The Reset Button: Across The Years 24 Hours 2018-19

Arrival

I feel comfortable now being back in my routine of running Across the Years over New Years. Phoenix is home, my dad and stepmom still live there, my brother and sister in law are there, and I have a long history of ties with this race.

Last year it was my first time back after several years away, and the course beat the hell out of me from head to toe. I was determined to have a better physical experience somehow, even if my fitness level didn’t seem to have budged despite training somewhat more intensely this past year than last. At least until September.

I’d planned to run the 48 hour this year, but my muscles were not cooperating. After being on statins for a year, I finally got frustrated with the feeling of running on bricks for legs and said to hell with these drugs and went off.* It took a while to recover any sense of feeling like my muscles were working right, though. As a result, I did very little running from the end of September at There Goes the Sun 12 Hour, until a longish run weekend of 30 miles total in December.

I flew down on Southwest on the evening of the 27^th, hoping no one would give me the crud, and took an Uber to my dad and stepmom’s house in Scottsdale. My dad and stepmom had other plans this year and were in Miami at a three-day party being thrown by one of my stepmom’s cousins. I think it’s great that they have the energy to do that.

Upon arriving at the empty, quiet house, I got settled in to my usual spot in the old king bed on the south side of the house. Over the years it’s been getting softer and the mattress needs to be replaced, but this time, it totally screwed up my back. I woke up Friday morning hobbling around in pain.

I tried to loosen things up with a hot shower and stretching. After the pain didn’t ease up, I decided to ice my back and moved into the other guest bedroom on the north side of the house. At least I didn’t make things worse, but I was in pathetic condition to be running a 24 hour race.

On Friday I went out to meet my niece, brother, and sister in law at their new house in north Phoenix. They used to live in Tempe but downsized and moved when my niece graduated from college last year. My niece is going into the Peace Corps- to Togo- in May.

I spent Saturday preparing for the race. There wasn’t much to do except for shopping for a few groceries, doing my PBJ ritual, and organizing my bag of bags of cold weather clothing and race junk.

Dale texted me in a panic on Saturday and I didn’t see it until about 5 pm. Apparently, he had the Seinfeld experience at the car rental place. He took an expensive taxi to his hotel and was calling to ask me if I could pick him up in the morning and took him to the race and drop him off at the airport after. 

I slept well the night before the race and woke up just before my alarm. It was time to drive across town and pick up Dale. He was at a hotel I recognized from when the race was held at Nardini Manor. I stayed there a couple of times in my 48- hour racing days.

Race morning

We arrived at Camelback Ranch with plenty of time and picked up our stuff, got a table and set up our junk. Davy Crockett had just finished his run and came over to say hi. We saw Mike Melton in the timing tent and immediately gave him a hard time about the GPS being inaccurate. Mike is the world’s greatest race timer. Plus, he’s an old friend I met at ATY long ago and he crewed for me at Keys 100. I’ve signed up for races just because Mike was timing it.

Once we got our stuff set up, along with the omnipresent enema bag for Dale, I threatened an ice water enema if I found him in the warming tent at night instead of out on the course. We milled around waiting for the race to start.

It was very cold. People were wearing a lot of layers overnight. I had plenty- I brought two bags of clothing and I was ready for anything.  I looked for my Colorado runner friends. We saw the Pences- Eric, Anne, and their son Ethan.  I can remember Ethan being about 9 or 10 years old and running Across the Years. Now he’s in college.  

Eric donated a kidney to his sister the year before last, and he’s back to doing ultras. Eric ran the 72 hour this year, and Anne and Ethan ran the 48-hour. I missed Matt and Anne Watts- Matt had called it good after 100 or so and went back to the hotel to sleep.

Our friends Karen and Nattu were in from California. Karen was running the 72 hour, and Nattu was sick so he was at the hotel. Karen had help at the race, though. She was kicking butt.

My friends Doug and Marji Nash showed up to watch the start. They are snowbirding from Colorado in Goodyear, AZ over the winter, and Doug signed up for the 24 hour on the 31^st. They came to say hi before my start, Doug wanted to run a lap with me sometime on my race day to see the course. They also brought a special person with them- Marge Adelman, who was seasoned ultrarunner before I even started ultras.

Marge and I met back in 1991 at Doc Holliday in Glenwood Springs, my first ultra. We ran much of the race together, and she greeted me when I arrived at the finish line- knowing it was my first- with hugs and congratulations. That is something I’ll always remember. She moved away to Kansas for a while when we were in Arizona, and we have both since moved back to Colorado. It was a great surprise and treat to see her.

Mike started the pre-race briefing and we got started at 9 am sharp. The morning slowly warmed up enough to shed some layers, though I never stripped down to shorts. There isn’t enough daylight for that. The sun sets late in Arizona because of its location on the west end of the time zone, so the sun rises late around 7:30 and sets around 5:30.

photo credit: Steve Finkelstein

I felt good despite my back and as long as I didn’t stop, I was fine. It hurt, but not enough to distract me or slow me down- I wasn’t running fast anyway. I ran about half of the time during the daylight. My legs and feet felt surprisingly good. I saw my old Arizona ATY running friends Steve Finkelstein, Paul Bonnett, and Steve Finkelstein. Steve took some great photos at the race. It was also great to see the regulars like John Geesler and Martina Hausman, “Here we are again.”

By late afternoon I had gotten past 50K and I decided to do a foot check before it got cold and dark, so I wouldn’t stiffen up from sitting down. I changed my socks and shook out my shoes and gaiters, wiped my feet down with alcohol and inspected them. A small blister was forming on my left heel, so I cut it to let it start draining. Other than that, getting the dust off my feet and changing socks was enough to make everything good again. Took care of the hot spots, anyway.

