Looking Ahead

Our back yard looks empty. I’m mourning the loss of our beautiful cherry tree in the middle of the yard. It took a hit a year and a half ago, the same morning we left for the Florida Keys a heavy wet late spring snowstorm cracked one of the big limbs.

We cut that down and left the rest of the tree, but last week our heavy wet fall snowstorm broke the remaining limbs and it wasn’t going to survive. I’ll plant something in its place, probably a fruit tree of some type, when the time is right. I'll miss the cherry blossoms in the spring, and the shade.

I’ve been in a sort of half-funk lately. I’m not depressed but I feel somehow at loose ends. I think it’s finally starting to catch up with me, the fact that I have no immediate running goals and that huge part of my life’s focus is really blurry right now.

I’ve been filling the time with domestic projects, which is nice, cleaning out and organizing all the junk and making room for other things. I have made a goal to study for my oncology certification exam over the coming year. And I’m looking forward to the completion of the woman cave.

I haven’t been running with anyone else, I’m not ready to do anything where I take the focus off how my ankle is doing yet. And I haven’t been in the mood for sharing that time with anyone else, either.

I’m having to not only physically guard myself, but somehow I feel the need to keep my thoughts and mental processes to myself and to positive things while running. I’m unable to listen to anybody else’s stuff. Once I am more confident that I can run with a free mind, without the little nagging voice reminding me of my ankle, it will be easier to be around others, for now, I’m in self-protection mode.

I have made it to an hour of running, it doesn’t hurt while I run, but before I warm up in the morning, my ankle is slightly stiff. It’s not painful, but it reminds me that it’s there. I keep taking days off whenever I feel like it, but I’m sort of pushing it with that. I’ve taken a lot more days off the past 2 weeks than I really needed to.

It’s a luxury right now being able to do that, but there is some little gear grinding in the back reaches of my brain that is nagging at me to get off my butt and get moving more consistently. The weather doesn’t help, we’ve had snow, ice, and are expecting more in the coming week. I’m going to Arizona for a few days, maybe the sunshine and warmth will help my attitude and my ankle.

One thing I did do this week, I finally finished reading my copy of Running on Empty by Marshall Ulrich, and I’m planning to write a complete blogpost on that, sort of a personal review, wrapped into my own perspective.

I started reading it months ago, while I was training for my Badwater double, but was too tired, focused, and reluctant to read further at that point. Now that I’ve finished reading it, I’m really glad I waited until now, because I don’t think I could have thought about the book or appreciated it in the same way if I read it earlier this year, before I did my double crossing.

More about that later. The sun is up. I really need to get out and run today.

Return of the RPB...

What a weird week this has been. The sunshine finally came back this afternoon, but it's not forcing me out the door yet.

We got our first snow yesterday and it was one of those heavy, wet storms that splits trees and wreaks havoc in all kinds of ways. We were without power for a while, our maple tree took a hit, and our cherry tree is now flopped over in the back yard and we'll have to cut it down.

I woke up yesterday morning, needing to go to work for a staff meeting, and found big tree limbs down in front of our front door. I had to climb over everything. Then once I managed to get to the car and push the 6 or so inches of heavy, wet snow off, I discovered two huge cracks in my windshield. Then I saw our neighbors' house. We didn't fare too badly compared to them- their huge old cottonwood was half down, leaning against their garage and new roof. They moved all their cars during the night.

On my way to work, I had to go a different route because the way I normally go was blocked by downed tree limbs. Afterwards I had a dentist appointment, which fortunately was just a cleaning, nothing else needed.

This morning I had to go to a class at work, mandatory training for all nurses on the new AEDs we're getting. I had signed up for a class earlier this week, on Monday morning before my work shift, but spaced it out. I had to sign up again and this was the only time available that I could make. So I dragged myself out of bed and when I went out in the 18 degree morning to warm up my car, the locks were frozen. CRAP!

I have never had frozen locks before- or not in my recent memory. Not with this car, anyway. I looked at the clock. I had just enough time to put my running shoes on and run to work. But I really didn't want to run to work, so I decided to keep trying with the car. My employee badge was in there too, so I might have a hard time getting in the building. I was pissed.

