cave. It's still early but I got a few perennials and some pansies that I can move in and out until we're in less danger of a hard freeze. I desperately needed some color. I also got some blue flax seeds and some other wildflower seeds to plant nearby. I think some dark blue delphinium would look awesome in front of the cave!

And the next order of business is to work on the Batmobile project, now that Ed is back from Coyote Two Moon. Time to get serious about the Double Mick!