The one thing that really saved my feet was that the gravel section from last year was gone. That sucked, and lots of people remarked on how glad they were that the gravel had been removed.

Into the night

I was careful about overdressing too early, and that worked well- I didn’t get sweaty like I usually do. I needed gloves and a hat, but I was comfortable. They served a huge pile of food for dinner- they had sloppy joes and I asked for potatoes with it instead of a bun since I am not eating wheat. As a result, I got a giant portion of food and I scarfed it down, knowing it would take a while to digest and be able to run again, but that was fine.

At dusk

Sasquatch and Karen stalking me

I was in a state of bliss as I rounded the course, having conversations with different people followed by periods of silence and withdrawing into my music. I had everything from Dr. DRE to Cardi B to Sade to Niña Dioz to David Bowie to trance.

It wasn’t until close to 9 pm when I felt like my stomach was empty enough to start running a little. I love it when the stars are out, and we had a bright half moon along with visible constellations despite the lit-up Phoenix sky.

The Low Number

During the night I talked with several of the old timers- the late 70s-early 80s runners. I’m talking age, not the decades of the 20^th century. Bill Dickey, Don Winkley, Joe Dana, some of the legendary longtime septuagenarian and octogenarian ultrarunners who show up for Across the Years. This year there was a 75 year-old woman in the race, and several women in their 70s. I love seeing that. They inspire me. We’ve had many older runners over the years, and many we’ve lost. You never know when you might not see someone again. Who would have ever thought John Hobbs, for example, would be gone now?

One thing about Across the Years is that your race number stays with you in perpetuity, and those numbers are assigned based on the order in which you first entered the race- your first time. I ran it for the first time in 1994. My race bib number is 133. I was looking at the other numbers out there and the only person I saw with a lower number than me was Mario Escobedo, number 35.

As I came up on him during a lap I started a conversation and it turned out we had a lot of ultra history to share between us. We spent several laps walking and talking together. He had been gone from the race for a long time and recently retired, now having more time to run again, he’s back. We talked about some of the old characters from Across the Years and the ultra community in general, the personalities, and the stories. Mario is only 60, so hopefully he’ll be out there for quite a long time still running.

Watching Sasquatch

I started looking out for Dale since he had told me not to let him hang out in the warming tent. I didn’t see him for a long time. He stopped to call his wife for a while and to eat- but after that I didn’t see him. I asked our friend Karen to keep an eye out for him. As it turned out, he was moving along about the same pace as me, just on the opposite end of the track so we didn’t pass each other for a lot of hours. That can happen out there. But he was moving so well. No enema necessary.

Dale had been carrying our friend John Hobbs’ number, doing laps in memory of him. We lost John this past year- he’s been a great friend in the Colorado ultra community. Dale said his goal was to run 73 miles, which was John’s age at the time of his death. Considering Dale has been getting chemo for a few months lately since his cancer relapsed, he was really doing amazing. The drug they are giving him is much easier on his body apparently, than what he had before.

I went into the race without a specific goal, but I expected to do about the same number of miles as I did last year. Since running crappy at the 12 hour in September with my statin-addled muscles, I really didn’t have any expectation of doing better. Plus, I haven’t done shit for training since then either. I didn’t do any long runs this fall until December 9^th. I did one weekend of 30 miles and that was it. I have really not been running much- more yoga and boxing than anything else.

One thing I do have in mind is finishing the miles for my 1000-mile jacket. As of the beginning of this race I had about 819 miles. I figured I would just make some progress toward it, then sign up for whatever event I need in order to complete the remaining miles next year.

What was most important to me, as well as Dale, was to stay out and stay awake through the night. I kept wrapping extra layers around my back and butt to keep my low back warm so I wouldn’t get stiff. My pace slowed somewhat, and I was doing less running, but I was not falling asleep with a steady oral infusion of coffee and other caffeinated drinks since about 3 pm. I never got sleepy and never got inefficient or sloppy.

In the corner of the course, about half way on the lap there is a water-only aid station that is staffed by one person all day. At night, there’s a guy who sits in there and plays 1960s and 70s music, he reminds me of Lieutenant Dan from the Forrest Gump movie. He is always enthusiastic and smiling and cheering on the runners. It’s like getting an extra little boost on each lap.

Ann Trason was at the race this year. She was always surrounded by several runners. I wanted to introduce myself but there was never a moment when she wasn’t engaged in conversation with one of them or looking out of it- so I didn’t. It was cool to have her out there. She was wearing a purple light-bedecked hat and was draped in some kind of costume so you couldn’t miss her.

When I started running ultras in 1991, she was the up and coming ultra star, and she was up there pretty much through the 90s until injuries and life got a hold of her. After running in the same sport for several decades it’s hard to avoid running into someone from that time frame- there weren’t nearly as many of us back then! She’s one of those people I never actually met.

I began concentrating on keeping enough calories in through liquids and switched over to gummy worms- ugh- but that’s really all my stomach wants at night. I had a yogurt, but it was too cold for yogurt. I had some PBJs and those helped.

Phreezing in Phoenix at Sunrise

Coffee and gummy worms got me through the rest of the night and morning. That was my breakfast, too. It was already cold but as we approached sunrise I was freezing, even with all my 6 layers on top and 3 on the bottom. Even the Colorado people were complaining about the cold!

At one point I went to use the real bathroom- which is heated and has light, flushing toilets and running water, and took my baby wipes with me- and the baby wipes were frozen solid! They’d been in my pack next to the table. A whole pile of frost dumped off my bag when I opened it.