Finally, some miracle happened and I got one of the doors open. The sun wasn't up yet to warm things up, there was a fog sitting on us. Maybe the universe was afraid of the wrath, feeling the threat of a forthcoming hormonal rage, which could likely have happened if my doors didn't open within another 5 minutes.

I went in, attended the class, and stuck around afterwards to get my annual TB mask fit test, something we all have to do. Dani took a picture of me in my Spongebob outfit for the test.

I had originally cancelled a haircut appointment because of my goof-up with the AED class. But I got done with class and the TB mask test in time, so I called to see if I could reschedule, and I was in luck- my appointment time was still available.

I went in and asked the woman who always cuts my hair if she could take a lot more off than usual, and thin it out. I proceeded to get the worst haircut imaginable. It really was my fault, I wanted less hair- my hair is super thick and when it gets long I feel like I'm carrying an extra 10 pounds on my head. My hair grows fast, fortunately. But right now I look like I have a mop on my head. It truly is awful- maybe I should go get it shaved. I'm going to have to pin it up in different places and tie it back for at least the next 6 weeks, until it grows out enough to figure out what to do next.

Some days make you want to go home and crawl under the covers. Forget the running plans. I came home from the haircut, did yoga, took a shower, and now I'm going to drink a glass of wine and crawl under the covers and maybe take a nap. Maybe when I wake up my hair will give me inspiration for a new Halloween costume?

Nite...

Alene as Spongebob

This is what we nurses have to do every year to get our TB mask fit tests.

Thinking

I've been busy with more "stuff" I chose to do. Some is busy work, some is for fun. I've been working on projects around the house, trying to organize and clean out junk before winter.

Only a few days left of this gorgeous fall weather we've been having until the seasonal reality kicks in. Next week we might see our first snow this year. That's okay, I'm ready for it.

I have backed off on the bike, and running is steady but I'm not up to an hour yet. That could happen this weekend if all goes well.

I have things on my mind, other than running.

Last night I spoke at a cancer support group about the role of the nurse in care of the oncology patient. It was odd to be speaking about something other than running. It takes me out of my comfort zone. I spoke about what nurses do, how we are trained, and how oncology patients can get the most out of their time spent with the nurse. We have access to so much information and so many resources, but many patients don't know to ask about those things.

I think it went fairly well, though I felt somewhat nervous up there, talking about something I've only been doing for 5 years, and especially oncology nursing, which I've only been doing for 15 months.

The discussion at the end of the talk was lively. There is so much frustration among patients with certain aspects of healthcare in general. They are not frustrated with the nurses themselves, but with the flow of information and communication among providers, and not just physicians. There are so many gaps to fill, and nurses can do our part by being thorough in each interaction with a patient, but there are so many other interactions between patients and health care providers that we can't control.



As a result, nurses often end up picking up the pieces and filling in the cracks where we can. Our job is to make sure no one drops the ball when it comes to a patient's care, but we can only do that when we know something is missing- we have to discover it ourselves or hear it from the patient, and often we hear it from the patient too late. The health care system in this country has failed patients who have access to it in so many instances by providing inadequate and inconsistent information, that patients don't know where to turn.

What I didn't talk about last night was that the complaint I hear so often from nurses that the nursing profession itself is failing nurses. So many nurses are physically and emotionally unhealthy because of their working conditions and powerlessness to change them. They get frustrated and give up. How many obese nurses have you seen? I see a lot. Every day. Ever wonder why that is? Then look at the general public.

Nurses don't have a powerful organization lobbying for them. Physicians have the AMA. Nurses have the ANA, which is barely a whisper in comparison. It really isn't doing any justice to nurses who actually work in direct patient care. In nursing, to begin at the bottom, nurse education and nursing employment paradigms, need as much of an overhaul as health care in general does, along with our political system. What does that have to do with obese nurses?

Our country is failing- our leaders and our political system have failed us. They allow the powerful wealthy interests to dictate how things are run, not in the best interest of the people they are failing to serve. We have an oligarchy. And we are seeing the obesity that results from oligarchy. What do I mean by that?

