Just A Mouse Click Away...

I am enjoying my official return to a sane life, less than 24 hours after completing my last involuntary 12 hour shift. I am trying to pretend that the fatigue I feel today is not a work hangover. It really is, but let's pretend it's not.

Yesterday I was so happy. Even though it's a seamless transition between working as a regular employee to going to a relief position in the same department, it really felt like I stepped over a threshold. I suffered through the usual stuff all day, and made mental notes once again of all the ridiculous little steps that get in the way of actually interacting and taking care of the patients' needs.

Lately it's been coming down to how many mouse clicks does it take until you can get back to patient care. Adding an extra mouse click after the login screen, for example, to force you to look at the "message of the day"- before you can click into the work that you really have to do- it's just one more mouse click that adds to the already built up stress that is driving people crazy and leading to random meltdowns and four letter expletives. Now I will spend fewer hours of my life dealing with that.

I went to the pool at EPIC this morning and ran for 45 minutes in the deep water followed by 800 meters of swimming. I'm getting more efficient, it's like riding a bike, it comes back even after years of not doing it. I can't believe I didn't do it for so long. The last time I swam regularly was in graduate school, back in the early 90s, at the CSU rec center, when it was new. Now they've already updated the facility. I loved swimming then, and gave it up after graduate school.

The other night I ran with Wheaties Boy and it went much better this time. We went slow, but picked it up to a sub-8:30 pace at the end and the hamstring was fine. I just need to ease into it. I feel like I've lost very little fitness despite the long breaks and minimal activity of the past 5 months. And the intentionally unknown amount of weight gain...

I wish the tire around my midsection would at least keep me warm. It's cold today, I turned on the heat! I am a wimp, I know, but it was 59 degrees in the house and the toilet seat was cold. WAAAH!

So I spend my time now working on parts of my business plan. I found a great website designer to help me, she is highly recommended and is local. I also found someone to help me redesign my logo. Those are the fun parts.

So much to do! After the website and logo, there's filling in the details of the business plan, the certifications, the client inquiries, the marketing ideas, the trademarking- yes I'm going that far- you name it. And it all costs money. But...someone once told me there are only three things you need for success in business. Compassion, courage and cash. And cash is the least important of the three. So I think I'm on the road to success.

Of course that's oversimplified. All the stresses of working for someone else are replaced by different stresses of working for yourself. But it's really a different stress, and completely different than what I've been doing. For example, it's raining today, and 48 degrees. I had to run across the yard to my office, the Woman Cave, in the rain, and turn on the heat.

But during my breaks from work I made lentil soup and danced with the Buffaloes. And I had time to pee when I needed to.

Ask any nurse, it doesn't get much better than that!

Feeding It at the Woman Cave

Two hour run today, Sunday, wrapping up a total of 35 miles for the week. It's a start. I ran the Power Trail, I haven't been brave enough to venture down along Spring Creek Trail or the Poudre River to see the flood damage. I stuck to an easy ultra pace but picked it up for one mile just to move a little faster and see what the hamstring would tolerate. 8:54 pace was the limit. I sort of hoped I'd be able to handle a little faster than that. But the good news is, it didn't have a lasting effect, it was just being aware of it at that pace.

The one thing that did happen, which I have to laugh about, is that I chafed in places I usually never chafe. That's because there is even more of me than there was a few months ago. I've packed on the weight over the summer. My bicycle road tire feels like it's ready to graduate to motorcycle status. Maybe that's a little bit of exaggeration, maybe it's just a mountain bike tire, but I am carrying around a few extra pounds on top of the extra pounds I gained after last spring's racing season. Oh well, what can you do? It's stress and I feel confident that working out and feeling better will take the flesh away from my midsection quickly.

It will be a slow comeback but I'm not worried about it now. I'm still too distracted to get going with a solid strengthening program but I'm waiting until after this week when my life becomes mine again.

Last night Bard and Rikki stopped by with this t-shirt for me, I love his Feed Your Crazy concept and I wanted a t-shirt. I have always been antipathetic toward the use of "crazy" and "ultra" in the same sentence, because I feel that people running ultras are the sane ones and everyone on the couch is crazy, but when Bard first described this idea to me, I could completely relate to it.