When I passed 100Km and realized I had a lot of time left to do more miles- I was going to be way over my original expectations. I set a goal for 70, then 75. One the lap where I reached 75 miles, Ethan was finishing his hundred miles. I walked with Eric and Ethan. Anne was chasing Matt’s mileage, so she was trying to get as much as possible in so she could chick Matt.

After Ethan and I celebrated our milestones, we kept going, I got 76, then got one more lap in and ended up with 77.685 to be exact.

Which leaves me with only about 103 miles next year to get the 1000 mile jacket.

Ethan and Eric

Sasquatch finished with 70, which is impressive given his current state of going through cancer treatment, and we hung out to watch the end of our race and the start of the next day’s 24 hour race. Doug and Marji were there, I got to talk with Marge a little more, and I saw my old Arizona running friend Debbie Leftwich.

Sasquatch and I took a load of our stuff back to the car where I realized that the automatic entry key on my dad’s car wouldn’t work because it was so cold. We momentarily panicked, and looked for Marji to take us somewhere if we needed a battery or something, but then my sleep deprived brain was playing with the key and I realized there was a manual entry key inside the little gadget! False alarm. What a relief. Imagine, your locks freezing in Phoenix!

After we got the rest of our stuff, we drove over to the showers and I waited while Sasquatch took a shower and changed before going to the airport. I sat in the car with the heater blasting. When the clean Sasquatch emerged, we drove across town to the airport, and I dropped him off, and headed back to my dad’s.

Final standings for 24 hour 30th start

I had over 24 hours to recover and clean up after my race mess before they got home from Miami. I finally got a chance to peek at my race swag bag, and as usual, they gave us some nice stuff. I left my finishers mug at my dad’s house on purpose, I have so many ATY mugs. If anyone ever wants to drink a really big beer, they can use it.

The next day my dad and stepmom arrived home and I got to visit with them until Friday the 4^th, when I headed home. And now I’m back in Colorado. But before I arrived home, from the airport, I signed up for another 24 hour in Palmer Lake in April.

Race goodies

Resolution

It is true, like the proverb, that the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. It’s also true that the mind is an instrument. It needs to be practiced upon and finely tuned, with care and diligence and rest and appreciation for its means and end.

I’m re-learning to run with a different body than I had a few years back. I need to harness the power of my mind to make adaptations and adjustments to continue to put the miles in. I surprised myself with my ability to cover as much distance on what I used to consider an undertrained body. My goals have changed- I don’t expect speed any more, but I can achieve speed in a relative sense- doing more miles with more efficiency.

So next year, my plan is to sign up for either the 48 hour, or the 72 hour, to knock out those 103 miles or so without it being too difficult, and if I do sign up for the 72 hour, it will be with a dual purpose- to finish those miles as well as start thinking about what I’ll need for the 6 day race. I don’t want to wait too long, I’m thinking the year after next is a good possibility, if all goes well between now and then.

Next up is Stories 15 hour in Colorado Springs in 5 weeks…but I’ll be blogging about my updated philosophy of running before then. See you soon.

*disclaimer: do not take this as medical advice. If you're on any drug, don't stop it without consulting your licensed physician.

Revolution

These past few months, I spent a lot of time struggling with writing. I can still whip out a blogpost when necessary, but I didn’t have anything meaningful in my running that I wanted to write about on this blog.

Running has been much more of a struggle than writing, and considering that both of those passions of mine have been difficult lately, it's been a real challenge pulling it all together. Now that solstice is past and the days are getting longer, and January 1 is the first day of spring, I can see the light again.

Running on bricks
I ran a twelve-hour run in September and my legs felt the same at the beginning of the run as they did at the end, like running on bricks instead of muscles. It’s a weird feeling, your legs having this vague soreness or fatigue all the time, no matter what you do. It’s not like you feel it when you’re just sitting around, but as soon as you do the minimum of effort or exertion, it feels like you’ve been doing sprints.

The runners at There Goes the Sun 12 Hour

I pushed through the 12 hour and despite having trained a significant amount more this year than I did the previous year, and running a lot more of the time during the event, I only ended up with one more mile than last year. 47 instead of 46. That was disappointing enough, and it took the wind out of my sails to continue training for the 48 hour at Across the Years. I just didn’t feel like I wanted my legs to feel like that for 2 days. It’s not fun.

I backed off on my expectations and signed up for the 24 hour without any goals and I’ve basically blown off training for the past 3 months, not much mileage at all. I haven’t been running 5 days a week like I was, either. I’ve been walking, but not even doing a lot of that. Since September, my longest runs have been 10 miles on the Bacon Strip with some hills, until 3 weeks ago I went out and ran 10 miles late on a Saturday followed by 20 miles early on Sunday with two Bacon Strip loops, giving me 30 miles within 24 hours, and that was it.

Bacon Strip scenery

Soon after the crappy 12 hour, I realized what I’d been suspecting all along in my training runs was the problem. I went on statins a year before, and a common side effect is muscle pain. It did help my cholesterol somewhat, but I didn’t enjoy the way my legs felt running. It made me not want to run any harder because it already felt like I’d done a hard workout. Pushing the pace was out of the question.

I talked with my doctor and we decided to try going off the statin and recheck my cholesterol in 3 months, thinking I could change my diet a bit and increase the amount and intensity of running.

I do have occasional days now when my legs feel better, but they only seem to happen about once a week. I don’t know if the statins did long-term or permanent damage to my muscles, I hope not, but I certainly don’t feel like I have any level of fitness to push myself.

I have not changed my diet other than stopping eating wheat. I had success with that a few years back but that was before menopause, and I was still running intensely. The intensity of running is not there, so I am curious to see how my labs turn out when I get them drawn next month.

