Silence is the Language of Hell

A little Halloween theme here...

This is Natalie, the wandering neighborhood black cat my parents adopted. She lives the ultimate life of luxury. She's a Scottsdale cat.

I've been down here for a few days and I'm decompressing. Not a lot of productive work yet but it feels good to be in a different setting, different scenery. I went running on the canal yesterday for the first run I've done since before my calf cramped into a knot a week ago.

I often miss Scottsdale when I come down here in winter on those perfectly clear days, when the temperature is perfect. It's still hot, in the 90s but once the sun goes down it's perfect.

But then I see the massive construction projects, the traffic, and the brown haze on not so clear days, and I remember why I left.

Last night we went out to Malee's with a friend of my parents who has been a nurse for over 40 years. She's a consultant and a free agent, independent. She's been through the system and through the wringer and sees what it does to people. But she decided to take control of her own life instead of allowing herself to be used by the system.

She and I had war stories to tell. One of the things we talked about was the generational divide, of how it seems like the fight has all but disappeared, that people are no longer willing to protest what they feel are injustices in the workplace.

Like I've said before, it is a systemic problem, not limited to health care or nursing, but people just seem defeated and willing to accept that they are going to be squeezed to death in the workplace, and accept the fact that the highly paid executive class will make millions while most people are lucky to hang on paycheck to paycheck.

People seem resigned to this, they don't seem to have any willingness to push back. Look at what our government has been doing. Nothing! And we allow that!

If you decide to stay in hell, that's your choice. You do have a choice. Even if you think you need that paycheck, realize that the choices you made are the ones that adjust the thermostat of your personal hell. It's one thing to sit there at work and bitch, but at some point if you're unhappy you need to decide what to do about it. Instead of burying your frustration and blowing off steam over and over again, making yourself sick, there is another way.

It took me a year to move from an initial slap in the face to where I am now, on the verge of stepping into free agency, as a nurse entrepreneur. That's not a lot of time, even though it felt like hell along the way, and it ain't over yet.

If you don't say something, you are condoning free reign of those people who are bloodthirsty and waiting with daggers...

The problem with silence is that it's collusion with the devil. Not speaking up is the easy way out, but it's not out. It's being stuck and accepting the conditions that hurt everyone else, including yourself. Silence is the language of hell. I'm saying it again. Shouting.

SILENCE IS THE LANGUAGE OF HELL!

Speaking out sheds light on the problem. It's only when a certain number of people speak loudly and clearly enough to awaken the masses that things can be changed. We're at a power disadvantage only when we don't use our own power.

I'm relaxing in the courtyard enjoying the cool morning air and the late fall Arizona sunrise, drinking my coffee. I have some serious business and fun in store for today and tomorrow.

The fun part is I'm going to be "guest bitcher" on a podcast tomorrow. I intend to not just bitch but talk about solutions. Still, it will be fun to bitch about things! I'll post the link as soon as it's up.

The serious part, but hopefully fun too, is working on some financial plans on Tuesday.

Later today I'm going out to lunch with a fellow nurse who has been through the ultimate hell. I'm meeting Amanda Trujillo.

I've always wanted to talk with her in person, and I know that her case is controversial, but I also know what big powerful interests can do with money for legal clout to beat up on the little people. And Arizona is not known for nice politics...between Sheriff Joe, Jan Brewer, the recent Arizona Medical Board scandal, and a long history of slimy political figures.

I'm off to run on the canal again...if I don't come back, look for black helicopters that say Maricopa County Sheriff...I might be shackled in pink underwear in Tent City if I'm not at the bottom of the Arizona canal covered with carp hickeys.

Goblin at the No Goblin, and Silence

Signed, sealed, delivered. Not that I had any question about who I would vote for. I don't expect any magic solutions to society's ills in the next 4 years as a result of this president or any other, but I vote with my conscience, and I can only vote in the direction I'd rather see us moving. Now if I could just get the phone calls to stop, it would be delightful.

Tomorrow I'm headed to Denver to hang out, not run, with a group of ultrarunners I've known for many years. We're all old fart ultrarunners, except me of course, most have been in the ultraworld for at least the past 20 years, and the premise is "No Goblin Gas".

There usually is a race in Utah that is a day's drive away for most of us, called the Goblin Valley 50K, and it has been cancelled indefinitely, so this year they are staying home and doing a 50K training run in southwest Denver. And what would an ultra be without a party, food and beer afterwards?

