Scatter my ashes here...

Scatter my ashes here...
scatter my ashes in the desert...

Friday, May 25, 2012

How Not to Meet Women in the Sauna


1. Shave. Bringing your razor to the sauna is not entirely socially appropriate. Yes it does show you have talent by doing it without a mirror, but if you cut yourself, it can be quite unsanitary. Also, getting your little chin stubble hairs all over the bench is not fair to the next person who sits down in that spot that already contains your dried sweat. Keep some samples of your DNA to yourself.

2. Have business conversations on your cell phone when there are 4 other people in the sauna with you. We don't need to know the details of how you flubbed up that last contract and you need to dictate an e-mail to your secretary, as you tell her on the phone, in order to get everyone on the same page immediately, because, as you tell her on the phone, you're sweating in the gym right now. Now there are 4 potential customers you've just lost because we all know you flubbed up. And yes, you're sweating in the sauna, which happens to be in the gym, and we can all see you sweating.

3. Infuse the air with your favorite scent of essential oil. Not only might ylang sandalwood jasmine lemon eucalyptus not be the flavor of the day, but for the sake of other people who might want to use the sauna in the several hours or days following your presence there, leave it at home, or in your car, or wherever only you can smell it. Same with cologne- keep it to yourself and use only when you're around people who want to smell you, and when you're not in a small space with other people. The smell of sweat-infused pine boards baking at 180 degrees has never been proven carcinogenic, and it's okay for people to be able to inhale while they're in the sauna. It won't hurt them one bit.

4. Engage in conversation with the woman in the sauna about the intimate details of your life, even though you just met her but you already feel warm, comfortable, and confident sharing this small space with her. She doesn't need to know about your prior DUI conviction, your hepatitis, or your messy divorce. There's a reason why she's in the exact opposite corner of the sauna from you with a towel over her face. Did you know the towel actually maximizes the benefit of the sauna? Really, you should try it. But it only works if it goes over your face...

5. Repeatedly puff your chest and make loud, heavy breathing noises as you inflate your chest wall to maximize the dimensions of your rippling pectoralis muscles. There might be a health care professional in the sauna with you who could mistakenly think you're in respiratory distress and call 911. It might be the fastest way to get you out of the sauna.

I am sure there are women out there who are just as guilty of doing socially unacceptable things in the sauna, but this is what I've observed being in the sauna with mostly men. My advice: Bring a towel.

5 comments:

Olga King said...

Totally gross, can't believe you met all of it!

Mike said...

Funny!

Alene Gone Bad said...

Olga, I agree, it is totally gross. And funny, too.

Maria said...

LOL...you made me laugh so hard with this. I remember when I lived in Germany and people were butt naked in the sauna and talking to you about all kinds of things...lol. It was gross and unreal!

Maria
http://www.fitnessgirlkitchen.com/

Alene Gone Bad said...

Maria, shhhhh, please don't give these people of the sauna any ideas...I might have to start bringing a barf bag too!