Strength and Vulnerability, A Two-Edged Sword

This is a tribute to our ultra friend Matt Watts, who died last Friday, and to my extended ultra family.

I’m writing this with love and concern, to clarify and remind, and to encourage everyone to keep on going. He left behind his partner in crime and wife Anne. She has always been at the events with him, a strong ultrarunner herself, and a great support not only to Matt, but a great friend and kind soul to everyone who knows her. I wish there was something, anything- that could comfort her right now.

Ultrarunning is that two-edged sword- at the same time as it makes us physically strong and mentally resilient, it can put us at risk. Especially as we get older.

Matt was a veteran ultrarunner. His sense of humor, spontaneously funny remarks, Cheshire Cat grin and “Matt in the Hat”, as I came to think of him, were a welcome fixture at so many ultras.

Matt used to sneak up behind me when he’d lap me at Across the Years and bark. LOUD. Scaring the crap out of me, even though I should have been expecting it.

Matt was trying to get 100 100 milers. He came very close- his 95th was his last.

Trying to explain what happened in plain English

People are asking me what happened. Since I wasn’t there, I don’t know exactly, I can only tell what I think I understood and try to piece a puzzle together. On Matt’s last ultra, apparently he fell and broke some ribs. I don’t even know if that’s what caused his quick demise.

I'm not sure if it was the broken ribs, a resulting pneumonia, or some other cause of the infection that eventually took him down, but Matt didn’t realize how sick he was. I don’t know if he had some underlying immune system issue, or another illness that had not been diagnosed, or if it was just his pain tolerance or willingness to endure discomfort past the point where he needed to seek help.

I do know that at age 62 our bodies don’t bounce back the way they used to at age 25 or 40. But that might not have been a major factor here. Maybe it was a complete fluke. Maybe he was just tired and worn down from consecutive ultras, or maybe his immune system was a bit weak from several years of running a lot of ultras. Maybe Matt had a blood cancer or another illness that weakened his immune system and he didn’t know it. Probably not, but we will never know. It doesn’t matter now.

I’ve seen it wrongly described as “he contracted sepsis”. No. I’ll try to explain the medical jargon in plain English. Sepsis is an advanced stage of infection, where the body’s ability to fight it off is less than the strength of the infectious process. It’s not something you can “catch”- it’s a consequence of an infectious process.

He had some kind of infection that progressed until it overwhelmed his immune system, resulting in sepsis. Sepsis has the ability to eat you alive from the inside, because it damages the most vulnerable organs- kidneys, gut, brain, heart, lungs. In Matt’s case it ate his heart valve. Sounds like they had no choice but to replace it. That’s a risky thing even in an otherwise healthy person, and with other complications it’s one of those life-or-death decisions.

Sepsis does funny things to your blood- it can cause little solid pieces of debris floating in the blood- septic emboli- that can travel to small blood vessels and clog them up- leading to death of the organ tissue. Or it can cause a state called DIC- disseminated intravascular coagulation- where your blood clots too much at the same time as it doesn’t clot enough, causing uncontrollable bleeding, or forming clots that travel to plug tiny vessels in organs just like the septic emboli do.

They replaced his heart valve to try to save his life- but the risk was that he could have a stroke or other organ damage. And that is exactly what happened in the days following, first a small stroke, then another huge one, from which he wasn’t coming back.

Again, I don't know the exact details but I am making an educated guess, to try to clarify for people who want to understand because it's part of their grieving process.

Now

Anne will need our support and while we need to respect her grief, we also need to remind her that we are here, and that we always will be here, and then follow through on that.

What I am saying here is not at all criticism of anything Matt did or didn’t do, he was living life fully and doing what he loved. I think that is the better route for all of us. But with advancing age and declining immune function, you are simply at a higher risk of something going wrong. It’s part of life.

I would have done the same- pursuing my goal, as he did. And I will continue to chase my own goals as I go forward.

What I wish to share with the running community is that our bodies are fragile, and more so as we age- we do need to remember that extreme endurance events can take their toll on us if we don’t allow ourselves to recover. We might feel okay, we might think we’re recovered, but unless we take a look inside our bodies at the cellular level (which is not really practical), and look at the components of our blood (which is pretty easy to do with a simple blood test called a CBC with differential), we can’t really know.

Just remember that we can’t take our health or our lives for granted. A good reason to keep on pursuing our goals, but also listening to our bodies. Sometimes our bodies don’t whisper loudly enough, or sometimes we forget how to listen.

Facing Death

Death truly is a part of life and all of us will die eventually. The best thing we can do is to live each day fully, work toward our dreams, have as much fun as possible, be a force for good and give as much love to others we possibly can.