For the past year and a half I’ve been boxing, which helps my core and my upper body somewhat. But for the past 6 months I’ve only been going to class once a week, it just takes too much time to attend more classes than that with driving there and back, so I do my favorite class on Monday mornings and that’s it.

A couple of months ago my running friends Jill and Crisann started doing yoga at a nearby studio and they like it a lot, finally they convinced me to come to a class, which I did, and I ended up liking it so much I got a membership and now I am doing yoga 3 or 4 times a week.

This is recent, so we’ll see how that plays out over the next several months. It’s much closer to my house so there’s less travel time, and there are a variety of classes available, fitness, relaxation, restorative, mentally and physically challenging, and hot, and I am realizing what it takes to unwind a body that’s been running tightly wound for 35 years. This January is my 35th anniversary since I started running.

Yoga and Me
Yoga is something I have always been drawn to naturally since I was young. I never realized what I’ve been doing all along is a modified form of yoga- just not always with the breathing and mental parts.

When I was 13 in 8th grade and living in Pennsylvania when my parents got divorced, the first place we moved with my mom was to an apartment in Haverford. Around the same time, I somehow discovered this book called Yoga for Americans by Indra Devi. I can remember spending the afternoons between the time I’d get home from school and when my younger brother and sister got home from school, in the living room, next to the wall, doing yoga every day. I went through the whole book and learned all the poses and pretty much devoured every bit of information in the book. I can’t even remember what drew me to the book, I think I found it in a health food store. Remember those?

Copyright 1959!

At the time it was probably the thing that saved me from going in directions with my life that would have been detrimental to my long term and future mental and physical health. Junior high was hell, I was one of those kids who didn’t fit in. Every day at school was like a gauntlet of torment and nastiness, all at a time when I was adjusting to my parents splitting up, living with my mom in an apartment, and having new babysitting and cooking duties expected of me when my brother and sister were home, since my mom was working.

At the same time, I was adjusting to new kids in the neighborhood, going through my early teen years and trying to figure out who the hell I was. At 13, afternoon yoga in my living room gave me discipline and devotion to a practice that grounded me in that whirlwind of early teen hormones and daily peer abuse in which I was otherwise steeped, and simultaneously dealing with the uncomfortable living arrangement with my mom, because we did not get along. Fortunately, my dad whisked me off to Arizona the following year, but yoga kept me sane during one of the hardest times of my life.

A few months ago, I was thinking about it and decided to see if I could find a copy of the same book. I have been drawn to return to doing yoga because I feel I need it, it’s a calming influence on my life, it’s good for me because I stretch, build strength, and clear my mind. I found a reprint of it, even though the original book is out of print, and bought it on Amazon.

I had just started to go through it again when Jill and Crisann started talking about yoga. It made perfect sense.

Renovations
We are also about to install new flooring and carpet in the upstairs of our house in January, I cleaned out all the garbage that has accumulated in the guest bedroom since we moved into the house 12 years ago. We painted, and I am turning the room into a relaxation/yoga/meditation/stretching space once we get the vinyl flooring. I painted the walls two different colors of blue, and the flooring will look like a light gray oak with slightly bluish tones to it. I can't wait!

Now that Velcro and Gypsy are grown up enough not to be eating the walls and woodwork and are past the puppy stage, it’s time to replace the old carpet upstairs too. We’ll be doing that at the same time. Dennis is going to paint the hallway and trim while I’m in Arizona for Across the Years, and then the carpet gets installed in January. And as soon as we replace the carpet, we are having the ducts cleaned. It will feel so good to get rid of the old dirt and dust.


Still fat
And yes, I am still fat. Not any fatter than I was at this time last year, but I haven’t made any progress at all on the eating changes and exercise intensity front. Except for not eating wheat. I have cut back on the alcohol- not drinking beer anymore, but over the holidays I’ve been indulging a bit. I think we have it out of the house as of tonight- I finished the last of it.

If my legs ever start to feel better, as I’m hoping they will with the addition of yoga and cutting back on the number of days a week I’m running, I am counting on being able to up the intensity as soon as I recover from Across the Years. I’m planning a bunch of events early this year, all for fun but to keep me on top of my training for different conditions- hills, trails, speed, and so on.

I know losing 20 or so pounds would help my lipid profile too. I need to just get with it and I know I can. Things are looking up. I can quit stress eating and drinking. The new Democratic controlled Congress gets sworn in on January 3 and as crazy as the Orange Fuhrer is right now, at least it doesn’t feel completely and utterly hopeless knowing there will be some balance in the Capitol.

Looking forward
I intend to have fun in Arizona and stay focused forward at Across the Years. Whatever happens is fine, I do hope I feel better than I expect to. Undertraining can be a good thing sometimes. My friend Dale Perry (Sasquatch) is running and he’s going to kick my butt. He’s been running his ass off and he’s on chemo. I’m glad he feels so good. Don’t tell him, but my secret ambition is to not have my butt kicked too bad by Sasquatch. Like, by no more than 10 miles or so.

Sizing up Sasquatch pre-race.

I have to admit, that 6-day race is still rattling around in the back of my head. The other day Dennis and I were talking about it, I said, “maybe by age 60 I’ll do it” and he said, “Don’t wait too long.” Good advice. I was really glad I didn’t wait until 50 to do the Badwater double, because too many things changed in those 3 years.

I need to just get myself in a place where I’m ready to dive in. And you never know how long the race will be around, knock on wood, Aravaipa will continue to host it. Guess I need to get my shit together.

Speaking of getting shit together, I have one more day around here wrapping things up at home and for work, and then it’s off to Arizona.

I guess if I back up and look at myself now in the big picture, I’m just going through another life change again- another adjustment to this phase of my life without estrogen, trying to figure out how to master the art of aging while still being an athlete. Hopefully this is just a phase and I’ll get it figured out and bounce forward. Yoga could prove to be helpful again this time.

