Scatter my ashes here...

Scatter my ashes here...
scatter my ashes in the desert...

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Detox Day Three: The Fear Factor

A good friend of mine from ultras recently did something out of character for himself. He was running an ultra with some pain and took too much of an analgesic and landed himself in the hospital.

I really like this guy, and he's been through a rough time for the past few years, a divorce, soul searching, and so on. I worry that what he's doing is self-destructive, so I contacted him to let him know that I'm here for him and he can talk with me.

I've been there. I've had my rough times in life. I've been depressed before. I'm going through some now, but even with the pain I'm experiencing at this time, I am so excited about my opportunities to go forward that I know I'm really okay. I am having a low energy week this week so my progress has been slowed, but that's temporary.

Still, it doesn't feel good to go through a crisis like this alone. People tell me that I'm such a "together" person, that I have my priorities right. That I have my shit together. You know what? I think I basically do, but I'm not immune to depression and feeling down, alone, and lonely. I can't tell you how many times in the past 6 months I needed somebody to call me to go out and do something that doesn't involve running.

One of my longtime nursing friends who is probably the least socially outgoing of anyone I've ever met in my life, has kept my head above water. I've learned a lot through this rough time about my support network. On the other hand, people I've never met in person and only interact with through some mutual interest group on Facebook have been a lifeline.

One thing I've noticed is that there's so much reliance on social media for communication and then when you're in real time and real life, and you need some support, it's hard to get. Add the fear factor of working in the corporate world and you basically shut things down.

There are so many nurses I worked with who I liked a lot, I always wished we could have done more things together. I was always busy training for ultras and had very little energy left over for social engagement. Until recently, I was not much of a drinker, I prefer to go out and do active outdoor things, or at least go places where you can walk around a lot.

I know that people are afraid to be associated with me when it comes to work, because now that I'm shitlisted they don't want to be categorized as a rabble rouser. So they are very careful on social media. They private message me. That's okay, I understand that they are not in the same place as I am and need to stay where they are right now. I don't want to disrupt anyone's personal perception of safety.

They are afraid of what will happen if the wrong people see they are allied with me. People talk, and the chain of command is not lost on me one bit. I know that backstabbing is a function of management style and an organization's toxicity that allows it to exist. It could easily happen to anyone.

Today I'm still having that stabbed in the gut feeling, but it's a beautiful fall day and Iris and I went for a long walk, and I have shit to do and I'm going to do it. It hurts to breathe deeply, when every sigh feels like it could turn on the faucet of tears. Don't hug me unless you've got a plumber nearby!

Nurses should buy stock in Kleenex.

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