Facing death is part of a healthy life- psychologically and emotionally, it doesn’t make it easier, but it does make you stronger and more resilient, and perhaps healthier overall. People who have a healthy attitude toward death tend to move through grief with fewer long-term physical and mental health consequences.

Facing death also means not forgetting those who were left behind, not avoiding them, letting them know you care and enjoying the memories when the time is right.

Avoiding death and emotion doesn’t mean you’re strong, in fact, just the opposite. Denying a universal reality does us no good. It’s coming for all of us. We do the best we can to live our best days, and then we need to step right up to it, look it in the eyes, run through the finish line without fear, realizing that it only means we will have arrived at the start of the next ultra.

And here's one thing you can do right now. Make your wishes known. Complete your advance directives- medical power of attorney, living will, and other documents- now. It's a gift to your loved ones to make things easier for them if they have to make decisions for you when you can't, in a time when they will surely be extremely distressed.

Moving forward

Matt’s sudden departure has made me re-think my own priorities and preparations, perhaps tweaking some things in my own advance directives that I could make more specific. And thinking about the real meaning of where I am in my life and what I’m doing. And what I hope is still ahead of me that I cannot take for granted. But mostly, to make sure I enrich my life to the fullest by strengthening my connections to the people I value most.

I'll miss Matt.

Summer Blogging Challenge

My friend Nancy Stordahl is one of my favorite bloggers and she always posts things that get me thinking. She writes a blog about breast cancer and loss. She provides the inspiration for many of my posts, here and in the oncology nursing articles I write. This time she has asked a dozen questions for a blogging challenge to share with readers and other bloggers. If you're new to this blog you can learn a little more about me and my blog.

Here are the questions and answers:
1. How long have you been blogging (or reading blogs)?

I started blogging in January 2008. I've been reading blogs since before that, but my decision to finally run Badwater after dreaming of it for years got me going on this blog, and I haven't stopped blogging since.

2. How has your blog changed?

It has changed from the main topic being running ultras to a variety of things I'm passionate about. I still blog about ultras, but I don't compete or race as often as I used to. For me it's more about getting out and enjoying being outdoors and moving, and the spiritual, mental, and physical benefits (probably in that order, too!) I get from it. I write a lot about nurse advocacy and healthcare, cancer, as well as politics and my own thought processes while I'm out there moving forward on my feet. I like speaking my mind and every so often I've pissed someone off with what I write, which tells me I'm doing it well.

3. What is your biggest blogging challenge/frustration?

Having enough time and energy to write the posts when so much of what I do for work involves writing. It's hard sometimes to want to write for fun, and often I want to write something, but I can't bring myself to sit on my butt for any more hours.

4. What is your favorite post that you’ve written (or read)?

My favorite posts that I've written have to be the series I wrote about Badwater- my first time running it, my second time running it as a double, and my experiences on the medical team and what I learned. Also, the "So ya think ya want to run Badwater" has been the most viewed post. As far as reading blogposts, the old classic from Larry Gassan about people whining at ultras has to be my favorite all time post- it's funny and timeless.

5. What are your goals for your blog?

To convey what goes on in my mind when I get out there and do long miles on my feet. To show the thought processes that result from running ultras, and how they support my mental and spiritual health, and creativity. And I hope it shows other people that it's okay to be different and think differently from the mainstream.

6. How many blogs do you read on a regular basis?

Wow. I couldn't even count them, but my favorite blogs range in content from healthcare, cancer, politics, news and current events, nursing, food, and miscellaneous interesting topics I find randomly. I read at least several blogposts a day.

7. How do you determine what to share and what not to share; in other words, do you have blog boundaries? (or comment boundaries)

I have to be careful when it comes to healthcare and cancer, just to protect the privacy of people, and I don't want to post anything embarrassing to someone when it comes to any topic. But I don't hold my feelings back.

8. When things get hard, what keeps you blogging?

Knowing there are readers who have stuck with me and do read my posts. A lot of times they comment to me personally via email or in person if they live nearby, or on Facebook, instead of in the comment section, so I know they are reading. And there are followers out there who I find out about- who don't list themselves as followers in the Google sense of the word. Sometimes it can take me months to finally catch up on a topic, but I do get around to it. While I was writing my book that was the hardest time to keep blogging, since the book was published, I have been better about keeping up with the blog.