This week we started out with the rain that would not go away, followed by a rainbow, followed by Buffaloes getting depressed about the weather and the fact that their dad was in Indianapolis for a conference, of all places. Now it's perfect fall weather and crisp in the mornings, and soon the bugs will be gone and my favorite riparian areas will be runnable again without aspirating six-legged flying critters.

The Equinox Half Marathon, which was supposed to be run down the Poudre Canyon today, was postponed. I originally signed up to run it, then I signed up to help with packet pickup, and then it was all cancelled. The cleanup from the floods is a huge operation, we still see helicopters flying overhead today. I don't know how long it will be before the hundreds of washed out roads and bridges are repaired or even passable.

I plan to run with Wheaties Boy this coming Wednesday, our first run together since last month when I was not ready to run. Now I'm ready, even if it is at a slower pace and shorter distance.

Then it got cold, and then the leaves started changing colors. Yes, I think 45 degrees is cold. Actually, it feels great, with socks and the heater on. It will take a lot of acclimatizing before I'm ready for freezing temperatures, but then, this is Colorado. We could have a blizzard next week.

One more week of my 12 hour shifts at work, and about a gazillion appointments jammed in between this week and next week, all good stuff. I know I'm doing better, because I must have worked at least 8 hours a day for the past 3 days on business-related stuff and I feel happy and I'm enjoying it, and I look forward to the next step with everything I've been working on. It's that Cziksentmihalyi "flow" phenomenon.

I'm ready for this week, and moving forward, feeding my crazy every day.

Onward and Upward!

I'm sitting here in the woman cave developing a case of butt-itis, from sitting on my butt for countless hours working on my business plan and website.

I'm about ready to get out there and go for a run, the weather is that crisp, early fall sunshine that heats up just enough in the middle of the day, but not too much. I actually had to turn on the heat out here this morning.

I've run on three days so far this week, with two more days to go, and no issues with the hamstring. I had planned to do a bit more than I actually did, but that's okay, it's not like I have a race coming up to train for. Right now my priority is feeling good, and as long as I get at least an hour workout each day I'm good. I need to start slowly anyway.

I'm not even going to make any decisions about races for next year until next year. I need to make sure I'm ready to go. Next year is the big year anyway, a new age group, and all kinds of new things going on in my life. I know that as soon as I'm ready, I'll be blasting into my training and preparation again for whatever challenge I decide is worthy of my half-century debut.

Yesterday I splurged and spent a ton of money on the refresher courses and certification programs I need to do to get back up to speed with all my fitness and wellness skills. It's been almost seven years since I had all that stuff going.

I also signed up for some continuing education credits in oncology, which surprised me!

I didn't think anything could possibly sound interesting right now if it was remotely associated with nursing work. But I know that my burnout with nursing is not about the actual work of nursing, it's the environment and conditions under which it is performed. I have two more scheduled 12 hour shifts at work next week, and then I am done with those. As of October I start my relief position, and I'll be doing 8 hour shifts unless I choose to stay longer if they need help.

I'm thankful for all the support I've been getting, from Dennis and so many of my friends, I've had so much encouragement in different places that tells me I'm on the right path. Starting a business from scratch is a scary prospect, but if you never try, you'll never know what you can accomplish. Just like racing, I have a job to do, I'm doing it, and I'm not looking back.

Sunshine!!

It's back. It started out raining this morning and looked like we were in for another day of gloom and steady rain. But by late morning, it stopped coming down and gradually the sky lightened until blue holes started breaking out everywhere.

The damage and destruction are not even comprehensible. You can look up anything on the Internet and find pictures under Colorado flood. I looked at some of the pictures, it's hard to look at them. So many people and animals displaced and destruction everywhere. The roads and bridges that are washed out, disconnecting and isolating small towns in the foothills, people still stranded and in need of rescue.

Blackhawk and Chinook helicopters have been flying overhead, it sounds like a war zone outside, all day long, flying over our houses in Fort Collins, which seems to have been least damaged of all the Front Range cities. It will be a few weeks before we know what all has been lost and how long a timetable we're looking at for restoring some of the roads. Right now it's too soon to tell.

