Scatter my ashes here...

Scatter my ashes here...
scatter my ashes in the desert...

Thursday, August 8, 2013


I decided to go radical today.

Trying to run through an injury is pointless, and I can't exempt myself from my own advice. I've been trying to give my leg a few days off and it's just not enough. I want so badly to be able to train hard and be in top condition for the 24 hour race in Oklahoma City in October, but I'm not improving, and I know it.

It's been in the back of my mind as a possibility, but I wasn't ready to make the final decision to change my plans. But this morning I had coffee with a friend and she said the thing that I needed to hear, even though I had spoken it to myself, inside my own head dozens of times. We were discussing work stress and life stress, and she said that the hamstring injury is a physical manifestation of all the mental stress I've been undergoing.

Sometimes it's necessary to hear others say what we already know, before it sinks in enough for us to take action.

I came away from our talk feeling refreshed and relieved. I wasn't looking forward to forcing myself through workouts that are just mile after mile at the same pace, with no challenge, and no variety. I wasn't looking forward to our upcoming vacation wanting to run at the beach and feel good, and as much as I love running at the beach, I also didn't want to have to train through a vacation that is badly needed as a vacation.

Having a nagging thought in the back of your mind about some body part, being worried about further injury, not being able to give your full effort in training runs, is not worth it, because you can't enjoy your runs, and that defeats the purpose of doing it.

The first thing I needed to do was tell Joanne and Hunter, my friends who were going to crew for me down there. And then tell Chisholm, the race director. And then everyone else. So I did those things and here I am. I even committed to volunteering for one of the races I signed up for, the Equinox Half Marathon, in September. Even if I am capable of running it by then, it's too soon and I'm not even going to try.

The next thing I will do is look into physical therapy so I can rehab this thing properly. It's not so terrible right now and I know it's going to be a lot easier to get back to 100% if I start now, before I do more damage.

So, I feel disappointed, sad, and slightly pissed off about the circumstances leading to my stress-induced injured state, but I know this is the best option I have. I need to let go. I have had to let go of other things recently, and this is just one more. It's freeing, and it allows me to have time and energy for other things that need attention.

I've been in such a tailspin trying to figure out what I want and where I want my life to go, I need to forget about it all and not choose a direction until I'm ready. I will know when I'm ready because it will come to me. The love of training and preparing for another big race will also come to me when it's time.

There are a lot of other things I'm wanting to work on, and this will give me the opportunity to do those things. I need to work on my overall strength because I have neglected weight and cross-training for too long, I need to do a lot of little things around the house, I need to get back to my writing project that I abandoned for the entire month of July.

I'm remembering my recent layoff two years ago, when I rehabbed my ankle, and I came away from that feeling better than ever from the cross training I did. I felt like I took years off my body's age. It would be nice to do that again. I also had an 18 month period of improvement in my running performances after that. There's hope on the other side of this...

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