I’m working slowly on an updated philosophy post, which might come together soon after Across the Years. I’ll check back in before the race, if the mood strikes me, but I really do want to write a race report blogpost after this year’s event. And, by the way, if you're so inclined, you can check out race progress at Across the Years here. The link might not be live until the race starts, but I'm running from 9 am December 30th to 9 am December 31st, Mountain Time.

See you soon!

A New Look

Yes, you're in the right place.

It's time to refresh and renew, I've been feeling dusty and rusty lately and the new blog look is long overdue. I might continue to make a few tweaks to the look over the next few weeks, but I like this one.

Again, I've been seriously slacking at blogging, and running too. Lots of stuff going on, and just re-adjusting and tuning the different parts of my life. I'm doing fine, just trying to figure out running in a body that isn't the same as it was ten years ago, or even five years ago. I've had to do some experimentation and as much as I hate the cliche, soul-searching.

The political climate has been a small factor, but I feel much better since the election, even though things are pretty shaky at this moment in terms of what the Orange Fuhrer is going to do next without any supervision. If we can just make it to January 3 when the new Congress is sworn in, I can stop holding my breath. It's just that this narcissist and his band of deniers have triggered just about every bad experience from my life and figuring out how to deal with it has been a real challenge.

Mostly, I just can't get myself to sit in front of the laptop and write. Maybe it's leftover burnout from writing the book, but I also do quite a bit of work in terms of gainful employment in front of the screen, and I really haven't been doing too many runs worthy of blogposts lately, so there are my excuses.

I am headed to Arizona in a few days to take part in my New Years ritual, Across the Years. I was all pumped up earlier in the year to make a partial comeback and run the 48 hour event, but after my frustrating experience with the statins (see my next post or two) and feeling like I had a body transplant, and not in a good way- I decided to drop back to the fun run version and not set any goals, and just use the time on the course to zone out and enjoy.

I do plan to write a blog post recapping the past few months before I run Across the Years, once I settle in to my dad's house in Arizona. And I also plan to write a new philosophical post soon, I've been working on it in my head, but haven't sat down to put it into words. I wrote my old one ten years ago and it's time for an update.

I'm excited about what the coming year holds in terms of running and some of the other things I've been doing. And I am not burned out on running, buy any stretch. Check out my calendar for early 2019. I'm just going to do some different things and shake it up and spend fewer days each week running, since my longtime habits of running nearly every day don't seem to be working on this aging body.

In the interest of time and needing to get to my boxing class this morning, I will stop here, but I am not going away. I'm looking forward to sharing on this blog again. Thanks for sticking with me despite my long absences. And, Merry Christmas.

Time and Trauma = TNT

Caution: This post contains some four letter words. Don't read it if you don't like it. 

This morning I went running on Coyote Ridge with a group of women I run with regularly. It was spitting a light mist and everything was socked in- visibility was minimal. It wasn't very cold but I left the house without much extra clothing, a jacket or a hat, planning on not running more than 10 miles.





The trail was wet but not muddy, and I couldn't see the foothills around me, just shadows in the fog. It has a way of closing you in and protecting you.

It was precisely what I needed.

This past week was the week of the now and forever infamous Senate Judiciary committee hearings on the allegations of sexual assault by Christine Blasey Ford against Brett Kavanaugh, nominee for the Supreme Court.

It's been a week filled with talking heads, 24 hour news coverage, contention, hostility, anger, and ugliness.

I wanted to reach through the screen into that Senate hearing room, beyond the "female assistant" (WTF- she's a professional prosecutor, not your damn water boy), and throttle Chuck Grassley and the other senile fuck faces on the GOP side. I wanted to yell to Kavanaugh's wife, Run!!

We just saw the ugliness of power, of rich white male entitlement, on both sides of the hearing- on the Republican Senators side, and on Brett Kavanaugh's side.

I hadn't planned on watching any of it, I had work to do. I turned the laptop on before 8 am and saw a link to the live hearing, and clicked on it. And at 11 am, I was still in my bathrobe, with a cold cup of coffee sitting next to me, glued to the screen. I had to get out for an appointment so it was time to get dressed and peel myself away from the chair.

A little later I came back and managed to catch the part of the hearing where the prosecutor from Arizona asked Kavanaugh some questions, before they sent her packing.

I have some other blogposts I want to write, like about my 12 hour run last weekend, and my current challenge with having decided to go off statins, but this whole political nightmare has pretty much consumed my focus since the middle of last week. I'll get to those other topics later, but for now...

So much I want to say, but in a way, I don't have the emotional resources to say it now. I am wiped out. This week was so intense, watching the hearings, reliving past events, memories of things coming back that I haven't thought of in forever, many of which stir up anger and resentment even decades later. Some are minor and trivial, others were major and traumatic.

I am where I am. I have chosen to be where I am now. But when I am reminded of the events leading to the ways the course of my life has been altered by male privilege and entitlement and sexism, I go between feeling sick to my stomach and angry and disgusted. Things have not changed that much since the 1980s when I was in college as well. And white male entitlement has not changed much...though it is dying, it won't go out without a fight, as we saw on clear display this past Thursday in front of the entire country.

When I think of the things I experienced and witnessed throughout my life around male entitlement, both the traumatic experiences and the less traumatic but absolutely frustrating and enraging crap, having to endure the attitudes of entitlement, guessing at the rules because they never told you the rules, and constantly resisting and unlearning everything they tried to stuff into our heads about how girls and boys should be...

