I finally feel like I'm climbing out of a hole, after the past few weeks. I don't know how it happened so suddenly but I had one miserable week at work, it seemed like I couldn't please anyone and all these negative thoughts and self-talk appeared in my head. It felt like the floor caved in under me and I fell into a deep, dark hole. My brain must have temporarily run out of serotonin. Quoting Jean-Paul Sartre, "Hell is other people." That's how I felt.
It dawned on me one day at work when I was trying to change out some tubing and I stood there and looked at these two pieces of plastic tubing that simply needed to be untangled and it was entirely too much for my brain to handle. I stood there for the longest time staring at this plastic knot, unable to figure out what to do with it and where to start.
I'm sure it's all sleep deprivation. Along with being slightly hyperthyroid, I wasn't sleeping through the night at all. I think I did that once in an entire month, and usually I'd be up for two or three hours during the night. It's one thing to be able to sleep in and recover some of that sleep, but on my work days, there's no way.
I haven't been running a lot or riding a lot these past few weeks, maybe one good workout a week and then a few sanity saver runs, 30 to 60 minutes when I can fit it in. Last weekend we took The Buffaloes on a Rock Repeat, just one, and then Sunday I went with Dennis to Estes Park without the girls and we did an easy hike to Storm Pass.
The snow was down to 11,000 feet. The trees weren't changing color much but I bet they are this week. It was gorgeous in Estes Park but I bought this basket of flowers to cheer myself up because I was feeling so bad.
I knew I was in a bad place when we were driving up the canyon and I felt so sad, I started crying and continued to cry off and on throughout the whole day, on the hike and everything. But the next day I had the energy to go for a bike ride and did the Boyd Lake/Carter Lake Rd./Masonville loop from Ft. Collins, about 43 miles with hills that weren't too bad.
Just when I was feeling as bad as I've ever felt, I slept through the night and actually had three good days at work the past week. My spirits lifted and I started to feel human again.
I called my friend Keith in Grand Junction and talked to her for a long time, that helped a ton, and e-mailed with another ultra friend from Arizona, Laura, whom I haven't seen since this time last year. I felt so much better after connecting with them.
So now, just a week later, I'm starting to feel consistently better. I ran 2 hours today, solid running, and I had no problem with that. I'm going ahead with my running plans for the rest of the year.
I looked at my training log from last year leading up to Across the Years, and I've figured out that I don't have to train very hard for the 48 hour race. I do need to get some serious running in, but not a lot of long stuff. I'm going to work on actually running, and doing that at a decent pace. My legs still feel heavy and slow.
It's funny that the thought of a 3 hour workout now seems so easy, after spending 8 or more hours a day between running and sauna training for Badwater for all those months. I plan to do as much cycling as I can before the weather gets cold and icy.
And the big news...we FINALLY got a digital camera. It took forever, but now it will be so much easier to do my blog pictures. I am sooooo NOT a techno-geek. I always say my computer has an 8 track drive in it and I have to shovel coal into it to fire it up.
I'm sure that for the next few months, when I'm not running, or even when I am running, I'll be playing with my new toy. I'll be subjecting all the readers of this blog to my nonexistent photography skills. Enjoy!