Obesity is just one symptom of all of this. Keep the people in a fat and sedentary food and electronic gadget coma, keep them tired and busy and commuting and help them to be slaves to their objects so they won't have energy to stay sharp and fit, or to fight or even care. This helps to minimize their leisure time, and minimize their sleep. Minimize their energy and time to prepare, cook, and eat healthy food. A hamburger with french fries is much quicker to eat than a salad if you only have a 30 minute break in a 13+ hour day.



I wish nurses could be examples of healthy living for their patients. I wish people would change their lifestyles before they become patients in the healthcare system. I wish I wish I wish...and I feel powerless, even though I try on a daily basis to exemplify these things.

I've been watching the Occupy Wall Street movement from a skeptical distance but I can't help thinking that people are getting closer to the point where they are finally realizing that their apathy is costing them more than the risks of taking action do, and I believe that is precisely where we need to be going if we are ever going to save ourselves from destruction. Look at the puppets we supposedly send to Washington to represent us. Have they done anything for you lately? Keeping people divided and spreading misinformation is exactly how the powers-that-be, the oligarchs, want things to be in order to keep things going in their favor so they can retain power and wealth.

This isn't a blog about nursing or politics so I won't go any further here. I have so many thoughts on how nursing needs to change as a profession. And how health care needs to change. But it's just part of the bigger picture that has been eroding for a long time. Real people, every day, need to take responsibility for changing it. That's what I'm thinking about today.

A Real Run

I did my longest run yet in the 2 weeks I've been running again, 40 minutes. I feel like I took 10 years off my body, or I'm running in someone else's body.

I have started to drop a little weight, just 4 pounds so far but I can feel it in my clothes and I have a little less to pinch around my waist.

Running feels a lot easier than it did before. I feel like a runner again, my legs turn over so much more easily, I feel like my posture is better, and my form is better. I didn't realize how tired I was before. My pace is faster without even trying.

This weekend we had our first taste of real fall weather and it was refreshing- it rained and was cold yesterday. I didn't even force myself out to go run in it. I did yoga instead.

Then I spent the rest of the day cleaning out my junk, I have two closets that were full of stuff, unorganized chaos that was expanding by the day. I pulled everything out- running gear, art supplies, books, dust, dog hairballs, and I vacuumed and dusted and got rid of stuff, I can walk in my bedroom closet again, and it felt so good!

I was thinking on my run today, that I am learning a lot from this break, more than I thought. First, I am enjoying having a life again. I don't feel like I have to get out there and put the miles in or run at a certain effort.

But what is more important is that I am realizing how much better my body feels with the cross training and different activities. I am so much more flexible- I feel it when I get out of bed in the morning. I used to hobble around like an old lady, my calves, achilles, hamstrings and glutes would be so tight in the morning that I'd walk around stiff until I took a hot shower. Now I take that first step out of bed in the morning and I don't have to shuffle around, my ankles bend the way they are supposed to.

The other thing I'm finding is that the stress of training so many miles and so slowly was not so good for my weight- I think a combination of being so tired all the time and working at such low intensity made it hard to burn calories and eat the right amount. Now I'm not hungry all the time and I'm able to get through the day without having to eat every couple of hours.

I love doing long runs and there are more adventures I'd like to do. When I'm ready.

Thought for the Day

We all could use one.

Earlier this week I was in low spirits. Not sure if it's the shorter days, sometimes I hit a speed bump around this time of year. But the weather has been spectacular, and I'm enjoying a lot of things every day now. There's nothing particularly stressful going on, but whatever it was, it was hitting me hard. Wednesday I forced myself out on the bike when I didn't feel like going. I felt somewhat better afterwards, but it wasn't enough.

Thursday I felt better, and got out for a nice ride toward Greeley and back. When I got home, I talked on the phone to a long time friend who just found out her dad has metastatic cancer- it's everywhere, they're not even sure where it originated, but he won't be with us much longer. We talked for a long time, we have shared a lot over the years and one thing we have in common is that we both have a strong attachment to our fathers. We talked about quality of life and making the most of the time that's left.

