Scatter my ashes here...

Scatter my ashes here...
scatter my ashes in the desert...

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Gut Feelings and Decisions

I have hit a point of burnout and I need a break from racing. So I will do that and put my energy into adventure type runs as I go into this coming year.

I'm not talking commercially-run adventure races that are so popular. I mean my own personal homegrown low-key on a whim exploration adventures. At the current moment no races appeal to me. I can't even get myself to sign up for the Pemberton 50K.

I am lucky right now to get myself to do a daily workout at all. I have been more consistent the past two weeks, I am doing something each day, but I have been struggling mentally with it. Each day it becomes a challenge to get my butt out the door, even for an hour. And if I don't get out the door, it's a challenge to get my butt on the bike. And I can't even fathom going over to the pool.

Yesterday I received an email from Pearl Izumi reminding me and all the others on the promotional team that they are taking applications for next year. I have made an executive decision not to apply for 2015. I really don't want to feel obligated to attend races or events this coming year. And I am ready for a break. I just want to run when and where I want to run, without feeling like I have to represent something. It was fun and I love their products, but it doesn't make sense for me to do something when my heart isn't in it, so I will relinquish that and let someone else have the opportunity. I need a physical and mental break from all of it.

My heart right now is in developing my business further and in writing. I haven't been doing very frequent blogposts because I've been putting a substantial amount of energy into a separate writing project. I suppose that's where my energy from running has gone. It's okay.

This blog is approaching a quarter million pageviews, while I know there are always a good number of those that are fake spambot-type hits, the readership has gone up exponentially over the last year. I find it interesting that I get so many readers from health care as I do running. I know there is a need for expression of the frustrations of health care workers and since they can't express it freely in their own workplaces due to the inability to trust others, and the suppression of free speech in the workplace, they look to other outlets. There's a lot to say, worthy of a big fat manuscript.

Reading social media comments makes it obvious that it's a widespread phenomenon. The sociopaths of the world who buy politicians and shape the political landscape to their advantage don't care if they are exposed, because sociopaths have no conscience.

But there are plenty of warped, fundamentally insecure individuals who reside in the organizations that benefit from these conditions that are fertile for exploitation. With their sick, twisted motives to protect their self-interest, for power, status, money, or sadistic thrills, they thrive at the expense of a lot of wounded human beings who thought they were getting into it to care for others.

And our numbing apathy or apathetic numbing enables it. Good health is important, but we don't value it nearly enough until we get sick. When you enter the health care system, whether against your best intentions as a patient or as a health care worker who needs a paycheck, the lights go on. The true sickness of our health care system is exposed. But much of the general public doesn't see this until it's too late.

I want to chip away at the conscience of people who are already feeling the effects, and I don't have any illusions of changing the world or health care. What I do hope to do is make a few people more aware and remind them, again, as others have, that we are not doing ourselves any favors by sitting back and allowing the country to slip deeper into the oligarchy we have. And from there, to move into action.

Even if it's only a few who take action, it chips away at the outer shell. Eventually if you chip away enough, the core gets exposed and the guts fall out. Health care needs a good exenteration.

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