I'm going to walk with Steph for a couple of hours, then we'll set up for the post-run BBQ. I plan to do a lot more of the goblin than the no goblin. I will also get to meet Sylvia, who is my friend Ed's new girlfriend. That's Ed who ran with me in the Black Hills this summer. He was just starting to date Sylvia when we were there in June, and things seem to be working out.

I survived another two days of work. Thought I would never make it through the first 12 hour shift, but I got 9 hours of sleep afterwards, a rare event for me on a work night, because I didn't have to go in until noon on Thursday. Then I only worked 9 hours because I had the closing shift. It was nice to not feel exhausted at work for a change.

Lately I've talked a lot about work and work hangovers and I vent because I do get tired, 12 hour shifts are hard, especially with the psychosocial components of the work I do. That's why nursing is a profession in which it is so easy to burn out.

It's easy to hang a bag of chemo or a liter of fluids, but taking care of the patient's needs demands not only attention to their physical condition, but also to everything they need in their lives when living with a serious illness.

One of the things you see in nursing, that is more the norm than the exception, is the propensity for people's past life issues to come out when suddenly they are faced with a life-threatening illness and the rigorous treatments that go along with that.

So many people have not worked through their past traumas to the point where they can consciously identify them, and have the awareness that something they are experiencing in their body during cancer or other treatment is a result of their past psychological history, and not the current physical condition.

When they experience the trauma of cancer treatment, all the unresolved issues come charging to the surface and it can be a huge obstacle for them as they struggle through the intensity of staying on track with medications, appointments, procedures, follow-ups, treatments, side effects, and dealing with the issues that come up in their own families surrounding their illness.

I'm not even going to delve into it here, but who knows how much the trauma of past experience affects the immune system to the degree that genetic mutations that happen at the cellular level are allowed to flourish unchecked and become cancer.

I had my review at work yesterday. It went well, there's always an element of anxiety before you go in to find out what they think of you and what your peers have to say. I am so thankful that I work in a place where I can get useful, valuable input and support to go along with it, that truly helps me professionally and personally. I think I work in one of those rare workplaces, which I attribute to careful, consistent, and conscientious management for many years. That is rare these days in the workplace.

Which is the exact opposite of what I experienced in my previous workplace. How fitting then, that Patricia Singleton posted this post on her blog yesterday.

If you feel like reading her blog, there is a link at the bottom under "blogs I read" on the right hand side of this blog as you scroll down. A blog about sexual abuse doesn't really fit in to a running blog, but I find Patricia's blog applicable to everything in life, because of the theme that underlies her writing. It's about ending violence and abuse, and shedding light on the forces that perpetuate abuse. And that applies to all kinds of violence, not just sexual abuse.

The way I found Patricia, was way back in the days when I was a new nurse working in ICU, I was having one of my sleepless nights and dealing with a lot of the workplace violence that nurses often experience, called "eating their young".

When I worked there, there was a culture of abuse, not only directed at new nurses, but at anyone who failed to kiss the narcissistic boss's ass along with her minions. Almost everyone was intimidated into silence, except for a few of us who spoke our minds, and we became the targets.

Eventually, after a large percentage of the staff turned over within a year, the administration got wise and got rid of that boss. The reason it was allowed to go on so long was that there was a person in a high level administrative position who was protecting her and looking the other way, and until that person left the organization, nothing happened.

Justice was served in that case, but not before many of us experienced a lot of physical and mental stress that was costly not only to us as individuals, but to the organization.

I stumbled on Patricia's blog with a Google search on some topic related to violence or abuse in the workplace. I found Patricia's insights to be enlightening and perceptive, and since someone important in my life is a sexual abuse survivor I also found the insights on sexual abuse and its consequences to be valuable and eye-opening for me.

I think this blogpost from Patricia and the links she includes within the post are excellent and thought-provoking reading material, they are short and easy to read, but worthwhile. The violence associated with silence affects everyone, in some way. There is no person who is immune to any type of abuse. Perpetrators of abuse don't just become that way by themselves, they have experienced abuse in order to learn how it's done.

I think it's important to bring silence to everyone's attention because we are all indoctrinated with compliance at an early age, don't make waves, don't speak up, keep a low profile. It's easier to ignore injustice than to act on it.

There's much work to do, it's a political issue as much as a personal issue, that could be a whole blog in itself. I think it's a good idea to check ourselves every so often. Am I speaking up about issues that I care about? Am I serving someone's best interest, or am I hurting them by being silent? Silence that allows violence to continue, is violence itself.

I thank Patricia for the reminder, and the inspiration. She's an amazing woman and if you're interested in these issues, I highly recommend her blog.