It's all been said so many times in so many places this week, I don't need to repeat it here. Privileged rich white boy finally runs into accountability- his good ole boy buddies in the Senate try to save him by paying lip service to "hearing" the accusations, but won't change a thing, digging their heels in, until drama ensues...and now we have to wait to see the results of the drama and see if the FBI investigation doesn't get micromanaged in ways that will continue to "protect" the public from the truth, and leading to the lifetime appointment of yet another alumnus of the school of beer-and-dick for brains.

What I am thankful for today are the many men in my life who are not Brett Kavanaughs or Orrin Hatches or Chuck Grassleys or Lindsey Grahams or Joe Kennedys or the other bloviating arrogant aging frat boys who think Kavanaugh deserves this promotion because of what he has between his legs regardless of what he did with it.

And I am thankful that I don't have children of my own who might become the prey of such horrible examples of humanity.

What does make me angry are the women who support this piggish display of male good ole frat boy culture. Makes me think those women are bitter and hurt. That they have never been kind to themselves. That they too have experienced this crap but buried it and did the pull yourself up by your bootstraps number...so they have unhealed wounds and attack other women. I don't know if that's true, but I just don't understand women who think sexual assault is something to take lightly. It makes me think these are the women who raise their boys and girls to be assholes and bullies.

As for Kavanaugh, what an arrogant little shit he was in high school and college, and still is. Not expressing compassion for his accuser in any way. Completely unconcerned with the fact that she is traumatized for life. His wife looks like an abused woman. He looks like an alcoholic, and acts like one in his denial. His juvenile answers to the committee, his lack of self-control in front of the committee and the entire country, who in the hell acts like that except for a spoiled preschooler?

And then there are the trivialities, random memories that came back this week, things that were said and done to me along the way that ranged on the spectrum from disrespectful to earthshattering. And there is a lot more, and worse, that I won't share here. And I won't even begin to talk about the crap I've endured while running. Yeah, #metoo.

• Fuck you you little asshole in the school yard in third grade who attacked me with a tree branch while calling me JewGirl, but I got in trouble for kicking you in the balls. 
• Fuck you little snot-nosed turd in my sixth grade class who told me I was fat, on his way to college at Swarthmore and becoming an attorney.
• Fuck you, asshole hockey player who tried to push his way into my dorm room freshman year.
• Fuck you, forestry professor who asked me if I was there for my MRS degree.
• Fuck you, football and wrestling coaches who wanted me to let their athletes get away with "independent study" to maintain their eligibility for sports instead of doing the real work like the other students. (Funny how the female coaches and female athletes never asked for these entitlements)
• Fuck you, administrators in higher ed and healthcare who wanted me to keep my mouth shut, not ask questions, and put up with your bullshit uneven playing field for women.
• Fuck you, you former frat boys who never matured past your beer-soaked pats on the back unspoken agreements to help each other up the ladder to success while you used our shoulders and our ideas as stepping stones.
• Fuck you, professor Fuck Faces in the 80s and 90s hiring no women professors to act as mentors or examples for us to look up to, so we were stuck with the arrogant pricks who told us things like "Your ideas have no place in our discipline".

Yeah, FUCK YOU.

The fog was therapeutic this morning as I could finally let go of some of the emotions- no one could see my tears or my clenched fists or vocalized rage. But it also made me think, this is how those POWDERs (pasty old white dudes explaining righteously) want us to be- in the fog, unable to see clearly. Keeping the truth from us. Well boys, the fog is burning off. Time's up.

Clear Skies!

I needed to get some miles in this week, but I didn't have a lot of time to plan something. Decided I wanted to get a long run in, but it was easier to split it up into two days. I settled on 50 miles broken up into 30 and 20. That way I didn't have to rest so much or plan- both days could be low key, just a little longer than my normal run.

I woke up super early for some reason on Wednesday and got out the door by 4:45 am to start my 30 miles. I ran for about three hours and watched the sun rise, then came back to the house, got Velcro and Gypsy, and took them for about an hour run, then brought them home so I could finish my miles. All went well, I felt good, and kept a decent pace all morning.

I ran into two people I know at the lake, one is a runner I see often over there since he lives by the lake, and the other was a surgeon who is now retired, but I used to work with him when I worked in ICU. We stopped and talked briefly looking at the lake. He said something about next time there being snow. I'm not quite ready for that, but it will happen soon enough. It sort of feels like an early fall, it's been cool in the mornings and the trees seem to be changing colors earlier than usual. The sky was so clear today, I could see the Indian Peaks south of Longs Peak, which I haven't been able to see all summer, with all the smoke from the fires everywhere.

I got done with the run feeling like it was no different than my usual 10 to 12 miles, got some things done in the afternoon, pulled 40 pounds of grapes from our vines off the stems, ate dinner and went to bed.

This morning I woke up later and took the girls for the first 6 miles of my 20. As we rounded the lake I saw two people walking, a man and a woman, and the man looked somewhat familiar. I saw him look in my direction too, but we ran by and he didn't say anything. I wracked my brain to try to figure out who he was and how I knew him, then it hit me like a lightning bolt- he worked at the hospital too. I remember talking with him as he was often working part of his day in the ICU.

As we turned around to run back toward the lake, they had turned around and were heading toward us. This time we looked at each other and stopped- and yes, it was him. We hugged each other and he introduced me to his friend, who also worked at the hospital. Now they are both retired. He introduced me as "used to be an oncology nurse" and I told him that I still am, briefly told him what I'd been doing since I left the hospital. He's been gone from there about as long as I have been. He said he was glad to see me and also said he's always happy to see people who thrive after leaving that place, and his friend nodded. He said he was really glad to leave such a toxic work environment.