9. What is your biggest Cancer Land pet peeve today, right now, this minute?

People who treat cancer like it's a race or sporting event. When they tell a person with cancer "you got this!" or "keep fighting" or the other cliches from CancerLand. Who are they to say these things? I know they mean well, but they sound so stupid. Like a cheerleader with pink pom-poms. How do they know the person has "got this"? How do they know "fighting" is going to help? It's like they have this back channel to a divine power who assures them that their friend with cancer is going to be okay? I am sure the person's family and oncologist would like to know that too... I hear it so often, it just gets really tiresome. That's one of the things I wish they would read my book for- to understand that there are better ways to support people with cancer, and to learn something real and useful about cancer before they are faced with it, in themselves or someone close to them, so they can be part of the solution, instead of exacerbating the problem and giving false hope because it makes them feel better about their own fears.

That probably sounds judgmental and harsh but that's how I experience that social phenomenon.

10. What one piece of advice would you offer to a new blogger?

Do it, write what you want, don't worry how you sound. Your readers will find you and you'll attract a following. Just keep at it. If people don't like it, they don't have to read it.

11. Share something most people do not know about you. A secret sort of thing.

When I'm not out running, my favorite thing to do is be home with my dogs and just hanging out. I'd rather do that than be around other people.

12. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

Playing with my dogs and scratching their bellies, gardening, cooking, hanging out with Dennis (my husband) and photographing scenery and landscapes, in hopes that someday I'll get motivated to paint in pastels again.

Pre-Peep Season and Marathon Man

The weather is still undecided about whether it wants to be spring. After hitting close to 70 degrees this afternoon, it cooled down and got windy. I don't care what the weather gods say, I'm moving forward.

I have two packages of Peeps in the woman cave, waiting to be opened. Iris and Isabelle found them and were sniffing the cellophane wrapping today as I worked out there.

Tomorrow we go to the vet for their annual checkup, vaccinations, heartworm test, check on Isabelle's arthritis and Iris's teeth, and then when we get home, I will open the Peeps. Hopefully that will be my redemption for taking them to the vet, which they hate. Isabelle usually trembles and hides behind my legs or under the chair the whole time, and Iris tries to protect her sister even though she's trembling herself.

So tomorrow I will have to come up with some form of Peep entertainment for the girls, to make everything okay again, post vet visit. I'm considering a Peep wreath this year. If I'd thought of it earlier, I could have found some green peeps and used them for today.

Sunday I had another great workout on the track, getting ready for Cornbelt. I need to get some time in on the track curves. I had the track mostly to myself except for the last hour. I did 20 miles in lane 2, running 8 laps and walking one lap, until I was done. I was surprised there weren't more people out there but I was thankful for it. When I first arrived, Crazy Backwards Running Lady was there, but she was about done with her workout, and she left soon after I started. Then a couple showed up, I see them at the track every time I'm there. They must walk there every day. They stay in the outer lanes and are always friendly.

I got going on my workout, starting out at a slow pace, about my 24 hour race pace, but running gradually faster with every 2 mile interval. By the last half I was running solidly and well under 9 minute pace. About 14 miles into my workout another runner showed up on the track. He looked like he was probably in his late 50s to 60 years old, looked like a former hard core runner, skinny body, legs without a trace of fat on them, gray hair and scruffy beard, wearing old, short (circa 1980s) running shorts and a late model Boston Marathon jacket.

Something about this guy told me he was really proud of that jacket. Maybe it was the way he avoided eye contact with me after I walked my 9th lap as he started his warmup, so he probably pegged me for a walker/potential nuisance jogger to get in the way of his sacred Yasso 800s, or who knows. I had my earbuds in place listening to hard core trance music. All I know is, I said hi to him as he jogged by me and he said nothing. Anyway, he had the look.

As he was doing his warmup laps with strides thrown in, I was back to my running, which by then was around 9 minute pace. I cruised past him easily when he slowed down between strides, but he passed me back, as soon as he got back to his warmup pace. I continued at my steady, trance-fueled pace dipping down into the 8:30s and finished my 2 mile interval, and it was getting warm, so I took off my fleece jacket I had been wearing all morning. I still had a good 4 1/2 miles to go. I got back on the track and did my walk lap, and launched into my next 2 mile interval.

I observed Marathon man as he did his intervals, he appeared to actually be doing 800s, and he was moving pretty good for a guy his age. Probably close to 6 minute pace. I kept on my steady pace, and a couple of times as he was recovering and catching his breath, walking backward on the track after finishing his intervals, I noticed him staring at me, as if he was trying to figure out what I was doing. I kept my game face on and pounded out the laps to my music.

I was on my last 2 mile interval and saw him staring at me again, then I realized he was trying to read my shirt. I was wearing my Oklahoma Ultrarunning tshirt from 24 the Hard Way from a couple of years ago underneath my old Across the Years fleece jacket that day. When I finished, I walked a last cooldown lap on the track before going home, he was finally able to read my shirt and that time, he made eye contact and gave me a nod, as if he had finally accepted my presence on the track, as a legitimate athlete doing a legitimate workout.

