Scatter my ashes here...

Scatter my ashes here...
scatter my ashes in the desert...

Friday, June 28, 2013

A Change of Seasons

Good morning, I was up well before I looked at my watch at 4:14, even though I have averaged only 5 hours of sleep a night for the past three nights and I'm going into my third shift in the past 3 days. I'm trying to drink enough coffee to get my eyes to open like these flowers, but so far it's not working.

Summer has arrived with a vengeance, it's been near 100 degrees and everyone is complaining about it. I haven't been able to enjoy the heat, I've been stuck inside a temperature controlled building without windows for most of the past two weeks, but I'm looking forward to next Wednesday. Not because of the massive cumulative work hangover it will have in store for me, but because it is the beginning of 5 days off work, that at this point I so desperately need to restore my soul, spirit, attitude, and sanity.

The colors in my flower garden change over time, the purples came out first this year, then the pinks and reds, and now the yellows and oranges of sunflowers are coming. Sunflowers have a special meaning for me because they remind me that summer is going to end, and fall will eventually be here, and that is my favorite season. Seeing the change in colors tells me that the season has changed so subtly. I usually live one season ahead anyway, I think January 1st is spring and July 1 is the beginning of fall.

The spring date is most likely because of living in Arizona, where it really was spring in January, but it helps to think of spring in January while living in Colorado too, because it makes the winter go by faster for me. The beginning of fall date is due to my time living in Crested Butte, where the trees actually did start changing in late July, and the raspberries were ripe, and there was a change in the air to slightly cooler mornings.

Having these wildflowers outside my window helps me every day. They are my contact with reality and the natural world, on days when I hardly get to see natural or outdoor anything.

I was mad because yesterday I was so tired after my first of three shifts. I hate it when the first shift wipes me out, I was there nearly 13 hours, and ran my butt off all day, got out late, and that's not a nice way to start a long stretch of work days. I wanted to run yesterday morning but I could not get to sleep after that first long day, I guess I was too wired, and only slept from about 2 am to 7 am, and when I got up I was too groggy and irritable, and it was already hot, so I decided not to run. I'm getting pissed because the month of June turned out to be only half a month of good training.

This morning I woke up early and it's going to be another blast furnace of a day, but since I'm up, I might as well get a few miles in. It will make me feel better mentally, if not physically. I know I am going to pay for this over the weekend, I've been doing these two or three shifts on, two days off for two weeks now, and two days are not enough to recover from the type of workdays I have. The fatigue builds up in so many ways, and after a while you can hardly think straight.

That's where you start to resent work, when it gets in the way of your normal life functions, your ability to take care of yourself in all ways: nutrition, exercise, sleep, family time. It's NOT okay to neglect those things. I don't understand why people don't get that. But then, if they did, we wouldn't be able to keep running a dysfunctional health care system for profit.

We've been working like dawgs, and right now I'd rather be outside in the triple digit heat, I'd rather be preparing to go to Death Valley in 2 weeks, but instead I'll be doing another mega-work week that middle week in July. Damn computers.

Yesterday I went for my lunch break, it was around 1:30 pm and I found my quiet spot on the grass under a tree outside. It was blazing hot outside but I needed air. I ran into a former coworker who gave me an earful about "stuff". I really think that these companies are barking up the wrong tree with their approach to cost saving. Yes we need health care reform desperately in this country but we also need profit reform.

In case you haven't noticed I did post a disclaimer on my blog, see the right hand column under "Said With A Groan" because it seems that some people get very upset when people post their opinions on their blogs. If you look out in the nearest pasture, you'll see all the new calves that have been born lately. Really, it's getting to the point where it's ridiculous, but it's so that no one misunderstands that I am not dead, that my vital signs include having an opinion in addition to breathing with a heartbeat, therefore they don't need to call 911, I am living.

Really, if you live in that much fear that you can't open your mouth because you've got a big fake smile bandaid plastered across your face to hide your personal misery, you do need someone to call 911, because you might be warm, but you're as good as dead.

That's MY opinion, and I'm sticking with it.