Wrapping Up The Year

What an incredible year! Starting off with my run at ATY last year, training for, planning, and pulling off Badwater with my crew, finishing with a buckle, and the fundraiser for the Cancer Care Fund.

I'm so thankful for the love and support of Dennis and the Buffaloes. I'm thankful for all the people I met this year, Barb and Nikki at the Foundation, Miles at the Coloradoan, and everyone new and old in the Fort Collins Running Club, such a warm, fun, genuinely nice group of people.

Steph, Nick, Ken, Katy, and Nathan. How can I ever thank you enough? And I am thankful for all of my running and non-running friends, and my family, here and all over Colorado, Arizona, and scattered throughout the world, many of whom I will see at Nardini Manor in Arizona in just a few days.

After last night's relatively warm holiday lights run, we woke up to this beautiful frost on everything this morning. After a slow wake-up, I went out to get new tires for my RAV 4. Eek! I haven't bought tires in several years, and never for a 4 wheel drive. Sticker shock. But while I was getting my tires put on, I went for a fast walk by Fossil Creek. It was cold but the fog was clearing and it got sunny. It felt great to walk and I developed a new walk/run strategy for ATY. I can't wait to try it!

The weather has been warmer, I know that because there were snakes in the snow again this morning.

There were new things I learned this year, and things I had to learn again. It is true that the lessons will be repeated until they are learned. Here's a short list:

The length of the portapotty lines at a race tends to be inversely related to the average age of the runners participating. Plan accordingly.

Keep on moving forward toward your goal, find ways to distract yourself from the pain and focus forward even in the face of setbacks. There are times when you have to become one with the pain, accept it, and then you can work through it.

Ups and downs in an ultra are just like life. I already knew this before this year. There is usually a reason (low blood sugar, need for a break), and it will pass and things will get better.

Stay warm, eat a lot of quality food, stay hydrated, and take care of your feet.

Watch for scorpions, when you least expect them, even when you're not hallucinating.

Never be greedy, pace yourself, don't try to do too much too early, big dividends wait at the end if you run smart, speed equals greed early in a multiday race.

Traffic jams are excellent opportunities for heat training.

Have a backup for everything. Food, drinks, supplies, gear, everything.

I have a weakness for men who look great in kilts.

Interesting note. I ran Badwater at the peak of gas prices. Gas now costs only 40% of what it did this summer.

Looking forward, in the coming year I want to do my first century ride (or longer) on my bike. My previous longest ride was 91 miles on my mountain bike. Felix has inspired me with his double century streak and his recent ride to Nebraska!

I have absolutely no plans for running in the coming year. None! I plan to run, that's all I know. I have no specific goals at this time except to heal my hamstring. Once that happens, I will start thinking about my next race.

I want to enjoy the time with Dennis and the Buffaloes this year, spend more time at our cabin, maybe do some painting in pastels again, do some work around the house, plant a garden next spring.

In the dimension of my life that includes work, it's been another rewarding but tough year. I like to think I'm incubating a culture in a petri dish and hoping it grows out something warm and fuzzy. I know the coming year is likely to hold more of the same so I'm going to take the lesson I learned at Badwater and become one with the pain, accept it, and distract myself.

The profession of nursing has a reputation for "eating their young". There are plenty of nurses out there who will deny this until they turn blue, but I've seen it happen to nurses of all ages and experience levels, and in all kinds of work settings. I would say the culture of nursing has rightfully earned this stigma no matter how many "healthy workplace initiatives" the corporate nursing culture tries to promote, anywhere, even in the best of workplaces.

My own personal healthy workplace initiative is that I try really hard to communicate in a non-threatening, kind, well-intentioned, diplomatic way. I have a hard time with people who are not, um...so tactfully communicative. I've never had thick skin and every time I try to grow it, it blisters and peels off, like feet in an ultra.

Going forward, I need to not let other people's insensitivities and poor communication skills posthole me, grab me by the ankle and pull me down. I'm super sensitive, but this is how I was made and I'm not going to apologize for that. One time someone I really respect at work told me I was too sensitive and I thought really hard about it, and decided, damn right I am, someone has to be!

I have been up and down and all over the map emotionally the past year or so, probably something to do with hormones and sleep deprivation related to hormones, but I have to forgive myself because other people aren't as kind. I know I've taken a lot of things personally this year and I need to learn to let go of it more.

I'm thankful for the core of fantastic, supportive, kind, warm, fuzzy people I work with, and I keep hoping maybe it will rub off on a few others. Maybe the warm fuzz will grow out of the petri dish and spread like MRSA, overwhelming the hostility and meanness that makes an already tough job more stressful. In any case, I have to accept the pain and focus on moving forward despite the often difficult culture of nursing.

