Scatter my ashes here...

Scatter my ashes here...
scatter my ashes in the desert...

Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Final Purge...

I'm on the other side!

My last day was a weird day, almost too typical and uneventful. It was quiet at work. I even got to go home early.

It started out with a beautiful sunrise...

I started the day by stopping up in ICU and saying goodbye and doing a little happy dance to a friend who was finishing his shift up there and a few other nurses I know who are up there. Then I went down to Oncology and clocked in and started my day by doing a happy dance with my coworkers. Not enough time for twerking before the patients arrived, damn...

During the day I made one last trip down to the blood bank and chose my emotion on the emotion magnet one last time. This magnet has been on the counter since before I ever started there, and the first time I ever went downstairs to the blood bank as a new grad I noticed this thing, and I've always picked out my emotion on it every time.

I can't even tell you how much this little magnet meant to me over the past seven years, being able to get away from the patient floor environment for a little while and stop, breathe, and acknowledge how I was feeling at the moment. It was the most therapeutic item in the entire hospital!

It's funny the little things you notice and hang onto.

And of course I didn't bring lunch so it was one final trip down to the cafeteria for cafeteria glop...
It actually looks a lot better than it tasted.

Today was with good co-workers again, no bullshit. I got through about 7 patients by 2 pm, I said goodbye to about half of them, the ones I knew. I said goodbye to a few more people I have worked with over the past few years. And then my last patient of the day didn't show, and there wasn't much else going on the rest of the day, so it was time to go.

It felt good, it felt right, it didn't feel emotional or disappointing in any way. I think I've processed much of that in the past few months since I made my decision to get out. And even this morning, the usual daily frustrations of using the computers which never seem to work efficiently, reminded me of how sick I am of that. How needless it is.

But it was funny, there was a feature on the employee website about the computers. They picked a few brownnosers, or maybe they just paid those people, which is more likely, to talk about how great EPIC is. Ha! We were rolling our eyes over that one. How do they always manage to paint everything in such an overly fake positive light?

Well I'm ready to leave the hypocrisy behind, the denial that is typical of abusers, those who can never acknowledge the very real problems that exist that are hurting people.

The only hitch, the only thing that stopped me momentarily in my tracks all day was when a patient heard I was leaving and then asked me if I was going to be working at the Cancer Center. I had to choke back the desire to tell what happened. The fantasy of being able to speak the truth:

Oh, the Cancer Center. You mean the one I promoted relentlessly and was a cheerleader for, and raised money and spoke to groups and volunteered my time at work and in the community to support for 5 years? The same one that I spent my time attending cancer support groups for and listening to community members every week for 2 years so I could figure out what the needs of people in the community were for the purpose of developing programs they would benefit from?

The same Cancer Center that when it came time to work on the real substance of the services that would be provided to the actual people who needed it, that I was not even allowed to be involved with, not told about any meetings, not even allowed a toe hold in the door?

The same Cancer Center where the person running the show wouldn't even tell me to my face that she didn't want to include me in any of the discussions about programming or planning or survivorship pilot programs, so she avoided me until I reminded her enough times that I was waiting for a response, and only then did she send someone else to tell me, "We already have enough people involved" and then avoided me the rest of the time I worked there and never said another word to me in the year that ensued, through the day I left?

Is THAT the Cancer Center of which you speak?

But instead I just said, "No. I'm going off on my own."

Small potatoes, those people are, in the big picture. I am glad to be leaving. I don't want to inhabit the same windowless, limited cardboard box that they feel safe and secure in.

Well I'm out, I'm done, and aside from a few celebrations over the next few days, I am ready to take my life back and move forward. I've been waiting long enough, serving my extended 30 day-plus sentence in the corporate jail.

I'm planning a detox run this week, not long enough, of course, because my body will only let me go so far. I'm also getting a massage. Yes, I am done.

'Nuff said.

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