It's funny because now I clearly remember the day I was so pissed off at my boss, who had terrible management skills, and I was ready to tell her to shove it up her ass. I left the hospital crying that day and that night I wrote my letter of resignation. As I was leaving work, I ran into this same person I saw at the lake today, and he gave me a hug then and wished me well. He knew at the time that there was so much bullshit going on in the hospital. I'm glad he got out, too.

I brought the girls back to the house and went out again, first stopping at the donut shop because I was hungry and it was conveniently located. I didn't plan for much running food, so I ate what was easy to find. After that I went south of where I usually run, and made a stop about three miles from home for an ice cream sandwich and cold water, as it was getting hot and my water bottle were getting warm. I felt fine, like I did any old run. I can definitely feel my fitness and endurance have improved since the beginning of the year.

After my treat, I finished my 20 miles, and spent the afternoon making tomato bisque soup from our tomatoes and putting the de-stemmed grapes into plastic bags to freeze so I can make jam in a few weeks when I have time. I'll be doing a little traveling for a while, and then There Goes the Sun 12 hour run is on the day of the Fall Equinox. After that I'll have 3 more months to get ready for Across the Years!

Eighty Miles for an Ice Cream Sandwich

After the Summer DIY mis-adventure, I was feeling a bit frustrated about my progress in running. I needed something challenging that I could do with a minimum of preparation and fuss. I wanted to get 80 miles in 24 hours that day but it was not my day. I decided to fall back on a strategy I used while getting ready for Badwater, which was back to back long days. I decided to do 80 miles split up into two days, which would give me the opportunity to recover between the runs by sleeping a full night, as well as two consecutive days of running, like the 48 hour I am training for, and to avoid worrying about a safe place to run at night, as I would be done before dark, or close to it.

I chose a Friday and Saturday so I didn't use up my whole weekend, and I'd have time to rest on Sunday. I wanted to get some work done in the garden, pick some grapes to make jelly since they were getting ripe fast, and get to the Farmer's Market for green chiles on Sunday. The plan was to run 40 miles each day, for a total of 80. I wanted to get each day's miles in under 12 hours each day if possible. I didn't know how I'd feel and it was supposed to get fairly warm, around 90 degrees. I planned to do out and backs from the house and shorten them up as the day got warmer so I could access the ice for my neck. I also wanted to get a minimum of 6 hours of actual running in for the weekend.

I woke up at 4 am on Friday and got out the door at 4:48. My first stop was at Lamar's donuts to meet the donut Friday group. I figured I'd get a few miles in before I met everyone, run a few with them, and hang out for a short time before going on to get the rest of my miles in. I ate two donuts, one before the group run, and one after. It was nice and cool in the morning and I took advantage of it.

As it got warmer I decided to stop by a convenience store I have been to many times and get an ice cream sandwich. I went in, and they had no ice cream at all! This is after 30 miles of running! I was getting close to the end of my day so I decided finish up closer to my neighborhood and I went to two more different stores, and NO ice cream sandwiches!

I finished up soon after at 2:55 pm, getting my miles in their entirety, with 5 hours of running, and the whole thing in 10:07 which included all the stops. I felt good about that, and I didn't feel tired. I felt like I could have kept going, but I didn't want to be greedy. I wanted to get some good miles in the next day.

I ate dinner, had a beer, got some sleep, and decided to save the ice cream sandwich hunt for the next day.

Saturday morning I woke up early again before my alarm went off. I left the house at 4:55 am, and ran toward the east side of town. About two miles from my house I was near Fort Collins High School, running through a park, and looked up into the sky, which was just barely getting light, and I saw a giant meteor- it looked like a comet! The Perseid meteor showers were that weekend but I had not planned my run around them. I saw a few other sparkles in the sky after that but nothing like the huge flying spectacle I was lucky enough to catch.

I ran a loop around Rigden Reservoir. Looked like someone had quite the party the night before- with fast food trash bags and syringes. The opioid epidemic is here, too. Unless they were someone's insulin syringes, but I doubt it- why would they use so many?

The morning stayed cool and I stuck to the neighborhoods on the east side of town, they had plenty of shade. I didn't even go home until 22 miles to put ice on my neck. But I did stop at the corner of Timberline and Vermont, near the high school, at 15 miles, it was only 8:47 am, but I didn't care- and they had one last ice cream sandwich, just what I was looking for, in the case. The traditional vanilla ice cream between two rectangular chocolate wafers.

I savored every bite of that sandwich and kept going. I was so excited to find the ice cream sandwich that I forgot I needed to buy more cold drinks, so after a short out & back, I had to go back to the gas station again. Good thing I ate the last ice cream sandwich or I would have probably bought another one!

The day got a little warmer than Friday, but I was still making good time. I only ran a little over two hours on Saturday, but it put me over my goal for the weekend as far as running time, by more than an hour. And, I decided to hit the gas station at Lemay and Harmony for another ice cream sandwich around 30 miles. Just as I was headed south on Lemay about a half mile before I got there, I got a text from my friend Serena.

She and her boyfriend Colin were out shopping, saw ice cream sandwiches, and thought of me, and they decided to find me and deliver one to me! They caught up with me right around 31 miles and I got to indulge in another delicious perfect treat. Serena and Colin are moving to Reno next week, which I am sad about, but very happy for them, because they have a great opportunity there.

It was warm the last few miles but I was still feeling good. I made it home at 3:17 pm, after 10:22 on my feet including all breaks. I could feel my feet a little, but I still felt good and had plenty of energy.

But mostly I was happy to have made my goals for the weekend, without any trouble, and exceeded my expectations. I was worried about being so unfit and not ready for my plans to train for the 48 hour at Across the Years, but this run put my mind at ease and I feel so much better.