Then I remembered it was the night that the cancer support group meets. There's been a lot of visibility for the topic of cancer, it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It also happens to be my sister's 5 year anniversary since her diagnosis. She is doing great. I went to the support group and being around everyone and listening to them always gives me a boost.

But this morning I was barely awake, sipping my coffee, and saw that our local paper was pink! I rolled my eyes. Oh please, spare us the pink frenzy. It's really hard to read the print against a pink background!

There was a great article about a local cancer survivor in today's paper and I think they more than redeemed themselves for the pink insult to our eyes by printing this article.

I'm very supportive of the efforts to support cancer survivors, to prevent, treat, and eliminate cancer as a life threatening disease, and all the great organizations out there working toward this common goal.

And I also support and believe in living life one day at a time and not getting caught up in the unimportant things. I do my best to live my life like that, and I'm nowhere near perfect, but I am getting better at it.

I am feeling so much better today.

Meet the Frackers

Dennis just got home from a work-related trip to Florida. I had a bad week while he was gone. For some reason this past week I was in a bad place, just super irritable and then feeling crabby and hormonal. I didn't sleep much while he was gone, and that never helps. Finally I got caught up on my sleep and felt much better this morning.

So now I feel energetic and a little snarky.

Today we went for a bike ride along the Windsor-Greeley section of the Poudre Trail. Dennis had never been on it before so I took him out there to see the scenic part, and we turned around before the ugly part.















Dennis was noticing all the oil tanks out there, and the number of huge homes sprouting up along the bike path near Greeley.











We were wondering, who would be living in and building such huge monstrosities, in this economy, and in Greeley of all places, and with poison ivy in their back yards.

Serendipitously, this morning there was an article in the Denver Post about the frackers.

Frackers refer to the people who are making a very comfortable living off of fracking- hydraulic fracturing of the land in order to get oil out. I don't mean the paycheck to paycheck living of the people who do the hard work. I'm talking about the people who are raking in big bucks.

Frackers pump water plus a special mixture of chemicals into a well to force more oil out.

The frackers don't want to disclose the contents of their fracking fluid.

So the fracking industry doesn't want to share it's secret recipe with the world. I liked Hickenlooper's comment about Coca-Cola. Cute.

It's a big deal here in Colorado. We don't know the effects on groundwater and whatever other toxic environmental effects might result from it. The industry is wanting to frack the area around Windsor. Windsor has a growing residential area, and it also happens to be scenic and has great potential for outdoor recreational pursuits. Look at this gorgeous scenery along the Poudre River Trail, where we rode today.

















Looking up at the huge homes overlooking the poison ivy corridor of the bike path, we decided that this must be where the frackers live. Who knows if they do, but it sounded plausible.











I tell you, some people will frack anything. Hey frackers, Frack this!












It's starting to cool down in the mornings and evenings, the days are still hot. Great cycling weather, but in another week it's going to change. I'm returning to running slowly and I'm going to tough it out and wear tights and more clothing to keep cycling as long as I can. No long runs for a while. I've been enjoying the days, having energy to do other things besides just working out.

I feel great when I run, instead of running on fatigued legs they feel strong and flexible, and I feel light, even though I haven't lost any weight. I've been doing a lot of cross training, not just cycling but weight training and other balance, flexibility, and strengthening work. I forgot what my body felt like before I started training for all these long ultras!

Our house is still a wildlife sanctuary for Einstein, but not for the squirrels. The squirrels are losing to Iris the squirrel hunter. I should see if she has a license. Sadly, she has eaten at least 3 more baby squirrels. I find carcasses in the yard when I get home from work. She stalks them. Even my neighbor told me he yelled at her over the fence because she had a squirrel.

As you can see, with 20 minutes of daily running, I don't have much to report right now, if I'm resorting to writing about fracking. I hate thinking about politics anymore, dreading the onslaught of the approaching ugly election, I find it all so depressing and overwhelming, and mostly it just brings out the snark in me.












Tomorrow is the annual running club picnic and 4K run, in which I am actually going to participate. And I'm off to Arizona in November for a visit with my dad and stepmom. And that's the extent of the news in my world for now.