This morning I got an early start, got over to EPIC and jumped in the diving pool and ran with my friend Connie for a little over an hour, then I swam 450 meters, then this afternoon I went for a run, for 45 minutes, in the warm, humid, sunshine.

I have this awesome free feeling. yesterday was my last scheduled back to back 12 hour shift, and I got to go home early, too. I am ready to take my life back. I have 3 more scheduled 12 hour shifts, and then I'm done. After that, I only work when I'm available, if they need me. And no more 12 hour shifts unless I choose to stay that long.

I'm at the beginning of a new chapter of my life. It feels like sunshine!

Seeing Stars

It's refreshingly quiet this morning, the air is cool and heavy with moisture but the stars are visible, with more clear sky than clouds overhead, as far as I can see in the darkness. No rain falling. For the sake of everyone stranded, evacuated or flooded, I hope it's done.

I go into work this morning to start the last of my scheduled back to back 12 hour shifts. Weekends are always easier. It's just as busy, especially on Saturdays, and we're not usually staffed any better, but it's just me and my coworkers and the patients, none of the extra people in suits milling around who do things that tend to get in the way of patient care. If I didn't have a life outside of work, I'd probably just work weekends.

But I can breathe a little easier, knowing that after this weekend, the exhaustion can abate and I can move forward making plans for what I need to do. I need to sleep again, get those afternoon naps that I've been missing out on, and restore clarity to my thoughts. Getting back to working out will be a big piece of that, too, once my energy returns.

Lately I've felt like there's an endless well of sewage, outrage and frustration that I needed to purge...getting re-focused will allow this to resolve. I've dumped much of it here, and I thank my blog readers for bearing with me.

Writing about it helps, and there's a lot more writing going on than just here on the blog. It's been pouring out of me like the flood we just had. Being honest about your feelings is important, if there isn't an outlet it will drive you crazy and eat holes in your insides.

I'll take a few deep breaths and stretch my body a little before work. The pool reopens on Monday and I'm already planning to meet Connie there, we'll resume our pool running and I'll swim a few laps too, recover from my last work hangover day, and get back to living my life.

From Relief to Ruin: The Gazillion Year Flood

The rain has not stopped, and continues on, supposed to continue through the weekend. People are stranded, or evacuated, many are on high ground but are surrounded by water. I woke up this morning to three alert messages on my cell phone.

We are fortunately on high ground and surrounded by enough high ground here that so far we're doing okay. just waterlogged. I haven't been out and about to see anything that's flooded, but the videos and news from local sources are all showing washed out roads and bridges, buildings and cars washed away, flooded streets and bike paths, and devastation.

I can only imagine that this rain is doing some major damage to the areas hit by last year's High Park fire, and places downstream.

Fort Collins itself has been lucky, we haven't received nearly as much rain as surrounding areas like Denver, Boulder, and the foothills. But when the Interstate closes, something big is up. All the major roads that lead from the foothills down to the Front Range cities are closed.

Looking out the window, it's a steady rain, all the smaller trees and shrubs are flopped over with the weight of the water. Headed out this morning to walk between earthworms and puddles, counting myself lucky, and hoping there's relief for those flooded soon.

In the Rain

It's been raining on and off all week and it's been a huge relief.

Being on my work hangover day, I'm pretty worthless. I don't ever expect much of myself the day after back to back shifts. Certainly nothing that requires brainwork. I'd love to have the energy to go out and run on this rainy day, maybe after a nap I can do it. I feel pretty much depleted to the core, but looking out the window at a scene that looks like the Pacific Northwest, makes me happy.

Today I'm meeting an old friend for lunch, we knew each other nearly 20 years ago, and we've been talking about getting together forever, and never get around to it.

The Buffaloes are staring me down, waiting for their walk. I guess I need to get something done...

I will give it a shot at getting on a routine of working out again next week. I don't remember any other time in my life when I lacked the desire to get out and move. It's raining again. Time to break out the Marmot jacket.