I had plenty of energy left on Sunday to do all the chores- I peeled and packaged and froze a bushel of green chiles, I picked 20 pounds of grapes, and a ton of tomatoes, made a pizza with sauce from those tomatoes, and felt like the training is finally paying off.

It is really hard to come back from a break- much more so than it was even 5 or 10 years ago. I can feel the difference my age makes. But I've been persistent for a year now, and I feel I am finally getting some of the endurance back. Speed will come later as I choose to work on it- I'm not looking to get fast, I just want to do some more intense workouts to help build my strength and be able to hold a faster pace for longer. Just for ultras. And that's not really speed. It's just for running more comfortably at a little faster pace than my current 11 minute mile average.

I did go to boxing on Monday and I got so sore. I expected to bounce back from the weekend, but I don't know why I thought that. I was tired. I ended up taking Tuesday off and this morning, Wednesday, I ran the girls 6.5 miles early in the day and found my legs pretty sore afterward. I'm no spring chicken.

But I am happy now. I have Marissa's 12 hour run- There Goes The Sun- coming up next month. And then I'll have 3 more months to train for the 48 hour. I can finally say I'm looking forward to the training. And with the cooler weather, hopefully there will be more ice cream sandwiches available...

Summer Blogging Challenge

My friend Nancy Stordahl is one of my favorite bloggers and she always posts things that get me thinking. She writes a blog about breast cancer and loss. She provides the inspiration for many of my posts, here and in the oncology nursing articles I write. This time she has asked a dozen questions for a blogging challenge to share with readers and other bloggers. If you're new to this blog you can learn a little more about me and my blog.

Here are the questions and answers:
1. How long have you been blogging (or reading blogs)?

I started blogging in January 2008. I've been reading blogs since before that, but my decision to finally run Badwater after dreaming of it for years got me going on this blog, and I haven't stopped blogging since.

2. How has your blog changed?

It has changed from the main topic being running ultras to a variety of things I'm passionate about. I still blog about ultras, but I don't compete or race as often as I used to. For me it's more about getting out and enjoying being outdoors and moving, and the spiritual, mental, and physical benefits (probably in that order, too!) I get from it. I write a lot about nurse advocacy and healthcare, cancer, as well as politics and my own thought processes while I'm out there moving forward on my feet. I like speaking my mind and every so often I've pissed someone off with what I write, which tells me I'm doing it well.

3. What is your biggest blogging challenge/frustration?

Having enough time and energy to write the posts when so much of what I do for work involves writing. It's hard sometimes to want to write for fun, and often I want to write something, but I can't bring myself to sit on my butt for any more hours.

4. What is your favorite post that you’ve written (or read)?

My favorite posts that I've written have to be the series I wrote about Badwater- my first time running it, my second time running it as a double, and my experiences on the medical team and what I learned. Also, the "So ya think ya want to run Badwater" has been the most viewed post. As far as reading blogposts, the old classic from Larry Gassan about people whining at ultras has to be my favorite all time post- it's funny and timeless.

5. What are your goals for your blog?

To convey what goes on in my mind when I get out there and do long miles on my feet. To show the thought processes that result from running ultras, and how they support my mental and spiritual health, and creativity. And I hope it shows other people that it's okay to be different and think differently from the mainstream.

6. How many blogs do you read on a regular basis?

Wow. I couldn't even count them, but my favorite blogs range in content from healthcare, cancer, politics, news and current events, nursing, food, and miscellaneous interesting topics I find randomly. I read at least several blogposts a day.

7. How do you determine what to share and what not to share; in other words, do you have blog boundaries? (or comment boundaries)

I have to be careful when it comes to healthcare and cancer, just to protect the privacy of people, and I don't want to post anything embarrassing to someone when it comes to any topic. But I don't hold my feelings back.

8. When things get hard, what keeps you blogging?

Knowing there are readers who have stuck with me and do read my posts. A lot of times they comment to me personally via email or in person if they live nearby, or on Facebook, instead of in the comment section, so I know they are reading. And there are followers out there who I find out about- who don't list themselves as followers in the Google sense of the word. Sometimes it can take me months to finally catch up on a topic, but I do get around to it. While I was writing my book that was the hardest time to keep blogging, since the book was published, I have been better about keeping up with the blog.

9. What is your biggest Cancer Land pet peeve today, right now, this minute?

People who treat cancer like it's a race or sporting event. When they tell a person with cancer "you got this!" or "keep fighting" or the other cliches from CancerLand. Who are they to say these things? I know they mean well, but they sound so stupid. Like a cheerleader with pink pom-poms. How do they know the person has "got this"? How do they know "fighting" is going to help? It's like they have this back channel to a divine power who assures them that their friend with cancer is going to be okay? I am sure the person's family and oncologist would like to know that too... I hear it so often, it just gets really tiresome. That's one of the things I wish they would read my book for- to understand that there are better ways to support people with cancer, and to learn something real and useful about cancer before they are faced with it, in themselves or someone close to them, so they can be part of the solution, instead of exacerbating the problem and giving false hope because it makes them feel better about their own fears.

That probably sounds judgmental and harsh but that's how I experience that social phenomenon.

10. What one piece of advice would you offer to a new blogger?

Do it, write what you want, don't worry how you sound. Your readers will find you and you'll attract a following. Just keep at it. If people don't like it, they don't have to read it.

11. Share something most people do not know about you. A secret sort of thing.

When I'm not out running, my favorite thing to do is be home with my dogs and just hanging out. I'd rather do that than be around other people.

12. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

Playing with my dogs and scratching their bellies, gardening, cooking, hanging out with Dennis (my husband) and photographing scenery and landscapes, in hopes that someday I'll get motivated to paint in pastels again.