That's where I am, today.

When You're There, BE THERE

Allow me to indulge. At the risk of sounding like a grumpy, long jowled old geezer, I have been meaning to eventually post a rant on cell phones. Given today's local headlines, this is the perfect time.

No phone call is worth someone's life, unless you're dialing 911.

Today's front page headlines are the result of the recent death of a 9 year old girl who was riding her bike in the bike lane near her school, when a driver, allegedly distracted by talking on her cell phone, ran over the girl.

Regardless of the facts, the whole incident brings up an issue that we deal with on a daily basis.

Does anyone remember the days before cell phones? When driving was a singleminded task, and there was nothing else to do except drive, and maybe listen to music or the radio. Phone conversations could wait.

What is it about our lives that we can't slow down our pace and wait until we get home to make that phone call? Can we not do anything without multitasking?

There is nothing that irritates me more when I'm driving than to be behind someone who is going half the speed limit, holding up traffic, so you get around them and as you pass, you see they are deep in a cell phone conversation. Or someone holding the phone up to their ear while they make a left turn across a major intersection. Stupid!

What drives me equally crazy is when I'm running and I need to cross an intersection in front of a waiting car. I want to make sure the driver makes eye contact with me before I cross in front of them. I can't tell you the number of times people are on the phone, yakking away, not even looking, about to turn and plow over you. I don't take a step in front of them until I know they've acknowledged my presence. Often I'll stand there staring right at them, until they notice me. Hello!

Sometimes I have to resist the temptation to thump their car, to wake them out of their oblivion, but I don't do that, because anyone that boneheaded obviously values their own personal gratification and material objects more than anyone else's well-being and probably wouldn't hesitate to pull out a gun. Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly annoyed I'll look right at them and mouth the words, get off the phone! That only works if they're looking at you and they have some conscience left.

The statement these people are making, by talking on the phone while driving half a ton of metal at 50 mph, is: MY unnecessary, self-indulgent, arrogant, petty little phone conversation is so much more important than YOUR life.

Anyone who fails to grasp the responsibility that comes with operating a huge machine at high speeds and can't understand what impact that would have on a human body needs to get out from behind the wheel. If you have any further doubt, go visit some patients in a trauma or neuro ICU, and then follow their progress for the rest of their lives.

Insurance companies could help the situation, if they would include a clause saying that you're not covered if you were on the phone when the accdent happened. Hit people in their wallet, usually that's the only thing that will make them change. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to get phone records to see if someone was on the phone at the time of the accident.

Hang up and drive!

Then there's texting. How ridiculous people look, especially older folks who can't see unless the object is longer than an arm's length away, holding the blackberry out there as they walk down the hall, or looking down their nose through their reading glasses. Texting is great for teenagers, until they reach driving age. Then they need to get over it.

I recently got a Blackberry. But I don't talk and drive. I won't even touch or look at my cell phone if I'm driving. Besides, it's turned off, and 99% of the time I forget to bring it with me anyway. I got it only because I wanted a way to use my email without dragging my laptop everywhere, when I travel, and if I need it in an emergency. I think it will serve me well. I don't use my cell phone and I tell everyone before I give them my number that I often forget I have a cell phone, and calling me on it will not guarantee that I'll get the message. I always have it turned off.

I generally dislike phones and prefer face-to-face conversation, followed by e-mail. I have a hard time believing my eyes when I see people in races talking on the phone too. But that doesn't bother me, because they aren't driving a vehicle at high speeds. I might even use my phone in the upcoming Across the Years race to call home.

What to do about cell phones? My advice is, keep it turned off until you can pull over, preferably out of traffic. Better yet, throw the phone out the window. Who needs it anyway! It's a mindless yakking machine!

Let me say it as nicely as possible:





Hang up the @#$%&*ing phone! And drive!

Precious Sleep

It's time to hibernate. I want to curl up on the futon with Iris and take naps.

We got about 8 inches of snow the other day. I was off work and the girls helped me shovel the sidewalks and driveway, and then we went for a run in the snow. I wouldn't be able to take the girls out all winter on the icy streets without Yak Trax. They are like tire chains for your running shoes.



I went to see my doctor two weeks ago. She is a PA, and she's awesome. Very knowledgeable about womens' health and supportive of me taking an active role in guiding my health care. I've known her for a long time as I used to see her when I lived in Ft. Collins before. I told her what's been going on with me. Then she told me the bad news: menopause symptoms can last 10 years!