Who knows, I'm probably completely wrong with all of this but it sure was funny to watch his reaction and see his face when he read my shirt. I imagined him thinking, There really are people out there who can run longer than 26.2 miles. They really exist. I just saw one. And...some of them are middle-aged women with gray hair.

If I had been wearing my Team PearlIzumi workout attire that day, who knows what he might have done. Introduced himself? Said "Hi"? Bowed down and kissed my feet?

Back in the days when Dennis was still running competitively, it always blew me away, the geeky runners who would act like he was some kind of running god, they would approach him so carefully, like talking to him was a once in a lifetime privilege, for which they would gladly pay large sums of money, and if Dennis had said, "Kiss My Feet for I am a running god and you are beneath me" they would have puckered up and bent over.

The way they got all nervous, you would think Dennis was going to ask them for their running credentials before he'd give them the time of day. As if he'd say to his agent, "Tell them I only speak to people with a 10K PR under 32 minutes".

It was just an interesting observation of human behavior in the subculture of running. Dennis is the nicest most unassuming guy you'd ever meet, he'd be more likely to talk to the last place finisher than the guy who finished ahead of him or behind him, and he never even had an agent.

Anyway I just have to laugh at runners because I forget, the ultra world is so different, and then I get around some of the road racing world and it can be a whole different experience. Culture shock.

Well I hope marathon man runs his sub 3 hour marathon at Boston in April because that's about what his Yasso workout would predict. Even if he runs 3:30, it's impressive for an old geezer, I sure couldn't do it or come close.

But I hope he learned something, by sharing the track with me, watching me run 2 mile intervals with my eyes focused ahead of me, between the lines, running a steady pace for 3 hours, systematically clicking off the miles in my relaxed trance-like state.

Maybe when he's hurting in those final miles, he can flash back to that day on the track, and remember that there are some people out there who keep going beyond the finish line, and that 26.2 miles is just the warmup.

But since he didn't even say a word to me, I doubt he even considers it. Probably doesn't even cross his mind, and he probably doesn't even care.

But it kept me entertained. Whatever mental games it takes to get through multiple laps on the track.

Different world.

The Big Freeze on Badwater

The new superintendent of Death Valley National Park decided to do a safety review of all events in the park. This includes cycling and running events, including the Badwater 135.

So there will be no Badwater on the original course or anywhere in the park in 2014. The event will happen this year, 2014, on an alternate course near Lone Pine, until the National Park Service completes their review...

See the Adventure Corps statement about this.

What is sad about the decision to do a safety review is that it was not based on any particular incident. In a time when so many people worship the couch and their cell phones, why do we have to make it difficult for those who want to move and experience the landscape, fresh air, natural beauty, and push themselves to their limits?

The race has supported the Death Valley Natural History Association, pumped millions of dollars into the local economy, supported numerous charities, and become a classic of sorts in the ultrarunning community. Chris Kostman, the race director, has maintained a stellar relationship with the government entities involved, along with his safety record.

Chris takes pains to ensure that runners are safe, enforces the most stringent rules I've ever seen in any ultra, and provides a full group of trained medical staff to be available throughout the race course. He doesn't skimp on volunteers. He runs it as a responsible business, not out of greed, but out of respect: for the park, the regulations, the runners, the sport, the environment, the experience.

Anyway, I cannot say enough good things about the Badwater 135 and I sincerely hope that the decision of the Park Service will be to allow this event to continue into the future.

I am glad I had the chance to do it when I did. I am also glad I had the chance to be on the medical team for 3 years and be a small part of the reason for the success of the race.

I hope they will consider the evidence, and see how well this race has been managed, and decide to grant permits in the future without making it too difficult to hold the event in terms of expense and regulations, and other hoops to jump through.

Never take anything for granted.

There are many growing pains for the sport of ultrarunning. You can't expect things to always stay the same, the sport has evolved and exploded, which I see as mostly a good thing. But we need to remember the impact we have on natural areas, trails, wildlife, other humans, and so on.

In a time when so many things are influenced by politics, power and money, ultrarunning usually offers a reprieve from all that. But that's not to say those factors don't hover closely overhead.

I encourage my blog readers to write in support of Badwater 135's future.

Please scroll all the way down on the page I linked to at the top of this post to see the list of entities to write to: California's Senators, Congressman from the appropriate district, and the Secretary of the Interior.

If you feel strongly about the future of this event, especially if you have experienced Death Valley's beauty, please read what has been written on the website to lay out your arguments in favor of the future of the event, and include what this event means to you, how it has added value to your life and those around you.

Thank you.

The text of my letter in support of the Badwater event can be seen here.