I've been having a terrible time sleeping. One night I'll be up in the middle of the night, then I'll sleep the first half of the night and be awake the second half, and the next night I won't be able to fall asleep until late. Sunday night I called in sick to work the next day because I wanted to spare myself the torture of toughing it out through a 12 hour shift when I'm a zombie. Except I didn't realize that the next night was going to be worse!

No one ever tells you enough about this in advance. I guess there's no sense in forewarning anyone that their life might be hell for the next 10 years or so. Suddenly one night you wake up drenched in sweat and it goes downhill from there.

I wish I could be one of those women who skate through menopause without noticing. I feel like I'm working the night shift again, sweating and hot flashing my way through. Everyone has a different idea of what to do: black cohosh, something called estroven, hormones, anti-depressants, valerian root, melatonin, benadryl, tylenol p.m., wine, beer, and shots.


I don't like to drink alcohol because then I don't sleep well. I've tried benadryl and it doesn't work. Hormones, antidepressants, and beta blockers are some of the things I could try. I am not too excited about any of them. Beta blockers wouldn't be good because they would reduce my tolerance to exercise, being an athlete I need to be able to raise my heart rate. They would help relieve some of the anxiety about not sleeping, though.

Hormones are out because of my family history of breast cancer. And anti-depressants, well I went ahead and tried 10 mg of Prozac a day and I lasted 2 weeks on it. I was forgetting everything, and it made me even more foggy than I was before and I can't be doing that when I'm at work. I didn't like the way it made me feel so I bagged it, reluctantly, because I was so hopeful that it would take the edge off. Actually I feel clearer headed now that I'm off it. It didn't help me sleep or make me any less emotional.

I've been using the hot tub a lot and it seems to help put me to sleep, but there's still the problem of waking up in the middle of the night. I guess I could always go back outside to the hot tub at 1 am.

Last night Dennis & I were both up. Maybe men go through this too. I think I slept until midnight, but Dennis said it was 10:30. Whatever time it was, once I woke up, I never fell back to sleep at all, all night. I didn't feel good about calling off work again, fortunately we were staffed well enough at work that I was able to go home early. I feel like I've been working nights. Five hours of sleep in two days doesn't cut it.

The running club T&H 10K was last Sunday followed by breakfast at Avo's and the Tortoise & Hare awards and an informal club social/meeting. I woke up at 7:30 and couldn't drag myself out of bed fast enough to make it to Martinez Park by 8 am to start the race, so I showed up at Avo's for the breakfast. I went running later. I did manage a 2 hour run Saturday which went well. I was sore afterwards from the uneven surfaces and Yak Trax. I got a massage from Cindy afterwards and then I was able to relax enough to take a nap.

I have work to do before I go to Arizona. Oil change, new tires, and replace the windshield, which has a crack in it. Planning and packing, a list of things to take, buy, pack, and I've been working on my list of meditations for the run.

Next week is the Holiday Lights run for the running club followed by the potluck at Art & Allison's house. They are so generous to invite everyone over for this event again. I am going to be giving a slide show and talk about my run at Badwater this past summer.

I guess I should think about what to bring to the potluck. Last week I made veggie quesadillas, something we used to eat all the time, that I haven't made in a long time.

Thanksgiving Turkey Trot

We ran the Turkey Trot on Thursday morning. I thought I'd feel bad, I was up for several hours in the middle of the night, which is becoming routine. I even told Dennis around 2 am that I was turning off my alarm and to go to the run without me if I was still sleeping in the morning.

I woke up early anyway, around 6 am. It was cold and gray, and I felt ambivalent about running the race, but I knew it was the only way I was going to run. Otherwise I'd sit around the house like a zombie all day.

I didn't feel too bad. I went out at 7:30 pace and surprisingly managed to hang on to that pace the whole way, finishing in 29:55, just under 30 minutes! I didn't feel my hamstring a bit, but I couldn't accelerate much in the last mile. I thought I slowed down in the middle but I guess I didn't. My 3 mile split was 22:35.


Dennis ran well, he was happy with his run. We talked to a few people but we didn't stick around in the cold. We went home to the girls, made blueberry pancakes and sat in the hot tub. Later I took a nap, and later we went over to Austin and Melissa's for dinner.

We made a big bowl of fruit salad and brought some wine. Melissa cooked an incredible dinner, turkey and everything you could imagine in a Thanksgiving dinner, including homemade ice cream. It was a perfect evening. We talked for a while after dinner and then wrapped everything up early, since both Austin and I had to work Friday.
I think this is the best Thanksgiving wine ever. Merlot Raspberry from Mountain Spirit Winery in Salida.

Pink Ice

It's official, winter is here. Ice is a sure sign.




Yesterday I walked out onto Howes street after my 3:00 massage appointment with Cindy and wished I had my camera because the light reflecting on the buildings was perfect for a painting. Driving home I saw the clouds over the foothills and I knew I had to get home to my camera and get over to Riverbend Ponds before sunset.

There was a huge pink cloud to the north over Wyoming and the formations in the clouds to the west had such interesting shapes and textures, I knew that the sunset would be spectacular and I was right.

Ice is already forming on the ponds! It didn't seem that cold to me, but the temperature has been in the 20s in town. I'm sure it's colder out here in the early morning hours.

It's Thanksgiving week. Dennis and I will be running in the downtown Turkey Trot on Thursday morning. We're going over to a friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I haven't decided what I'll bring. Whole Foods was a nightmare yesterday when I tried to go in. I changed my mind and I'll try to get over there early this morning to beat the holiday feeding frenzy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Whitecaps

Winter is coming soon, the reliable front range wind is back in Fort Collins.


The trees are bare, the grass is dry, and the geese are taking up residence in the marshes, flats and cornfields with their deafening honking noise.
The low sunlight makes all things look slightly yellow this time of year.










Over the past week I've been making an effort to get outside even though I have little energy to move.











I went to Riverbend Ponds, Horsetooth Reservoir, and Dixon Reservoir this week. I only ran a total of about 20 miles for the week.












Exhaustion continues. Thyroid labs were perfect, I've never had labs that came out as good as this. So it has to be something else. I made an appointment with my primary care PA this week, to see if there is something else I can do to get better. I also have another appointment with Cindy, the massage therapist.










Work is a factor, there's no denying that my job takes something out of me that goes deeper than being on my feet for 12 plus hours without a break. Usually it's not this busy, but the past two weeks have been crazy. Last week I had an unusually perceptive student with me who asked, "How do you keep your head straight when you do this work? How do you stay mentally healthy?"










She recognized right away the stresses of our job, the responsibility for people's lives when they are really sick, and the demands of their families, and all the things we have to do at work, long days where we have to multitask our multitasking, and being expected to perform all these simultaneous layers of multitasked tasks without making a mistake, for more than 12 hours at a stretch, often without adequate food, water, breaks, or just a chance to catch our breath and think.


Lately by 5 pm my brain is so fried that I have a hard time sorting through things that require problem solving, and that's not good if you have two plus hours to go and things happen.


Running an ultra is much easier than a busy 12 hour shift at work. People don't believe me when I tell them that, but it's true.











To combat my exhaustion, I'm trying to round out my life again where my focus has been so narrowly centered on running this past year. Doing ordinary things, like this week, when I started cooking again.

I'm going into ATY feeling like whatever happens, happens. I don't know how I'll feel but it will be like a two day camping trip with a lot of fun people.

Over the next few months this blog is going to shift focus, maybe it will be less focused, like my random babbling. There will be assorted subjects like food, thoughts on life in general, and maybe, if I can shift some of my energy that direction, going back to some painting. And I'll be photographing things wherever I go.

For now, there will be whitecaps and cold wind until I restore balance to my life, but there's always something colorful to catch my eye. Life is never boring.

For Sale

I worked four of the last five days and I am exhausted today. It's been busy, and I ran my butt off at work all weekend. I know I would feel so much better if I could just sleep through the night!

I am so tired of waking up sweating and throwing off the covers and then freezing and not being able to go back to sleep for hours. It really sucks on the days when you have to get up for work and can't sleep in. I feel like putting an ad in the paper:



On the bright side, I have 3 days off and the weather is supposed to be awesome, in the 70s tomorrow. I hope to have energy for a good long run, maybe 4 hours on trails. Iris is smiling, she likes the warm weather.

Isabelle isn't smiling right now, she's in trouble for fence fighting with the neighbor's dogs. What else is there to do on a nice day?

Today I ran trails for an hour at the ELC, Prospect Ponds and Riverbend Ponds. The geese were out on the water. I wore shorts again. After my run, I went to get labs drawn for my thyroid, and I was dehydrated! They made a pincushion out of me and almost didn't get enough blood in the little tube!


Now I look like a drug addict, I have so many holes in my arms. I need to remember to drink a lot before I go to get poked next time! I think this happened last time too! That's what 4 busy days of work do to me, I don't have time to drink enough. Or pee. Or eat. I like my job, but when nurses are busy, our job does not allow us to be human.

Sort of puts you in the mood to fence fight...